Ann

That's a lovely picture, so very young. It is good to give this kind of tragedy a face, a name...it is very real, not "just another addict who died". Each one is someone's son, someone's husband or loved on, someone's brother or sister or mother or father.

My prayers continue for you and all who loved your dear son. I will remember his eyes, such lovely eyes, when I pray.

Hugs

Vale

What a handsome and strong young man.

As Ann pointed out....every loss in this
holocaust is the loss of a Mom, a Dad, a Son,
or a Sister-----not a single damn one of them
was "just an addict". Who said?....Stalin(?)
"Kill one person and it's murder---kill 5 million
and it is a statistic".

Abandon, all who read these words, any
self serving belief that YOU are stronger, more
cautious, or BETTER than those who have fallen
in battle to this obscenity.

You are not.

Your son was a human being, and a pretty damn
fine one by the sound of it. We are all diminished by
his loss-----except those who would try to characterize
the loss as "just another addict"

There is no diminishing them, they'd need a shovel to
get any lower.

Hevyn

Thank you for sharing the picture. He was a beautiful boy. Sending much love to you and your family.

Lovenjoy

so very sorry for your loss. ^^^ this says it all... what a handsome boy. thank you so much for sharing. thoughts and prayers for you and yours.

FeelingGreat

Mad4, what a handsome, clear-eyed young man with so much potential. It breaks my heart. I really think a lot of drug tragedies are random, in the sense that many young people have bullet-proof, adventurous spirits which can lead to all sorts of mishaps. Thankfully most of them reach maturity intact, but there are many hazards along the way.
I'm sure if he was around today, he would have been so sorry for what he put you through.

irisgardens

Thank you for sharing the picture of your son. He was a beautiful boy and his eyes particularly beautiful...window to the soul.

JOIE12

I am so very sorry for your loss. I will say prayers for him and for your family. Nothing dulls the ache from the loss of a child.

vaya

I am so truly sorry for your loss. I hope that it is some small comfort that you were at least with him during his last hours, although I can imagine how hard it was on you to wait and see day by day. I am sure his soul is renewed to know you both were there with him.

Please come back and continue to share here and go to outside groups for support. Although it is such a hard reality to face, you have helped me, and undoubtedly others with your story. I'm at a crossroads about what to do for my son, a heroin addict, as he gets out of detox. After reading your sad story it does make it easier for me to figure out what to do.

May you find peace and comfort in your memories of better days.

Dayonesober

I am so sorry for you and your family. It was hard for me to read your story because I can't even imagine your pain and how hard it must have been in making your decisions.I know in your heart you made the best decisions you could. I believe that. We can only do our best and we struggle in life at times.

I rarely ever go to church but I believe there is a God. I will pray for your family.

ForeverAlways

To see your dear son's face is so sad. If only they could see what they were doing to
themselves. This is the most wicked disease I know of. Take care of yourself.

LovesToTravel

I am so sorry for your loss. It really scares me because I feel that I will be there one day. My son is 28 and we have been up and down With the beast. It has been especially rough lately. I gave him my tablet and explained what it was about. I am not sure if he actually read the entire thing. Maybe it will help thank you for writing. Prayers for your family.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Mad thank you for the post. Please don't dwell on the "what if's". The guilt is so hard to bear. I lost my Mother a few years ago, she was dealing with lung cancer and had come to visit me (after all chemo attempts had failed). Her health had severely deteriorated. One day, about 5 days after she arrived to see us, she started to act strangely. She indicated that it was much harder to breathe, and we had to break out the wheelchair for the first time. She was sitting on our couch and complaining that she couldn't get a deep breath. She was flailing on the couch and extremely agitated. I called her hospice nurse who advised me to give her doses of Ativan and morphine. I did exactly what she said to do. A bit later, I was holding my mom and she finally quieted into a sleep. I moved to the other couch and my husband and I sat there lost and scared. We started to discuss the fact that we would need to cancel an upcoming trip as it was clear that Mom would not ever be going back home to Virginia. A few minutes went by, and I looked over at my Mom. She was not breathing, non responsive. She had advised me that she had a DNR (do not resuscitate) order and I was not to go against her wishes. We called 911 and our neighbor who knew CPR. She tried CPR, it didn't work. The paramedics came and tried to defillibrate and CPR, it didn't work. They asked me what I wanted to do? They said I could override the DNR since I had power of attorney. It seemed like minutes went by in my mind and I was so torn. I wanted nothing more than to bring Mom back to me, but she had different wishes. I truly believe she chose the time to leave this earth. They had advised me they could continue for another 5 minutes. I had to make that choice. She had left us and since I believe that the spirit is still with us, I did not feel that I could bring her back to what? She would still be fighting for air, she would still be semi-bedridden and her last wish was to NEVER die in a hospital bed. I struggled with guilt and I still cry whenever this episode comes back to mind. Then I remember that her spirits lives with me daily, and when I need her, I feel her presence.
Your son is an angel now. Look for his presence and you will see him.
I am sending prayers for peace for your family during this very hard time.

ghost99

I am really sorry.

CarmenLove

Mad4Chaos,

I am sorry for you loss.

buttercup89

I am very, very sorry for your loss!

elissa1962

Mad4Chaos, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. I pray that God holds you and your wife in his loving arms and heals you. I plan to give a copy of your story to my addict 22 old daughter and hope she reads it. Love and prayers to you. Elissa

katie44

I am so sorry for your loss & pain. I am at a loss for words. This is every parents nightmare. I pray that you & your family find peace & healing together.
May your beautiful son RIP.

Mad4Chaos

I thought I'd check in & give everyone an update. It's strange how things have settled in. When my son passed, there were 3 people in the room, my wife, my son's mother & myself. As time goes on, they 3 of us have evolved into what I call (cue ominous music) the Triad of Grief. For the most part, Mother really can't talk to her husband about what she's going through. She needs to talk to myself or my wife. A few weeks ago when Mother brought our sons urn home, that was a very bad day. She spent the evening cradling the urn & crying. She said it was like she was really holding him again & she needed to share that pain with us. Through the tears, I asked her if it was gonna be like when he was a kid & I got him every other weekend. We laughed about that. Mother set up a beautiful place on her mantle for the urn with some pieces from flower arrangements from the funeral. There's a plaque that says "In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still. for part of me went with you, the day God took you home." When she sent me a picture of it, I said "Damn, I almost made it through the day without crying, thanks." & we laughed.

Found quite a few pictures & videos that he made as a kid, which causes smiles & tears at the same time. There was one in particular he made the year before he started down the wrong path. He was 15 & we saw our true son again, his laugh, his quirky traits & his joy. It had been so long that we had forgotten how animated & funny he was before the drugs numbed his personality. It was both devastating & heart warming to watch.

I'm just now getting to the point where it's sinking in. Just starting to accept that it's real, that I'll never see him again. It's hard. Hell, it feels impossible. But it is my reality. Mother & Wife aren't there yet, they're still in shock & not ready to accept it. But we'll continue to support each other. We've just gotta take it day by day. On some of those days it really sucks to be conscious, but life goes on. Thanks again for all the support.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Mad, I am sending prayers that you and your family continue to lean on each other and share your feelings and sorrows. Loving an addict (especially a child) is the hardest thing we do and then to lose them, without recovery, that is the ultimate in loss. I struggle daily knowing my son is one needle away from death. You are very strong and I am sure both your wife and your sons Mother are getting so much support from you.
Hugs,
TT