How long does this go on for

Old 04-06-2015, 01:53 AM
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How long does this go on for

Hi everyone.
I'm still separated from my AH..We have had hardly no contact as in texts. He wants to come home and I have said no.
I just want to know how long does this feeling of loneliness go on for. Everyday I feel like I have to push myself to do things. Some are better than others. I feel like I have no purpose if I'm not with him. I think I may be depressed or is this just what you go through. It's been 8 months since we separated.
How do I get better it feels like I'm always going to feel like this. .. is it cause I love him or is it cause I didn't fix him and that I have to accept that.
My friends say do things for you but I have no in treat. I feel like I'm searching for a replacement all of the time. I don't want to be this alone at my age.
Have others felt like this please x
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Old 04-06-2015, 02:39 AM
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Hi Karrets, are you doing anything to stop this finally ending? Is there still a connection with him? That might make you feel like your life is still on hold. Check yourself to make sure you've severed the ties.

If you're depressed, don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about it, as depression can feed into itself and stop your recovering. If your doctor recommends anti-depressents, why not try them for long enough to get you over the hump?

Maybe take on a challenge where you have to get out and meet people. You might decide on a half marathon, or learn oil painting, go on a trip, renovate the garden. Set yourself a goal for something that will challenge and stimulate you.

Being alone is not, of itself, an evil, it's how you handle it that counts.
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Old 04-06-2015, 03:12 AM
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Thanks.. There is still phone contact till tomorrow. . It's always me who contacts him... I can't afford a divorce so that's a big tie but one I can cope with think it's the phone contact even tho sporadic and also I didn't want this.
I'm having counselling and have started salsa dancing and joined the gym. I just feel like I'm pretending at life
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Old 04-06-2015, 03:17 AM
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I feel like I'm searching for a replacement all of the time. I don't want to be this alone at my age.
Careful, Karrets, too often people go from one bad relationship to another because they don't want to be alone.

Maybe take some quality "you" time, get some therapy, go to meetings, heal and learn to love life with our without another to share it with. Nobody holds the key to your happiness except you. Find your balance, discover your own interests and joys and you may find that life alone does not have to be lonely.

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Old 04-06-2015, 03:37 AM
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I know what your saying Anne I feel like I'm going crazy if I'm not with someone. I'm working it through in therapy. Why is it so hard being me ... makes me laugh I've been me for 41 years you would think I'm used to it lol
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Old 04-06-2015, 04:35 AM
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Are we allowed to recommend resources that we have found helpful for coping with these type of feelings here on the forum?

I hope so and I cannot see anywhere that we are not so I will share and if I am breaking any rules please someone let me know.

Karrets I have found the work of Byron Katie really good for letting go and accepting what is. Listening to her Youtube videos alleviates a lot of pain for me.

She also has a book called 'Loving What Is' and another one of which I have the audio version on Audible called 'I Need Your Love, Is It True?'

Just some resources I have found helpful as I separate from my husband.

Sending love. x
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Old 04-06-2015, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Karrets View Post
I'm having counselling and have started salsa dancing and joined the gym. I just feel like I'm pretending at life
This is where the saying 'Fake it until you make it' applies. Have faith that if you continue to work at recovery you will succeed, because it's true. Are you going to let this man define your life from now on?

When I went through a traumatic break up, I felt terrible for a long time, but there was a shred of pride there which made me determined not to define the rest of my life by it.
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Old 04-06-2015, 06:20 AM
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Are you in counseling? It sounds like you really need to work at being ok with yourself. I agree with the above, fake it until you make it. However, I do think it will be really hard to be with anyone else until you are happy with yourself.

Hugs to you.
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Old 04-06-2015, 09:23 AM
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Thank you everyone I think just knowing is okay to fake it at the moment has given me a huge boost. Also I will look that lady up on you tube.. don't know what I would do without this support X
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Old 04-06-2015, 12:20 PM
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I just want to know how long does this feeling of loneliness go on for
I don't know. It lasts as long as it lasts. What you need to be careful of, however, is allowing your loneliness to influence your decision making.

In my case, I haven't been with anyone for over 3 years. It's a personal choice, one that is best for me. And what I've learned how to do over those 3 years is become very, very independent. When we have holes in our makeup, other people can't fill them for us. We have to fill them ourselves. For me, it was incredibly important to finish graduate school, reclaim my career, grow as a musician/guitarist, and nurture other relationships. I've done all these things, and for the most part, I'm pretty content.

When you want to date again, Karrets, do it for the right reasons. Make sure you have something to give the other person that means something. And be able to receive what he gives you in return.
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Old 04-06-2015, 09:18 PM
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I am separated from my AH as well. I would say that "faking it til you make it" may be the best way to go, say, at work, but for me, at least, faking it isn't an option. I've had to instead choose to at least accept the way I'm feeling at any given point & just sort of...use the tools I have not to force myself to feel differently, but to ride out the feeling I'm in. Talk to someone you trust. Watch a sad movie for a while. Go to the gym. Have a glass of wine.
The one thing I WON'T do is try to contact my AH, because I know that that will only perpetuate the cycle. And, I can't trust what he says anymore, so what would be the point?
As healthy as it is to try & regain your own life, it's just as healthy to pause when it feels overwhelming & jsut let yourself be where you ARE. You may not be happy, confident or "over it" right away, & that's OK too. As long as you recognize that another relationship is not going to solve the problem of your AH, then you won't go seeking someone to fill that "void"...date someone else for THEM, not because of the person you're "replacing"...
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Old 04-07-2015, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Karrets View Post
...Why is it so hard being me ... makes me laugh I've been me for 41 years you would think I'm used to it lol
Karrets, somewhere in my codependency I lost sight of who I was too and had to get to know "that stranger called me". I was middle aged heading toward senior, and at first it was scary but it became quite fun seeking out new adventures that would make me happy and joyful. Hobby photography and nature (the two often go together) got me outdoors and how wonderful is the beauty I have discovered there. I have shot (with my camera) gators in the Everglades and dolphins swimming behind the boat on a gulf island trip. I take day trips to shoot migrating birds or wild turkeys in the country. I did some inner work, reading, meditating and through prayer, and I put into action a plan to live my dreams and find joy in each sunrise.

You can do it too. It's a wonderful gift to find happiness and feel inner peace, whether we are alone or with people.

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