sknghlp

My 16 year old stepson seems like he is going down his dads path to addition. He's been smoking marijuana for over a year now. But the other night he was 45 minutes late and when I called he was trashed. I had to go pick him up and he was "flying high". I did not yell at him because I'm learning you can't fight with intoxicated people. I do not know how to handle him. He is very defiant and stubborn but a good boy. I just fear he's going to be just like his dad. Any advice?

Latte

AlAnon, or NarAnon for you, and rehab for him. That is the best case scenario.

incitingsilence

Not all children who smoke pot become addicts. Not all children of addicts become addicts.

Of course he is stubborn and defiant, he is 16. I would imagine just like every other 16 year old, he has a bullet proof mentality, an I’m smarter than you mentality, and a you can’t tell me what to do mentality …

Behavior … how is his?

Does he do well in school? Meaning working to his potential.

Does he have a job?

Does he have activities that he actively participates in? Does he have passions that light him up? Does he have things in his life he is looking forward to?

Don’t get fixated just on the pot smoking, look at him as a whole.

Is he an addict? Will be become one?

No one can answer that, but I do know that the idea of rehab for someone his age is bad news. Last thing you want is for him to be put into a room with kids that are way past smoking pot.

Addiction isn’t just about using drugs, addiction is about behavior.

The best advice I can give you is to get educated, to not jump on any horror story bandwagon, to not set anything is stone for him, to not react to the using, but to not ignore it either … there is a balance and you will have to find that.

My concern isn’t in the smoking pot, but why he is smoking pot. Has it ever spoke to you about why? And if he hasn’t maybe it is time to ask.

If he speaks, listen, no commenting back allowed, and then use that as a guide. Just let him keep talking, and talking and talking.

And if he doesn’t or can’t talk to you, then I would tell him that you are always there and that he can come to you at any time and you will work your hardest not to react and just listen. I would also tell him that if he feels he can’t talk to you, then he should find someone he is comfortable talking to or ask if he would like you to find someone for him to talk to.

I’ll keep good thoughts for all of you.

tbeit

I could not have said it better Incitingsilence

sknghlp

My son is, for the most part, a good boy. He behaves well except, of course, when he doesn't get his way. He was a terrible student until he started smoking. And now he is pulling mostly c's instead of d's and f's. This is the first year he has not participated in extracurricular activities. I am pushing him to find a job over spring break.
He began smoking because of the kids he was hanging around and these are the kids he continues to be around.
We didn't let him get his learners permit at 15, he just got it, so he won't be driving till he is 17. So he is limited to hanging out with these kids.
I only fear that he has seen his father intoxicated so many times that he thinks it is fun... I will never understand why though. He is more open with his father than he is with me and surely knows more about what dad does than he should.
I always thought the examples my sisters and husband have shown him would detour him from partaking in the same lifestyle.
Since this night.. he has come home early and less "high".

GardenMama

I have to agree with Inciting Silence on this one--really great advice! You might consider going to some NarAnon meetings to get perspective from other parents in your area. It is good to know what might be coming your way and be ready for it. Take care.

sknghlp

I can not locate any nar-anon meetings in my town or even within an hour drive and when I called the rehab center the woman on the phone had never heard of such... I need a meeting badly.. would al-anon be the same if I can find a meeting close by?

mayabee

Al-anon is 12-step based, as is Nar-anon. I have attended Al-anon and found it helpful. Al-anon is geared toward family and friends of alcoholics rather than addicts, but it can still be a good source of support.

GardenMama

I would also recommend this site: Sober Families || Helping families with addiction HomePage - Sober Families || Helping families with addiction

They have a free "course" that they will send part of each week, or I think you can read it all. They also have other resources and experts available. They have podcasts as well that you can listen to.

They are not 12-step but offer great advice for families with loved ones who are experiencing issues with addiction.

And I second the Al-Anon recommendation for face-to-face support.

INgal

I have an alcoholic son who also used drugs. It started around 15/16. I could kick myself for not being more proactive. Because he didn't get into trouble at school and was passing, I didn't seek help. In retrospect, I wonder if I should have put him in a military academy, or someplace with low tolerance and more structure. Some kids do just fine smoking pot. They mature and it's Over.

If you have no NarAnon meetings nearby, you can go to AlAnon. Also stay connected on here!

sknghlp

I have looked at different schooling options in the past and have thought about putting my son in a different place... I don't know if this is the answer for my son. He is so rebellious these days and I don't want to push him farther away.
He is so much like his father that it scares me. The only thing I know for sure is that I refuse to live with two people who use. I love them both more than words can say. Being that he is my stepson I feel that there a certain boundries I can not cross with him. Or can I?

INgal

Honestly, I should have started detaching back then, and I might have had a mature adult on my hands now. Hopefully Seren will weigh in. She is a stepmom and is exceptionally wise!

sknghlp

I have tried detaching myself. Being a stepmom is hard enough as it is.

Ileana

In my opinion having a 16 year old using versus an adult using is very different. By the very nature of the relationship, a 16 year old still needs discipline and guidance. I had to laugh at your statement (not because it was funny but because it is my daughter exactly) "he is well behaved, except when he doesn't get his own way'. Now, read that sentence again. So basically, he has already learned how to manipulate you into getting his way, good when its good for him, bad when he doesn't like it. That was my daughter, still is. She is fantastic when the world revolves around her needs, unfortunately, that is not reality. And when reality intrudes into her little fantasy world, she uses. Just my opinion but your stepson needs to understand that you are in charge, not him. That if he continues to choose to use, he risks the consequences. Then put them in place and stick to them.

Just my opinion, I wish I could go back in time and do that when she was his age, maybe now my daughter would be a responsible, productive adult instead of a self-involved teenager in and adult's body.

JOIE12

Addicts don't drink or use drugs because of whom they hang around with. Each makes a choice.

sknghlp

Staying in charge is the most difficult part. I work full time and am also a full time student so my AH is the one in charge of my stepson. He lets him manipulate him or just lets him do whatever so he doesn't have to deal with him. Then I come home and lay down the authority. This puts me in the worst position. My AH is now 5 days sober and is behaving more like a father, thank goodness.
I have explained to my stepson the consequences of his behavior and expramentations with drugs. He will make good choices for a while and then revert back to using. After watching his father be in a drug haze for most of his life, I have hoped that he would go down a different path. He and I have had many conversations about how disgusting his father is when he is using. After saying he would never be like that, now he is striving so hard to be just like him.
As I am writing this my husband tells me he has bought him cigarettes twice... ugh... am I fighting a losing battle?