Is it my responsibility to make them see?
 

I have a suspicion that I know the answer to this, and I still would like some input from others as I think my brain chemistry has changed through all this trauma and I desire to check in before I make any rash choices.

I spoke to AH yesterday and he is completely in denial about everything and I think lying through his teeth. Some things he said were that he always put me first, he loved me as much as he could etc etc... but that how dare I suggest that he is still using! He doesn't need that.

I don't know what he has been telling his family... but his mum (who I thought I was very close to) doesn't seem to be speaking to me. At least she hasn't replied to 2 emails and a text I sent.

When he was in hospital, and every other time I have seen her, she has been REALLY close, and shared stuff about his past etc, however I always thought she was in denial about his addiction. She even thanked me saying he had been much more loving with her when I came along whereas in the past he was always withdrawn and hostile with her.

Now, she has just dropped me like a hot potato. I sent an email to let her know what was going on with us. I was wary to phone as I didn't want to get sucked in.

But I feel very shocked to just get no response.

His Dad and sister I am not surprised about as they blamed me when he relapsed last time (for being a bad wife because I was not 'by his side' when I went away for a work thing).

I am stunned at the level of denial here. Like it feels insane. I have never seen this before. It makes me feel I am the crazy one, apparently being the only one who is aware of / can see his addiction!

Firstly I would like a little reassurance because I begin to wonder if it is all in my head and that is really upsetting.

Secondly (and I think I kinda know my answer to this however would feel good to hear from you guys) do I need to try to make them see that he is using?

I mean what chance does he ever have with this type of denial going on? They literally seem to think 'everything is OK' and they just take him at his word, and I am the crazy ex wife who is trying to make herself feel better by 'saying nasty things about him' (which I am not by the way. I am saying he is an addict, which is true and not meant nastily!)

And how can they believe what he is saying?

Feeling shocked and stunned right now.

So, he's an ex. Why are you still running the show?

I am a bit confused - is it not time to let go? Who cares what they believe or don't believe.

You know the answers :) Enjoy your life without all this drama. I think we get used to it and just have to break the habit.

You call him your ah and then you say you are the ex. ????

I had a shrink tell me once when i was struggling with my ex. He said, You are divorced, right? then why are you giving her energy?

Yes you are right. We are still married though and I left 8 days ago so it is still all very new for me.

Perhaps until yesterday I was still holding the faint home that he might really be in recovery.

Yes. I have to let go. And I am finding it hard! I do have to break the habit.

I think perhaps I can relate just a little to what an addict goes through, because the urge for me to 'do something' is so strong, like overwhelming, and my brain tells me all this stuff about why I SHOULD do something.

It's weird.

They will see it eventually. When I kicked my X out b/c of his using and awful behavior, his family was livid. I had been very close w/them. I think they were in denial, that he was lying to them about the truth, and that they now had the responsibility of him. All of these were a problem for someone, but that is not me. It's not your job to worry about his family. Just do what you need to do for you and yours. You won't get support from his family, blood is always thicker than water.

Try not to get involved w/them too much. He will show his true colors. It may not be on your own timeline, but it will happen.

Hugs to you. It's not in your head.

carmenlove,

I had this dog that I never really did like much and she didn't seem to like me all that much either, but she was my dog for ten years and we tolerated each other and I did what I could for her. She got sick and the vet said it's over and so it was over.

Now, I miss her badly. Not because I liked her, but because she was such a big part of things, taking care of her and doing my best for her and worrying over her a hundred times a day. She wants to go for a walk, she wants to go do her business. when was the last time she was out, what did she do the last time she was out, when will she need to go out again. can I get back home in time, where has she wandered off too, is she alright, when will she come back, she wants to go with me when I leave, can i take her? how long will I be gone. will it be too hot in the truck or too cold can I plan my trip out around her. and she is never happy with food off of my plate until it is all of it, or I break her heart. and I barely got a lick or two every now and then.

But now that she is gone. I grieve. I almost feel guilty that I am free of her at last. But you know, carmenlove, there is this other feeling too. I can call it nothing but joy. I did my duty, I saw it through until the end and now I am free, free, free. I have been released, and yes, d*mn it. It is good.

It's just me but to me relationships are addictions and you have to go through withdrawal to be truly free.

I don't think anyone who doesn't live with the addict can ever fully understand what it's like and how abusive it is to the ones who are there. I wouldn't say to cut his family any slack, but maybe it will help you to let go just realizing that they can't possibly understand how difficult it has been for you and it's not your responsibility to make them understand. If he is their responsibility now, in time they will realize you were the truthful one.

I did like him though. In fact I thought I loved him. I did love him.

However I don't like him anymore... not for the last 6 months.

And it makes me question everything we had together. Like so was he lying about ... and what about when we did ... it's almost as though the whole thing all took place in my head.

I think I am romanticising it all a fair bit. And yes I miss him like you miss your dog also AddictGuy.

And there was a connection we had, I remember that. I remember looking in his eyes and I could feel his soul (as you can with most human beings). And I think that is all gone now.

I will be OK.

I know I can create a good life.

When you are standing in the doorway – when you are not in or out just there it’s hard to make decisions. 8 days ago you were willing to stick by him now today you are not. I think you are still in that doorway and looking for assurances on which direction to take. Building your own case on why you want to leave him and now his family has become a major part in that decision.

Let’s say his mom called you tonight and said we (father,sister) will help you with him…………..then which direction would you head in?

What he's doing is a form of psychological abuse known as gaslighting. He's making you question your own sanity. And that form of abuse is beyond despicable.

No. Why? It's not your job to do so. If his mother and the rest of his family buy his act, that's their problem, not yours. Your only job is to manage yourself, and as you're learning, that's a hard job to pull off.

He uses because he's given himself permission to do so. He will never, ever accept responsibility for that choice so long as he is using. None of this is your problem.

I think inside of me I know my choice.

Even if they said they would 'help' me and be there to help manage him, I wouldn't want to do it!

What kind of relationship would that be for me? And I don't think he'd enjoy it much either. Plus it would never work unless 'he' decides to get clean and in recovery.

I think I know my choice deep down, however I think I was just being a little wimpy about saying it out loud, and feeling guilty. I was looking for some sort of validation for my choice, someone to pat me on the back and say 'you are doing the right thing!' which I know no-one else can really do.

I'm feeling a lot better now so thank you all for being with me today. :You_Rock_

Oh it's interesting as well that none of them do that. Even when his sister was phoning up last time, when he was in hospital and condemning me for considering not staying with him then, I notice she didn't offer to come up and take care of him. Or for him to go and detox with her!

Interesting.

They like to 'love' and believe him from a distance. They very loudly voice their concerns and complain about me, but no-one seems to do anything constructive.

And I think his mum feels guilty, so she just gives him lots of presents and is super nice (like treacle).

I think love is real while it is real. Or as Bob Seager said "It was real at the time. I was yours and you were mine."

Love comes. sometimes it stays, most times it goes, and when it goes, it's time to go with it.

I miss my dog, but I'll be real . . . slow. . . . getting another one.

I think you are right, often we do know deep down what choice we need to make – it’s the saying it out loud part which makes it real that is the hard part.

I think you need to make the best decision for yourself even if at times right now it doesn’t feel it’s the right one……………..in the long run you know it is.

F*&$ING SPOT ON, sir.

Thank you yogagurl. Nice phoenix.

(it looks like we don't hear much from you)

Hard to acknowledge this till you are out, but this kind of abuse is hard to see when you're chin deep. It will be easier to see once you've been out of the relationship a while.

Thank you.

I feel so confused.

He was always so loving. Until he wasn't. He was here the whole time I was building up my business, in the back ground, sharing in the successes and disappointments. And I always felt like he was 'on my side' and available to me until these last 6 months.

Well that isn't strictly true - there were times he would disappear off for hours for no apparent reason, however other than that he was very loving and caring. I never felt any doubt that he loved me.

And since the addiction has become apparent and got worse it's like he just disappeared and wasn't there any more, even when he was.

It feels hard because this time last year we were away traveling (I don't think he was using then, certainly not H, and I don't think anything else... but I don't know) and we were so happy. Literally we were enjoying summer walks, cooking together, travelling and each other's company.

I see stories on here where people have stuck it out for years, well this downward spiral happened quickly.

But it is as thought the addiction was always there... simmering, just underneath the surface. And towards the last few months of our travels he became restless and even 'depressed', and he wanted to get back (to his addiction??). We didn't have any money either, so we came back for him to work so he could support his family.

HA! That turned out well. Some support! That is when he jumped into using heroin.

It's hard to believe that within less than a year the whole thing can crumble and disappear. That our lives can unravel so spectacularly. I had no idea that come October of last year he would be in hospital because of using!!!!

We didn't even plan to stay in this country that long.

URGHHHHH!

I lost my husband. And I know other people here have too (and other loved ones)

I really miss last summer. And what we had. And he doesn't seem to care. Logically I 'get' why and it still feels awful!

I enjoyed it so much (our travels) and I thought he did too.

I also find it hard that I didn't see the signs. How could I have missed them?

I guess we all want to believe the best.

I know I am complaining a lot. Please bear with me and thanks for this space.