CarmenLove

Hi All,

Does anyone have any suggestions for managing my anxiety?

Now that I am separated from AH, it's the easter holidays and I have no idea what he is up to. He will be off work, and we had no friends in the area we were living in. He has family but they are not nearby. I made his mum aware that i think he is using again.

He had been attending SMART meetings so I think that is good.

Basically I have no idea what he is doing, and my mind is doing some crazy things sometimes dreaming up stuff (worst case scenarios) about what could happen.

My biggest fear is what if he died.

Or, he could be out enjoying his Easter and I am sat here worrying - Doh!

I realise none of what he does is my business or my responsibility, especially as he has not asked for my help, or even been honest about his using.

So really this anxiety is all mine.

My question is - does anyone have any advice about how to handle the feelings of worry, concern & anxiety?

Should I be checking in on him?

Somehow that doesn't seem quite right, like it's not treating him like a capable adult.

And what about me? Am I better to re-focus myself on something else if at all possible?

Thanks.

CarmenLove

OK, this is ridiculous!

Why am I so focused on worrying about him when he has made it clear that our marriage is not his first priority right now. Not be a long stretch.

Getting a bit annoyed with myself.

OK. so what would *I* like to do today?

I am going to get my journal out and plan my day.

GardenMama

We get in ruts of our own, Carmen, and have to learn how to take the focus off the addict and put it back on ourselves, even when they want nothing to do with us, ignore us, etc. It is OUR pattern of "use."

You are doing great--just answered your own question! I hope you have a great weekend.

JOIE12

... watching you carry yourself through this. Give yourself credit as it's a terribly difficult thing to do, to feel unimportant and the wonder can eat you up. We are here for you but it seems like you are finding your way thru the feelings. Keep writing .... I wish you a blessed Easter, hugs CarmenLove

CarmenLove

Hi Joie12,

Thanks.

I am very up and down. One minute I am fine and then the next I have a triggering thought and it sends me into a tailspin. Mainly around what if he tried to detox himself over the Easter holiday and died.

biminiblue

Those thoughts are not serving you.

I don't dwell on bad thoughts, obsessive thoughts, thoughts of controlling others. It makes me feel awful.

I walk, read, listen to calming music, call a friend, clean house, whatever it takes to change my thinking.

Any thoughts of changing or controlling others is a waste of my precious life. Thoughts can be changed, and with practice they become self-nurturing happy thoughts.

Sisterbobby

well, you can call and calm your nerves, then feel like a jackass again for caring.
Sounds like you do not have closure yet. Deep down i feel you know he is OK, but he is a big part of you still, it is hard. Or are you kinda like stalking your X...switching gears is difficult, if just calling him will calm your anxiety, just do it, then go on with your day? I do not know the dynamics of your relationship so just take me as is...

CarmenLove

Well I left him.

And I've text him a few times since I left 2 weeks ago, just to see if he is OK, and he has been fine.

I don't feel like I am stalking my ex as we are still married. He said he didn't want me to go... however he was also lying saying he was not using again, but all the shady behaviour was there.

I just know that last time when he was using he tried to detox himself, and I had to take him to hospital when his kidneys packed in. I was there that time. Now I am not there.

Now it's the school holidays so he will not be working (I feel like all the time he was working every day I wasn't so worried) and he has no family and friends there.

Having said that he said his SMART people discussed with him how detoxing on your own is not the way to do it, and he still has a number for his drug worker etc...

He is an adult, and he can plan his own detox / recovery.

Heck I don't even know if he is planning a detox!!!! For all I know he could be high as a kite right now or he could have gone to visit his family.

I do know that I am feeling major anxiety right now.

CarmenLove

I know for me I think this reminds me of when my dad went into a coma and died when I was 13, and how powerless I felt then. I think that is the fear that is getting triggered in me.

Sisterbobby

Two weeks is not enough time to heal, you sound like you want things to work out between you two? I could say, stay away, he is an Alcoholic and alcoholic's never change, but that is not the right thing to say, especially here. We do change, but it has to be up to us to change. It is hard to tell you what to do. Do what your heart tells you to do. What's one more call? It may take you months to find closure with him...

biminiblue

This is a good insight.

Keep posting and writing about it. I have a journal in OneNote on my computer where I write out my thoughts when I'm having trouble untangling something.

Powerless is exactly it.

In AA (and Al Anon) the First Step is admitting we are powerless and that our life has become unmanageable.

Good work. In your case, you are powerless over your alcoholic/alcohol.

CarmenLove

I would have loved things to work out between us.

And he is in denial as far as I can tell.

I think I won't call because it is just me giving in to my own craving / anxiety. He knows where I am if he needs me. I have always said he can call me if he ever wants to talk. I think he got my meaning.

He also has his drug worker and other people he can call.

I think it's better for me to take care of me.

Thank you.

CarmenLove

Yes - I couldn't stop it happening then, and I can't stop anything now either.

Remembering to breath.... I think I'll do some cleaning.

Sisterbobby

i think that's a good start. Hang in there!

biminiblue

Sorry, Carmen, I see I'm in substance abuse forums. Substitute alcohol for DOC.

Same/same.

I know I was addicted to the cycle of events my ex would create. I'd try to save him, we would be close for a while, he'd go out, I'd try to save him.

The thing is it would work for a while. Just long enough for me to think I was actually helping, when in fact I had no control over any of it. It was a play that already had an ending. I just refused to see it.

CarmenLove

I just keep thinking that if something happened to him it would be my fault!

I know it makes no sense, and I know it's not a helpful thought. It's there though.

OK, I'm going to do the work on it and see if I can get my body to relax... shower cleaning first though.

JOIE12

Check out MelodyBeattie.com - Her books help a lot especially CODEPENDENT NO MORE. And try to locate a meeting in your area, if it isn't for you, try another location or different help group. Al-anon helped me. Keeping busy, ridiculously busy can pull you thru the hardest parts - habits to break.

my thoughts are with you.
Joie