what do you think?
 

Just curious to hear everyone's opinion...Do you think giving verbal support is a form of enabling? I have not provided shelter nor money to my AH or pretty much anything for that matter in a couple of months.Some of his friends and family members have completely cut him off and think I should do the same.They believe communicating with him is enabling him and not allowing him to reach bottom. Although I appreciate their input (not really lol) I have decided not to do that because of our children and because.....well frankly, I believe it does not hurt to give him encouragement from a distance. Just curious to hear some perspectives from here since we have all actually been through, or are in, similar situations. It's easier for outsiders to give advise when they don't have a clue about what really goes on. Thank you!

I believe it depends on the situation.

No contact is something we do for ourselves, not for the addict. Pretending to believe bold faced lies is enabling though.

I have stayed in contact with AH since he went to prison, but some family members have not. I'm not sure how I would respond if one of his drug tests came back dirty. It's easy for me to say that I would no longer write. It's another matter to actually put the pen down.

I think the danger for me in encouraging AH to pursue recovery has nothing to do with him, but with me. I'm talking about motives here. Am I trying to be the hero? Does it make me feel like I can fix him? Why do I want him to find recovery? Do I really just want him to have a better quality of life? Or are there selfish motives underneath? Do I really just want him to be sober because I think that will give me a better husband?

Food for thought. Just my ESH

Is his behavior acceptable during the phone calls?
Do you come away from the phone calls feeling better or worse?

1Jersey, I sort of agree with you. If there's any verbal abuse, or using you, or even whining and looking for pity on his part, then buying into that would not be helpful to either of you.

Support and encouragement while he's making an effort shouldn't be harmful. I suppose it comes down to whether you feel it's healthy communication.

I think there is nothing wrong with kindness ever, as long as there are no expectations in return. And yes, if you walk away feeling better that you spoke to him, good. If you walk away upset or angry, it's time to put on the brakes. I think it is harder for mothers of children to decide if the estranged spouse should remain in the family unit or if it is harmful to any one of you.

Hugs

No, it's a trait that all loving and kind people should have and share.

In the Bible it is considered a gift -- The Gift of Encouragement.

MM

I don't consider what you are doing is enabling, I consider it maintaining a relationship with the addict not with the addiction. (If that makes sense).

For instance, I call my son because I want to know if he is alive or ok, so verbally it is for my benefit and hope he knows I still care.
On the other hand he calls me because he needs money etc. and when I say no he cuts the call abruptly.
No I don't think its enabling as long as you have good intentions.

Love to You JJ

I think perhaps it's OK to offer it, as long as we don't expect it to make a difference and as long as it does not upset us in the process.

I am also navigating this one myself and noticing that I feel 'disappointed' if he doesn't reply to me writing.

Oh, I am also quite old fashioned and usually I let the man lead, so I wouldn't be writing first. However that has gone to hell since his addiction flared up. I've been in the masculine energy role more and more.

Although that is on me (my choice).

I am gradually letting go and leaning back.

Hi everyone!
Just wanted to give an update. I've decided to completely detach myself from my AH. Although we have been seperated for months now, I was still very much in contact with him and saw him every week because of the kids. I also thought giving him encouragement would help. He continued to say he was working on his sobriety and blah blah blah but I knew not to hold my breath. Anyway, long story short, his mother asked me to test him and he admitted instead that he was using which wasn't surprising at all. The problem was that he kept stalling and while he was stalling he was nodding off in front of me and my kids. They were talking to him and he was nodding and that pretty much infuriated me . I decided in that moment that my kids are better off not seeing their father at all if this is what they have to deal with. This is second time this has happened and it's unacceptable. I might be wrong for keeping him from his kids but they deserve better than this. Being sober for one week and then using the next isn't recovery. Anyway, I think I have gotten easy of the topic of the thread. Giving encouragement is great if the person really wants to change but in my case, I'm wasting my time. I don't think I had an agenda because honestly, I wasnt trying to save our marriage. I already have peace in my home because he isn't there. Communicating with him is taking away from my personal peace even from afar and I cannot have that..... Have a great day everyone!!!!

Hi JerseyGirl,

Sorry to hear that.

Nodding is SO triggering for me. It totally freaks me out. I remember the first time my XAH picked up using H when I was around, and was lying about it, and then nodding off in front of me. I had Googled signs of heroin use and just seeing that would send me into all kind of triggered panic.

It's horrible and it feels insulting.

He said it was 'his depression medication' Quack, quack, quack!

So then of course I had to Google 'does depression medication cause dropping off' ? All kinds of crazy.

I think it’s a wise decision not to expose your children to his addiction behaviors like nodding off. That’s certainly not quality time with dad.

((hugs))