CarmenLove

I am posting because I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the task of putting my life back together and on track now that I have left my AH.

It's been a little over a week since I actually walked out the house. We had a couple of short exchanges via e-mail over practical things last week then no communication.

I also e-mailed & text his mother to tell her why I left (I couldn't face phoning) as we are / were close. No response from her. I think she is in denial and I noticed that she can tend to enable.

Then last night I also sent him 2 e-mails. One with links to various forums like this one, and also sharing how I still love him and I will not be coming back as I am not prepared to share my life with an addiction.

I am absolutely aware that the e-mails may well likely not make any difference to him, and somehow it was something I wanted to do... for me, and also for him.

I am aware that nothing I do or say can influence his choices or whether he uses. Nor can I fix or marriage.

I am starting to come to terms with the fact that my marriage is over. But that still brings very painful sad feelings. We've only been married 1.5 years and this is not what I had in mind at all! I think it's the loss of a dream more than anything. The dreams I had for our lives together and all the things we planned to do.

I decided to post here as I didn't quite know what else to do.

This morning I saw some tulips in my mum's hall and I burst into floods of tears as these were the last flowers I bought to go into our gorgeous new cottage we had just moved into back there.

I miss him, I miss the cottage and I miss our dog.

There is a fear in me that says 'what if I am not capable of making my life great and amazing' (because that is the kind of life I desire) on my own. However I know this fear is not logical.

When I think back to all the good things we did and had together I believe that the impetus for those things actually came from me! So if that is true there is no reason why I couldn't do that for myself.

It just feels like an overwhelming task right now though. I am not sure where to start.

My thought process goes something like this

"I could go to an Al Anon meeting.... oh but I don't have a car.... I could get a car.... oh but I don't have the money.... I can work and earn the money in my business... " and then I just burst into tears wondering how I can work on my business when I feel like this.

I have been doing bits and pieces to keep my business going, the bare bones shall we say.

I had to contact some creditors today and explain that I didn't have my payment this month.

What is infuriating is that AH actually has a job up there, and so he is in a better (still not good) financial position that me! i.e.: he could afford to keep our beautiful cottage and our 4X4 car.

I had some part time work up there, however with a new business I did not feel confident enough that I would be able to pay for the cottage on my own.

He has a job there, so he needs the car. I work from home so I don't need it so much.

I paid for half the car, however it's his name on the paperwork so... I don't think I will get anything for the car.

Somehow right now it seems / feels like I am the one in more of a mess.

Urghhhh I feel angry.

Anyway this post has got long. I just needed to let it out.

Thank you.

CodeJob

Good morning Carmen,

I am so sorry you are hurting. you have the right to grieve your dream of what you thought this relationship and life would be.

You might want to set up a task list of survival things you need to do or you need temporary help getting done from another person you trust in your life. Things to kick start your business in growth and security. Steps to take to surround yourself with family and friends. Practical steps in moving forward in your life.

I found a counselor very helpful. I also did try Al Anon. SR and systematically studying codependency helped me change my approach slowly towards my life.

In order to shut my mind down, I would exercise a lot too.

But is alright to let this grief out. I found it kind of came in waves. Like you say, you will be walking around and something triggers it. E-Hugs to you.

hopeful4

Oh sweetie, my heart hurts for you. You are very early into this. Maybe just give yourself some time to decompress from it all. If he has a job he is going to still be responsible for bills. Have you spoken to an attorney? If not, make plans to do so in the near future to protect yourself and make sure you have access to funds you need.

Many, many hugs to you. It's a moment at a time.

mnh1982

Just hugs. It has been a ****** week. My AH is nowhere to be found nor heard from. His phone is off. I have driven by several of the places he kept saying he was camping out at (after I kicked him out 2 weeks ago), but his car isn't there so I have no idea where to even look, now.

I know that no amount of searching, support, love or money will keep him from using, drinking, help him get a job, etc. He wasn't able to stay clean, employed or on the right track while still living with us, so what's there to say that being homeless or my kicking him out has anything to do with his choices?

But most of me still hopes that he'll turn up someday with a real job, clean & ready to be a husband/daddy.

Last night sucked. The baby didn't hardly sleep & I couldn't figure out why, so everyone was just up but exhausted, restless, & unhappy.

We WILL make it through this, you & I. Because you are absolutely right-without setting these boundaries & sticking to them, you & I will both be living with an addiction, not a person....

Feel free to PM me if you just need someone to vent to. It's one of those days...

Yogagurl

Leaving a marriage is one of the hardest things I have ever done, even though I knew I had no other choice - it is beyond overwhelming and you will be putting your life on track for days and months and possibly years to follow. The important thing is that you were of sound mind to leave and that you have left - everything else will fall into place.

My exAH's family has ceased all communication with me (or did before I disappeared) and his mother didn't call me to check on me when I left. I was with him and his destructive behavior for 4 years and she even defended him when he broke into my house over Christmas this past year. Unfortunately, denial can make family members the least supportive when you would feel they would be the most understanding. You will find other people who will fill the space his mother once stood in that will be supportive and understanding. She will have to deal with him on her own now.


Closure is important and so is saying what is on your mind, even if you know the other person may not understand. What matters is you did your part to cut ties.

This is a good thing! Coming to terms with it is the only way to really start to let go. I tried, even after I left, to get my exAH to go to rehab. I even dropped criminal charges on him so he would take the opportunity to go, even though jail was where he really needed to be. He has been making false promises for years. You can’t do anything about his choices and his choice will be to use over anything else in his life. If you aren’t using with him or helping get his means to an end, he’s not concerned with you. He may love you, but his sole mission is to use. NOTHING ELSE.

In the days to come, you will be haunted by memories, have flashbacks of happiness, flashbacks of fear, cry, ache, and go through periods of elation for having found peace. Leaving a dream is hard. Leaving a husband is harder. Leaving an addict feels devastating, but you are totally doing the right thing for you and your life will reflect this over time.


Good.

The memories will come like flashes in your mind with triggers but the triggers will not be as powerful once you really remove yourself. I looked through a flash drive of pictures from all the trips we had ever taken together on my camera the other day and had no emotional tugs within me. I still get upset, but the triggers are just getting less powerful is all.

The dog was the hardest for me, I still miss the dog. Get a new dog.

When you move in a positive direction, everything will fall into place. Gradually, people and places and things will work out in your best interest. It’s the law of attraction. What you put in you get out and once you set standards and boundaries, and start enforcing them, negativity will leave your life for good.

CarmenLove

! Yogagurl! Just Wow!

I feel so 'got' and understood. I feel good reading your post.

Thank you.

Yogagurl

Keep posting, keep reading, keep letting it out and letting it go. You are very understood by a lot of people who don't post and who sit there, reading your words, silently understanding everything you are going through. You get on here and maybe feel like you are ranting or that you're helpless and desperate to post and blog about this kind of stuff, but there are many, many, many people who can identify with your experiences and with your pain right now. Many of us here have left spouses to addiction. You are not alone. I wish you a healthy and rapid healing from this. And I really hope you can get the dog.

mnh1982

The biggest trap I ever fell into with my exAH is that I skewed everything in his favor, because I wanted to believe he loved us & was "making progress".

For example, even after months of his laziness around the house, heavy, secretive drinking, angry outbursts, etc., the ONE TIME he would do the dishes and make dinner for me, I would go, "But, but...look, he did this one tiny thing! That's progress! That means he's trying!".

Never mind that he would go weeks or even months before making that kind of 'effort' again, or all the ways in which it was obvious that things just were NOT right.

Don't let any tiny signs of "change" or "progress" or "love" bar you from just doing YOU!! In the end, every move you make away from your addict is a move you make back toward your true self, and believe me, you will FEEL the difference very quickly