Was it pills? (losing a parent)
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Was it pills? (losing a parent)
I don't think I can ever really know the answer to this, but I've been thinking about it a lot.
I'm an only child. My AM did not start drinking until she was in her 60s (I mean she did in her youth, but there was no alcohol in the house when I was growing up). My dad was wonderful and I had a great relationship with him, and he was the love of her life etc. He died when I was 15 and it shattered our small family - he was the sane bridge between me, the teen, and her, the undiagnosed bipolar/narcissist...and possible pill addict.
I know she has been taking benzos and opiates for the last 5-10 years. This was 17 years ago. She had the painful medical conditions then to get the Rx's, and she had the medical license to make it easier to get the meds.
I guess my question is for parents and/or anyone who had a parent die when they were a child.
When I was 15 and my dad died, my mom got in bed and didn't get up again for six months. Not to take me to school, to make food, to take out the dogs or the trash, or to go to the store (we were in a rural area and there was nothing within 10 miles). I ended up getting expelled from my freshman year of high school for lack of attendance and I remember eating plain rice with ketchup on it.
Was it just grief? (Not that grief isn't terrible!) Was it pills then, too?
If you lost a parent as a child, how did your remaining parent behave? Or, how did you parent your children when you lost your spouse?? I really need to know. I went NC with my mother last year, and though she is alive and I technically could ask her, there's no way I could believe anything she tells me.
I'm an only child. My AM did not start drinking until she was in her 60s (I mean she did in her youth, but there was no alcohol in the house when I was growing up). My dad was wonderful and I had a great relationship with him, and he was the love of her life etc. He died when I was 15 and it shattered our small family - he was the sane bridge between me, the teen, and her, the undiagnosed bipolar/narcissist...and possible pill addict.
I know she has been taking benzos and opiates for the last 5-10 years. This was 17 years ago. She had the painful medical conditions then to get the Rx's, and she had the medical license to make it easier to get the meds.
I guess my question is for parents and/or anyone who had a parent die when they were a child.
When I was 15 and my dad died, my mom got in bed and didn't get up again for six months. Not to take me to school, to make food, to take out the dogs or the trash, or to go to the store (we were in a rural area and there was nothing within 10 miles). I ended up getting expelled from my freshman year of high school for lack of attendance and I remember eating plain rice with ketchup on it.
Was it just grief? (Not that grief isn't terrible!) Was it pills then, too?
If you lost a parent as a child, how did your remaining parent behave? Or, how did you parent your children when you lost your spouse?? I really need to know. I went NC with my mother last year, and though she is alive and I technically could ask her, there's no way I could believe anything she tells me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Oh, honey. Asking why is a helpless place to be.
You'll likely never get an answer to that question. It sounds like she is just not mentally healthy and was not capable of reacting in a sane way.
No, of course it wasn't anywhere close to normal.
I've lost my entire family. I continued to go to work and keep my house clean. I did drink after the last one died, but I don't have anyone living with me and I still went about my daily business. It didn't incapacitate me, or put me in bed for six months. I still ate good meals and exercised. My alcohol abuse was pretty short-lived, like a couple years - and it never affected my ability to work or do normal household cooking and cleaning and laundry and such.
She wasn't capable. She is not well. Have you done any Inner Child work? There are good books about this. It is now your responsibility to mother yourself and give yourself the nurturing she was unable to give you.
We can't go back and fix it. We can go forward with tenderness for ourselves. You deserve that.
You'll likely never get an answer to that question. It sounds like she is just not mentally healthy and was not capable of reacting in a sane way.
No, of course it wasn't anywhere close to normal.
I've lost my entire family. I continued to go to work and keep my house clean. I did drink after the last one died, but I don't have anyone living with me and I still went about my daily business. It didn't incapacitate me, or put me in bed for six months. I still ate good meals and exercised. My alcohol abuse was pretty short-lived, like a couple years - and it never affected my ability to work or do normal household cooking and cleaning and laundry and such.
She wasn't capable. She is not well. Have you done any Inner Child work? There are good books about this. It is now your responsibility to mother yourself and give yourself the nurturing she was unable to give you.
We can't go back and fix it. We can go forward with tenderness for ourselves. You deserve that.
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If you lost a parent as a child, how did your remaining parent behave? Or, how did you parent your children when you lost your spouse?? I really need to know. I went NC with my mother last year, and though she is alive and I technically could ask her, there's no way I could believe anything she tells me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You know, I did some inner child stuff to get over my mother, in my early to mid thirties.
At the time, I was miserable and needed relief. I read a lot of books - "The Dance of Anger" "The Dance of Intimacy" and "Children of the Lie" were all really powerful books for me. I don't remember if they specifically mentioned inner child stuff, but it's pretty common theme in any self-help book. I also found a picture of me as a child and put it in a prominent place so I could visualize comforting that little girl. She/I didn't deserve some of the treatment she got, and as an adult I can comfort that part of myself.
You didn't deserve the treatment you got either. I think you would benefit from some Alanannies
- That is the affectionate nickname of the been-there-done-that older women in Al Anon. They can love you back to yourself.
I found a couple women who were in the church that let me cry it out. They were life-savers. That is how you nurture yourself - by finding relationships with other women that are healthy and supportive.
At the time, I was miserable and needed relief. I read a lot of books - "The Dance of Anger" "The Dance of Intimacy" and "Children of the Lie" were all really powerful books for me. I don't remember if they specifically mentioned inner child stuff, but it's pretty common theme in any self-help book. I also found a picture of me as a child and put it in a prominent place so I could visualize comforting that little girl. She/I didn't deserve some of the treatment she got, and as an adult I can comfort that part of myself.
You didn't deserve the treatment you got either. I think you would benefit from some Alanannies
- That is the affectionate nickname of the been-there-done-that older women in Al Anon. They can love you back to yourself. I found a couple women who were in the church that let me cry it out. They were life-savers. That is how you nurture yourself - by finding relationships with other women that are healthy and supportive.
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