danadanes

Hi all. This is my first post though I have been lurking and gaining strength from your posts for weeks. My ah is at inpatient rehab now until april 5. I don't have time right now to post all the details. But he is an alcoholic and opiate addict. He hid it very well in fact was 18 months in aa. All the time using opiates and stimulant cocktail. He got worse in the last 3 months and I was close to divorce. I did not know about the using. But I "knew" he had become a lazy, grumpy, mean, emotional, detached...*******. I thought I just did not like him,sober or using. Then he has a mental crisis and goes to detox in the middle of the night 2weeks ago after a suicide threat.

Now he sounds much better in rehab, more clear headed and says he is committed to sobriety. But I am struggling with all the lies broken promises and the fact that he cared for and drove our kids while using.

I'm not ready for him to return home and am encouraging a sober living alternative for when he is out. He seems amenable now at least.

The kids love and miss their dad. I want to encourage a relationship but am terrified he will relapse when he is out. He is a hiding addict and I won't know if he is sober and mean or in an altered state.

Can you share what safeguard I can put in place so he can see the kids? And still keep them safe and not set off my worrying? Have any of you done a step up plan and what did it look like after rehab?

Thanks!

atalose

Understanding that rehab is not a cure but merely an opportunity for him, and allowing time to witness his future choices before you make any final decisions is what I would suggest.

He could visit with the kids when you are always present, set boundaries on how often and stick to that.

After rehab is the time to really focus on his actions not his words. Witness his recovery dont just hear about it.

Ann

I agree, until his actions indicate a dedication to sobriety over a long period of time, maybe a year at least, I think all visits with the children should be supervised, by you or someone you know you can trust like a family member.

I hope he does well, many do, but many relapse as well and we never know until time shows us how our addicted loved one will be.

Protect your children and give it lots of time and positive action, words mean nothing at this point.

Hugs

AliWProk

it's true, you won't be able to believe him until he has a good amount of sober time, if ever. Don't do what I did and test his sobriety on the kids. Trust your gut, get supervised visits, maybe Sober Link could be of use.

1JerseyGirl

I was in a somewhat similar situation. My AH has been through numerous rehabs and every time I thought he was turning over a new leaf and that he finally had the epiphany I'd been hoping he would have. Unfortunately each time, that was not the case. He would relapse within 3 months. This past September after completing rehab I decided I did not want him back home until he could prove himself, so he began living in a sober house which in my eyes was a great idea because he was doing great. He was working, had a sponsor, going to meetings everyday, looked physically healthy and appeared to be trying. So, late December we both decided to give things another try and I allowed him to move back home. In 3 weeks, he relapsed again and I also found out that he cheated while in the sober house. Allowing him to come back home 3 or 4 months after rehab was premature to say the least.

The main reason I allowed him back in the house was because his sober house was 1 and a half hours away from my house and my kids also missed their dad. But in hindsight, I wish I would have given a lot more time to allow him to really see if his recovery was something he really wanted or if he was just doing it because every one was pressuring him to stay clean again. My point is sometimes you need to give someone all the freedom in the world and allow them to be on their own to really see if recovery is what they really want. With no one to manipulate, you will see for yourself if recovery is something he really wants. I know its hard because the kids miss their dad but having their father in and out of their lives because of drugs is not healthy for the little ones. My children are always asking why their dad cannot live with us right now and I tell him that daddy has an illness and he is working to try and get better so that he can make better decisions and live a better life. I do not go into details because they are too young. I think it is ok to let them see their dad but I agree that early in his recovery, he probably shouldn't be alone with them.

Hang in there. You are not alone. I pray that you are given all the strength to get through this. Lots of hugs!

Latte

To see my children I have to meet with their Father first and if I am clean (opiate addict) I can visit with them. This was set up to keep the kids safe and I agreed to it before I went to rehab.

Maybe meet with him while he is in rehab or over the phone with his counselor.

My kids Dad served me with divorce papers in rehab though and I was desperate for approval from my family so I complied. My family pushed up my bottom. I did go to a sober living facility and am now living with someone else, clean and sober.

Their Dad is involved with someone who is good for them. I love them but I can't take care of them. They have my number, they know how to get ahold of me. I message them often and sometimes they answer but mostly they ignore me.

The story isn't pretty but the kids are safe.

hopeful4

Does he have family you could entrust to oversee the visits, or someone you trust that your children get along with also?

I would not let him have them alone for a long period of time. Just my .02

danadanes

His only (fairly) local family is his mother. She is his biggest enabler and we do not get along at all. She wants him clean, but there is no way she would tell me if he was not - or if he wanted to take kids alone, etc. she would not hesitate to lie to me.

hopeful4

Then it would be supervised visits by the court or myself only. XXX