Finding it hard to surrender
 

I am posting here a lot, because it is about all I do at the moment - process the fact that my husband is an addict and now I have left.

It helps though, to post here.

What I have noticed today is I am finding it hard to fully surrender.

I don't like being defeated. Much less by something like alcohol or drugs!

I like to think of myself as a Go Getter, someone who can make extraordinary things happen in my life, so it doesn't sit well to be so powerless over this!

However, I know deep down, why would I be any different to the millions who have suffered because of addiction. Why would I be able to defeat the undefeatable? (unless of course the addict decided to defeat it).

I am no different.

And yet it's hard to let go. It's hard to stop trying and to say 'OK, I leave what happens in the hands of God'.

I still want to 'rescue' him, although I know I cannot.

I did do 2 things today, rightly or wrongly - I sent a message to his Stepdad, who is probably the most level headed in his family and who I got along with, and told him that he is still using.

I just want them to know.

If they don't believe me that is their business, but at least I have tried. I also sent an note to his Dr flagging up that I think he is using. I know they cannot talk to me because of patient confidentiality, however at least they can be aware.

Now, how to take care of me?

I can understand what you mean, I have suffered the same debate over the past few years. Fortunately, I have been given some good advise regarding my wife from the people at SR. Recently, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked, "what else can I do?" and I have soon realized there is nothing. On numerous occasions I begged, pleaded, threatened, and cried for my wife to get help and talk to me.

As of now she has turned my step kids, friends, and her side of the family against me. I can only focus on my well being and the well being of the people who love me and I will love them back. Remember the C's...you did not cause, you can't control, and you can't cure. The hardest part about doing something about the addict is making the decision to do it. Best of luck to you.

I still battle with it everyday

EGO Ease God Out

MM