Amysad

I have not been able to reach my AD now for 48 hours. She is supposedly clean and we started rebuilding our relationship. However, a week ago she didn't answer a text for almost 2 days and she said it was her phone SIM card not working correctly. Now a week later it's been the same - no response. I feel so let down and angry for letting her back into my life - I feel used and angry. How do I break this 6-9 month cycle of " pls I am clean let me back" and I do and here I am again.

neferkamichael

Amysad, just shows how much you care about her, rootin for ya.

FeelingGreat

It's awful for you Amysad, I'm so sorry. FWIW you are right to reward the clean times, and step back when she's using. What else can you do?

Some A's go through their whole lives oscillating between recovery and using. Heartbreaking as it is, take the good times while you can. She's not doing it to you, or to betray you.

Do you have a shoulder to cry on?

Ann

Amy, her words tells you she is clean but her actions tell you she isn't.

My thought are to keep the line of communication open but keep your expectations low. I'm sorry, I can't remember if she lives with you but since she is using it's a good idea for her to find another place to stay...the street doesn't have to be the only option, the Salvation Army program is very good and it's free.

My prayers go out for you and for her, I know that gut wrenching feeling of "here we go again".

Now is a good time to kick up your own recovery a notch, it will help you find your balance again. Any meetings in your area?

Hugs from my heart to yours.

vaya

Prayers go out to you and your daughter. I know how hard this is, since I have an AS who has to leave my house today, again. I pray he will have a place to go after detox. My fear and worry about him has driven me to stay more connected to him when I should have let go. I hope she is clean, but it is very hard to have any expectations of our addicted children. I've made myself nuts tracking my AS phone records to make sure he's still calling/receiving calls so I know he's ok. Even have his FB login which I've snooped at times just to reassure myself he was ok. So I understand your worry. The only reason I continue to pay his phone bill is so there is a lifeline.
I'm sure she'll call at some point. There are always phones someone can use if they want to make contact. Do you also keep up email contact? People can go to the library to use computers.
I pray she's ok and you too and you'll have the peace of mind of knowing.

hopeful4

Praying for both of you. XXX

zoso77

I suspect she is using again. Which is sad.

As far as how do you break the cycle, you break it by deciding you're going to break it. And that's the hardest part, Amy. It is probably inconceivable to envision a life without your daughter in it. So even though you probably know in the back of your mind that continuing to engage with her this way is not a good idea, you do it anyways because the alternative is unthinkable.

I'm not a parent, but women like Ann and ilovemysonjj are, and they've been through hell with their kids. Without putting words in their mouths, I think the lesson to be learned from them and our other resident moms is you can't save your children from themselves when they're hell bent on destroying themselves. And in order to save yourself, you need to take a step back.

I know you know this, way deep down. But you haven't been ready to take that step back for a lot of reasons. Fear for not having her in your life...fear for what she may do if you did step back...fear for a lot of things.

The thing is, though, is so long as she's using, she will never be a part of your life the way you'd like her and need her to be.

When you're ready to, Amy, you'll do what needs to be done on your own timetable. And when you do, make sure you lean on our moms and allow them to guide you through it.

Be safe.

GardenMama

Amysad, I know what you are feeling--it is agonizing. Just try to shift your perspective a bit. You love her and yet her addiction hurts you. Focus on the love you have for your daughter, and try to let go of her actions related to addiction. That is what I have had to do, even with my daughter in recovery for nine months now. She still doesn't text me back right away, she may go a week or more without contact. She's all over the place, still. Our relationship is shaky and tender and remains on life-support with some prospects for healing, in time. I try to remember that when I am in touch with her.

Waiting and wondering is scary and maddening, I know. My ESH to share with you is that I have just had to decide how I want to interact and who I want to be for her, whether in recovery or not. That doesn't mean enabling, it just means that I know when I text her "I love you!" I have to be happy with the ACT of me doing that and not depend on her response.

Your daughter is saying she wants to be in relationship with you, and I see that as a good sign, even if she relapses, because she wants you in her life. That is good! I think sometimes we are all that they have left of who they remember being before addiction took hold. Try to focus your energy on how much you love her and then let it go. It is all in her hands. Take care, Amy.

allthatsgood

Gardenmama - thank you for your post - along with Amy I needed these very important words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Ilovemysonjj

GM, THANK YOU! Love this nugget and I will keep this one when I feel "unloved" or scared.
TT

Amysad

GardenMama and all..... Thank you for your advices. Means do much to me to have you all as touchstones!

irisgardens

Amy--it is what I call the roller coaster...and so sorry that you are going through the down right now...sending prayers and hugs.