Selfishness

Old 03-20-2015, 09:38 PM
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Selfishness

Hello-I am new to this forum. I recently told my spouse to move out after finding black tar heroin in his vehicle. This was after several years of attempts at sobriety- first methadone clinic and outpatient care, then another relapse after less than a year. We have an elementary age son and I told my husband I was done and he needed to leave the home which he did.
I'd suspected he was using a few weeks prior and tested him-but he passed.. later he admitted my suspicions were right and that he faked the urine test.
He's put us into debt with his inability to help support the family and his spending. He borrows money from his mother constantly.
Even now, with a month (seemingly) clean, when he speaks he only talks about himself..how his back hurts or how gross the sober house is.
I believe he is in total denial of the hole he's dug himself and how he's torn apart the lives of his family.
I told him tonight that before I could even consider maybe having him move back he needs a minimum of one year of sobriety and time to prove to me he is worth considering staying married to- to show he can hold a job and be a partner and most importantly stay sober for a longer period of time.
I could tell he was shocked.
Once you are an addict- is your brain forever altered to selfishness even after you become sober? I wanted to explain this is to protect our child but also so I don't have to go through the pain again but he heard none of that.
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Old 03-21-2015, 04:19 AM
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Ann
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Welcome, Smilegirl.

Indeed addict thinking is "all about me" and "I want it NOW".

Putting down the drug is a big step, but the real test is learning to live life on life's terms without drugs.

You were wise to give it a year to let his actions tell you if his presence in your life and the life of you child is what you want and what is best for either of you.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you stick around. Read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of useful information,

Hugs
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Old 03-21-2015, 04:55 AM
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I'm happy that you called an end to the craziness. You and your son deserve it. Stay strong and take time to heal. Best wishes for you both. <hugs>
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Old 03-21-2015, 05:09 AM
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I find it interesting that we both have the same feelings, yet a different story. My xah came back from a year and half disappearance like he just came back from a vacation. I feel he has no idea or can't accept the pain and destruction he has created. I find this denial very powerful, perplexing and unacceptable.

In fact, he was a no call no show in Dec, strong armed me for visitation Christmas and then canceled, and just canceled visitation last weekend. This Friday (out of left field) I get an angry threatening email that it is obvious that I will not be giving him unsupervised visits anytime soon and that we should probably go to court. I told this to 4 friends. They all burst out laughing. His has such a disoriented reality. So, I called his bluff. I told him my concerns, how it takes time and gave him mg lawyers name and number. I said that I would prefer to work it out together, but you want to go back to court, bring it. I stood up to him this time. The past 2 times I tip toed and gave him what he wanted. I fear that this is how he thinks he can get what he wants from me. You see I don't want to fight and try to keep things calm, but in doing so I created a monster. After I stood up to him I felt confident and free. I don't want to go to court, and I don't have the money. But, there are certain things I refuse to back down from when it concerns the well being of my son.

I also have the gut instinct that he is starting to use again. I think he canceled last weekend because he was using. I think he sent the anger email because he has a drug induced mind.

I think the hardest part when dealing with an addict is that they are not rational. We try to talk, compromise and basically act like adults. It is shocking, baffling and disappointing when we do this because in return we are basically dealing with a spoiled 4 year old who just got their lollipop took away, and are pissed off. There is no rationalizing. It is very difficult to remember. The are in an altered state.

So, kiddos to you for setting a strong boundary. It isn't easy. But definitely needed. Stay strong and don't give in. I gave in 2 times and created a monster!
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