Healing After Trauma
 

Still in the healing process, still learning how to do things other than to obsess with the whereabouts and well being of my EXAH. Finding things to take up the space where I was making phone calls and tracking money and picking up pawned tools. Still figuring out what to do with all this energy I have since I'm sleeping at night.

Been looking a lot into PTSD and how there are similar symptoms with people who have been in abusive relationships, whether it's a physical or an emotionally abusive relationship. I realize this forum speaks to substance abuse, not domestic abuse, but I feel they kind of go hand in hand since there is such a wide range of emotional outbursts associated with withdrawal. At least, there was for me. If I didn't enable, I was emotionally beaten. A couple of times, there was physical.

Anyways (I'm all over the place), just an observation about the trauma you may face when you are linked in closely with an active addict - some experience fear to the point of terror, worry, sleep loss, gas lighting, copious amounts of dishonesty, empty promises, hopeful wishes that never get fulfilled. What I have learned is that there is actual psychological trauma that needs to be overcome when you have been so close to all this. I was trying to look up a resourceful and reliable definition for psychological trauma and this is what I found:


http://www.sidran.org/resources/for-survivors-and-loved-ones/what-is-psychological-trauma/

Eggshells, nausea, anxiety, flashbacks, bursts of depression, numbness, confusion - can we call a codependent relationship a traumatic one by default once the codie steps away? Surely losing your identity in the life of another person is traumatic and that's kind of the ground work for codependency, am I correct?

It may just be me, but I thought I would share some of the things I have discovered about my journey and resources that were helping me to understand why I am experiencing the physical and emotional aftermath of being married to an addict. I just thought maybe someone else out there would be able to resonate with this too......

Hi YG. I am so very proud of you for all the hard work you are doing into your own recovery from all of this.

I suffered with PTSD from my relationship. I did overcome it, but there are lasting affects that I have to pay special attention to.

Tight hugs, thank you for sharing.

Hopeful, thank you for sharing. I often wonder how many people overcome these aftershocks, how long it takes, what the key for healing is for each individual, etc. It's been SO hard working through these kinks....SO SO hard.

It is hard. I did not realize how many places in my life it was affecting me. It has gotten much much better with time, and with awareness. If I can keep my whits about me, I can apply that it's not really my rational thinking at that moment, but the PTSD from the past. I have learned to stop and think, sometimes for a long amount of time, before I speak. I am also practicing the breathing techniques my psychiatrist taught me which help more than I could ever imagine. Sounds like something so minor, but it does make a huge difference.

You are doing great. Keep it in perspective that you did not get this overnight, and it will take some time to heal from it. That's absolutely OK because you are growing as a person as you heal, I can tell that just from this board.

XXX

Yogagurl, thank you so much for your post. It has been 2 months since my xaBF dumped me after he completed rehab. Over the last year I've read a ton here on SR, online, attend Alanon now and Naranon in the past and yet I still struggle with getting past the pain. Not just the pain of the relationship ending as it did, but from all that I went through. The CONSTANT lies, the betrayal, watching him destroy himself in front of my eyes, I got to the point where my emotions were out of control. I would go from the spectrum listed...being crazy with worry, then anger, the guilt, then numb, then hopeful, then in denial...the cycle just kept repeating. And, even though I know I am so much better off not being with him, it still doesn't minimize my pain.

Thank you for sharing the link, as well. It makes me realize I have to give myself a little more credit and time and know that I am doing the best that I can. I get so angry that I cannot just "get over it" like he has. I just feel that I gave him every ounce of my energy to "help" him and it was based on all the lies that he told me to keep me around. And the way he cut me out, by stonewalling me, that IS emotional abuse. It was ALL emotional abuse.

You inspire me to keep going, to keep working on me and to see that recovering from all of this is possible. Hugs to you!

My god, you have just described me. I will definitely check out that site. Thank you!

It's funny. When I look back over 3 years ago at how things ended with my AXGF, I've emerged from it in one piece, and largely trauma free.

Mind you, I had a lot of help. My clinician is also an addictions specialist, so she gave me an education on addiction. She also started me on the path to learning about Borderline Personality Disorder. Finally, Al Anon was huge in terms of me learning how to reclaim my sanity.

When the day came...when it ended, and my AXGF was at her Borderline worst, I was hurt, but remarkably calm. And that's because I knew exactly what was happening. The awful things she was saying about me had no meaning. None of it was true. So I simply decoupled from it, and began the process of healing.

I realize that not everyone can do what I did. Everyone is wired differently and some are more susceptible to trauma than others. There have been times I've been traumatized for different reasons, and I carry that trauma to this day.

By temperament and by education, I'm a logical, pragmatic man. Being an engineer, I looked at my AXGF as a wildly oscillating, unstable system. Geeking out, I can even describe her mathematically

y(t) = sin(2*pi*f*t)*cos(2*pi*f*t)*exp(2*a*pi*f*t)

-- where a is a positive number.

The fact that she was wildly oscillating and unstable -- an addict and a Borderline -- had nothing to do with me. The garbage that came out of her mouth and her irrational actions had nothing to do with me. So what I learned is we shouldn't allow other people -- specifically addicts -- to have any say regarding our own self worth. We determine our self worth. We nurture our own self worth, through our choices and our actions. We don't give the addict the power to do that for us.

YG...in time, you'll come to this point, too. It'll be on your timetable and schedule. And when that day comes, and you understand all of this, you'll be OK.

thanks for this post AG. I am getting out of a relationship that lasted 16 months. He was an alcoholic from day 1, I just had no idea how bad it was or the journey I was going to embark on. It was hell. It ripped me apart. The cheating, the lying, the betrayal on every level. I am soo tired from it all. I feel like I have been in a war. and now finally, he is 7 weeks sober. and yes, you got it folks, he dumped me faster than you can say AA. I have been reeling from the loss of him, the loss of myself. where did i go? this became my whole life. and now he is good and expects that we are good and that we can be friends now with no regards to what we have been through. There have been no thank yous, no sorries. in fact, he doesn't understand why we just can't be best friends, must be resentment I have, he says. I am exhausted

Thanks all for commenting and I'm glad that you were able to get something out of this post! I wish I could say I had gotten out of my relationship with my ex AH trauma free, but I have not. I continue to face the pain of it daily and head on. If I need to cry, I cry. And boy, do I cry. For anyone who is currently closely involved with an active addict, I have a small word of experience: I was not able to start recovering and healing until I left. 6 months in and there is not a day that goes by I don't sit and cry, hurt, rage, and then find joy again. I sound emotionally unstable because I AM. Thank goodness for this forum. I will never forget my first posts and how damaged I was in the beginning. You can't believe what you allow to happen in your life until you are put in that position.

I feel the same way and I'd bet many others here do, as well. Sometimes I beat myself up for being so naive, but then I snap out it. I had NO IDEA...none, zip, nada...as to what my ex was into. Then when I learned it was H, I did want most compassionate people do for those they love that are in what is perceived as a crisis and have absolutely no knowledge of addiction and all it entails....and did whatever it took to try to "fix it", "help", etc. I've only recently realized how deep I was in it and the emotional damage it has done to me. And, that realization only came about because I am no longer with my ex. I think once you are away from it and can really look back...all the pieces/parts that maybe didn't make sense then...make sense now.

Please know that you are not alone. All of your feelings are valid and the process is very, very painful. But, I feel, like you, we need to face this head on, so we can move past it. I have good days then bad days...then days that start out good and then I hear a song or pass a place that has a bad memory of him and I get upset. i am committed, though. I will not let him or anyone else define my self worth...I will get through this. I know you will, too. Big hugs to you!!!