Lotusflower1980

I am the spouse of an addict, this story is long so I will do my best to keep it short and to the point. My spouse had been an addict before we got together, he went through rehab for his addiction to pain killers. We have been together for two years now and I have 4 children, 3 from previous and 1 together. I am not sure if he was clean when we met, I came to this realization last year, when he was taking klonopin and lorazepam and valium, mixed with painkillers. He left me the first time a month after we found out I was pregnant, it was completely unexpected and shocking, especially for him. When he came back things were pretty good, then he lost his job and the motor in my car blew, and my job wasnt going well either. Last spring he admitted to using klonopin, and had been for quite awhile as he said he was having serious anxiety. We finally were able to get into the psychiatrist as I believed he had serious anxiety issues and depression, and he was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and put on medication to help him, which it has, however he never stopped using. After our son was born, he spent the first two weeks of his life stoned on lorazepam. When we all confronted him about it he said he would get help. I was alone in caring for our infant son and three other children while trying to recuperate from giving birth. He left me again not long after, blaming me for everything, nitpicking me and I had had enough and started telling him how I felt and not always in the nicest of ways, but I was so tired of doing it all on my own, he wasnt working, and would lie about it, said he would be at work but I found him in the driveway of a friends house sleeping in his truck, saying he couldnt face me and tell me the truth, so now I am also financially taking care of everything on my own, he doesnt make love to me he says because of the meds, He has lied to all of us about everything and apologizes alot but actions speak louder than words. He told me to always hold him accountable and I do, and when I do I pay for it, he will leave and say nothing, be gone for days and justify at being my fault. He is very passive aggressive, and gaslights me until I want to explode, and of course I have fallen into that trap many times, and then he tells people that I am nuts when I am not. the problem is, that I do love this man, when he is himself, he is a good dad to all the kids and great to me. Two weeks ago he hit a new low, after being clean for three months, he decided to take a sleeping pill, lorazepam and of course his usual meds, he was acting completely bizzarre not like I had ever seen him. There was no fighting no nothing, he was turning on faucets, opening cupboard doors, starting all the vehicles at 230 in the morning. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was going to work. I said its sunday morning you dont work today. When I was able to get him to come to bed he would talk in strings of jibberish and was completely incoherent, then he would have moments when he could speak clearly and would say horrible derogatory things. He then took my phone and smashed against the floor shattering the screen, and when i tried to make him stop he grasbbed my wrist so hard and tossed me on the floor, I went to get his phone off the dresser, to call the police, and he toissed me on the bed and pinned me down taking it from me. He went into the bathroom and put his phone back on the dresser soo I grabbed it again, he came back into the bedroom and i asked him what he took and he punched me in the face, I ran to our sons room and called the police, I stayed there until the police came, he was arrested and charged with assault. Since then his mom and sister and I had taken a hard line with him, said he has to get clean or he loses us. The problem I have now is that he wont answer my questions, he says he wants to get netter and that he is going to aa meetings, smart recovery and relapse prevention, but everytime I ask him what the plan is he stonewalls me like he always has, he just says that he wants to be better and when he can spend time with us take it slow then move back home. My issue is that that is what he has laways done, I mean he lived here but was only involved when he wanted to be, which wasnt very often, I said that its not acceptable that he gets to pick and choose when to be a partner and father as it is a 27/7 job. I am angry that he gets to be so selfish and I still as always have all the responisility. I am very angry, frustrated and confused, this is not love and support this is toxic, I want him to be accountable for his family, and I feel torn between walking away and giving hin the easy way and doing what is best for us. This is really really difficult. He is still stonewalling me rarely answers my questions. I just really want to scream.

ladyscribbler

Hi lotus, and welcome. Sounds like you've been through a lot. Hope you've been able to take care of yourself during this difficult time.
I went through something similar with my ex. We did a temporary separation and he was supposed to be getting help with his alcoholism. He talked a good game about meetings and counseling and blah, blah blah, but it all turned out to be smoke and mirrors. He wanted the status quo back and was unwilling to change anything. To this day he denies having a drinking problem.
The thing I wish I had done is to ignore his words and watch his actions. If I had, instead of believing what I wanted to hear and living on the hope that everything would work out for us, I would have seen that he wasn't doing anything but talking. None of his actions were those of someone who was serious about sobriety and recovery.
You don't have to DO anything right now except watch and wait. More will be revealed. He is pressuring you because he wants his comfy, cozy life back. The one where he can check out of reality whenever he feels like it because you are always there to pick up the slack. I was worried about being a single mom, but honestly it has been so much easier just dealing with the kids and not worrying about an angry, abusive, alcoholic man child to boot.
Something that has helped me quite a bit in sorting through the complex emotions of an addicted relationship is attending Alanon meetings.
Thanks so much for posting. Hugs to you.

chicory

Hello Lotus, and welcome to SR. I am glad you found us!

I am sorry for what you are going through.

You are not alone. We here have heard versions of this story, sadly too many times. I wish I could say that there is a miracle cure for this situation, but there isn't, as you already know. The only one who can cure your husband is him.

Please, keep posting. It helps to talk to others who have been through this.

It sounds very frightening , what he is doing to his body, and to his family. To assault you is not acceptable, and you want to protect yourself and your children. It is dangerous and he needs to get help. You need peace of mind, just to do what you need to do, taking care of the children and all the responsibility.

My experience has been that if someone hits you once, they are very likely to find it easier to do the next time. Please, protect yourself, and know that you are not alone, and we care. We are here for you. thank you for posting. I am sorry, I know this hurts so much.

hugs...

Readreadread

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I used to feel the same way when my stbxah would stonewall me. Not talking through a difficult situation and shutting you out is emotional abuse. This is why you feel especially confused. My advice is stay away from him for a while to get some perspective. Be kind to you and your children and try to focus on that.