Please. Why 50 steps back?
 

My addict says today. He's gonna be miserable sober. No life and. No life using.....told me he only is doing outpatient for me. I asked who is your support? Cause he doesn't want to get a sponsor. Has his friends to talk to doesn't need others. These friends are non addict. Girls mainly. That when he says. I'm having bad day. He gets aww darling. I love you. No one to say. The recovery words. He says I got myself into this mess and hell get himself out of this mess. So for parent of. Where does it leave life?.

It leaves his life in his hands and your life in yours. If only our love could save our addicted loved ones, we would not be here if that was the cure.

I almost lost my life trying to save my son and all it did was drag me down with him. Once I found my own recovery, CoDA and Al-anon were the meetings I attended most, I could find clarity and think more clearly and reclaim my life once more.

I found very quickly that I could no longer live in the problem (my son's addiction) and live in the solution (my own recovery) at the same time. The only part of this that had anything to do with me was my own recovery, so I chose that road and have never looked back.

Hugs

Thanks Ann.

Twofour.. I agree with Ann. I am learning that his addiction and recovery is in his hands. I'm dealing with it to... "he will go to counseling for ME"... only when they are ready is when it will happen.

My youngest sister admitted herself into rehab, her choice, a few weeks ago for using heroin and before then I tried 3 years to help her.. with no luck. She had to do it for her...

Keep your head up

I echo what Ann has said above me, but I'd like to highlight something that I found interesting.

What I have learned in my own journey is if we believe our lives are going to be miserable, then we're going to find a way to make that happen through our choices.

The same goes for us, the loved ones of an addict. In the wake of a very toxic relationship with an addict girlfriend ending, I simply decided that I was going to get better, I was going to get through this, and that was that. And it became a very self-affirming process for me, because I made choices to make sure that I did get better.

He has to find his own path, whatever that path is. And you have to find yours. As Ann said, you can't live in his problem and your solution at the same time. So you have to find a way to live with this that works best for you.

I'm certain, in time, you'll decide what that path is.

.... toxic relationships, end. They flounder through the troubles and challenges. But they always end. One way or another. Love can't save him. Please save yourself.

He is right about being miserable. Most addicts really are miserable the first year. That is why so many don't stop using until the misery of getting high is more than the misery of getting sober.

He is making excuses. He isn't done yet.

I had a few hundred conversations with my XAH along these lines before I left him, with our then 3 year old son. He was like a case of arrested development, a 17 year old mentality in a 43 year old body. He never really matured beyond the onset of his addiction, and used 30 years of experience to hide it, protect it, keep it going.

After all of those broken promises about getting help, and finding out how far he would go to sustain his addiction, I quite literally fled for my sanity. I did not seek help, but did a lot of reading, and committed myself to my health and my son, and stepdaughter.

Since his precipitous downward spiral after I left and then his A girlfriend left, he had finally attracted the attention of his family, who spent 2 years and who knows how many thousands of dollars trying to save him. Only recently, 4th relapse since they got involved, did they finally go to Al anon to learn all I had, to save themselves. We are all quite close now.

This is his fight now. He lost his job 6weeks ago. Child support for his daughter is due next week, and if he doesn't pay he gets a bench warrant. He hasn't been heard from for 2 months. I have to say my life and the kids' lives are so much more peaceful since he is basically out of our lives.

His parents say that they struggle to do nothing, but vow no help unless its to recovery. They will not give him any more money. We hope he finds bottom someday, but its nothing to do with us. We get out of his way, and stay out of his way. And that distance gives us the opportunity to focus on ourselves.

And so it goes. May you smile with the sun in your face.

Update....addict stole got arrested. Asked for detox. Oh my god. Now possible jail....can he still go to detox. Will they postpone court.....please help. Thoughts

Dear Two, jail saved my sons life. Don't bail him out, please be strong.

It could be considered a medical emergency. If he has a high BAC they may take him to hospital for detox and may even post a cop to wait until he's out to take him to jail/arraignment. Just happened in my town.

So he's chosen his path. And I agree with ilovemysonjj wholeheartedly when she recommends you not bail him out.

If anyone knows a thing or two about that sort of thing, it's ilovemysonjj. If you haven't already done so, I would both look at her post history and pick her brain.

I will do that thank you no bail needed he was released his father picked him up and placed him at my door He called inpatient and is getting admitted not sure what will happen with the legal thing but I am not taking it on He has to

thank you and prayers please I am so very scared I know you all know...he said he stole to get his computer back from hock it was yesterday or he loses it.....saw pawn ticket and it said so ................My God how did he get here..... I will seek help for me I have to be strong for my other two boys thanks everyone

Thank you I hear you and don't doubt it I really understand now.

Dear two, please know I have been there and done that in terms of the jail issue and fear that goes with that. If this is his first offense, they may order court ordered rehab in lieu of jail. That is a good option. Your son is young, and there is always the hope he will want to change before the "Hell" starts with their consequences of choices. My story is long and over 3 years here of posting, but I WILL say that there is council here. Ann, Anvil, Zoso, LovemeNow, Garden Mama, Zale and many, many more have held me through my despairs. The ONE thing I learned is that I cannot have an active addict living under my roof (or even early recovery) without the insanity of their lifestyle interfering with my serenity. A very hard thing to come to terms with for sure, but so many speed bumps in the struggle for sobriety have occurred because of my enabling. Its hard to accept that I learned from my "failures" to attempt to control the addictive actions.
I LOVE my son unconditionally but I cannot continue my destructive actions to save him.
Hard stuff, but we are ALL here to help each other.
I hope and pray your son is learning from these consequences.

My sister and brother in law both found themselves in prison from their addictions. My sis says it's the best thing that ever happened to her. Rehab is costly.. $15000 for a month in some places unless the court sentences him to rehab.
I would only recommend the rehab if you can afford it... he might only be asking for rehab because of the fear of jail.
Jail can be bad for some and good for others. I know that in most jail systems, people can still get high.

Jail is usually a good thing. It separates them from you long enough to let you clear your head and sort out your boundaries. Some get clean inside and others don't. Some only stay clean in jail and then relapse whenever they get out.

While he is inpatient maybe you could talk to a counsellor or go to an al anon meeting.

Hugs to you.

Thank you for all for all of the posts. I did not bail him out he was able to sign himself out and needed a ride home. I said no and his dad grabbed him. He is suppose to be in front of a judge next Tuesday but going inpatient tomorrow. He will have to call a public defender and see whatever happens. I told him I can not do it or be involved I did let him stay nite and said I would drop off at rehab tomorrow. I know some of that is enabling but I needed to know He was there what happens after is all his. He did have a DUI 1 1/2 years ago and was accepted in the ARD program not that is gone. Huge Huge may just be his bottem I know it is mine...........
Thanks again I do have a counselor and attend naranon online and in person that has helped me to understand but I am no means there yet but Im going I know I have to work on the inner me to survive

I have listened to several testimonies of young people who have been to numerous rehabs, and jail. For many it was when the court system got involved that saved their lives.

Tight, tight hugs

A quick update is that they did accept him in detox. He asked what am I doing after this? I said what ever you think you need. He said are there any longterm centers that wont cost you too much.... I said talk with the counselors here I did say I cant handle the destructive behavior of av...I told him I love him....Fight hard..and had the hardest, I mean the hardest walk away of my life, my God my heart hurts but I know with what you all of shared this was my direction I needed to take today as well.
Thanks to all of you.