laley25

Me and my fiancé began dating a year and a half ago. His mom set us up and pretty much "sold" what a great guy he is. Immediately after we began dating he told me he had a heroin addiction after high school but he has been clean since. He assured me I have nothing to worry about and that he was fine. 3 months after dating he moved in with me and 3 months after that he proposed to me in front of our family and friends. He got a job at the state prison as a corrections officer and we began to plan our wedding. Life was perfect. During wedding planning our mothers began fighting. I caught his mom sending presents to his ex girlfriend (he thought he had a kid with her, he didn't. long story and long breakup). She was addressing presents to her from him. When we found out we asked her and she said she just needed closure etc. I was understanding and tried so hard to not be upset. After a few more incidents I had to eventually talk to her myself and tell her I didn't appreciate it. It was a good talk and I set those healthy boundaries. Over time our moms feud got worse. It got so bad that we found ourselves fighting constantly while trying to protect our mothers. I believe this was his breaking point. Around Christmas he told me he was using painkillers. I told him we would work through it. We made a plan for him to detox at home because he didn't want to go to rehab (he insisted he could do it at home). During this time I was supportive. I didn't smother him or expect much from him. I made him comfortable in our bedroom, with tv, fluids, and anything else he needed. I spent the next few days in the living room making sure to keep my distance but still be there if he needed me. After about a week he said he was feeling better. I knew it wasn't long before it would happen but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Just two weeks later, the entire story unraveled. I asked him to go pay the landlord rent and when I got home from work he said he needed to talk to me. He told me he was using again and that he needs some serious help. I took this as a HUGE sign that he wanted sobriety. I told him we needed to talk with his parents and set it up for him to leave to rehab. When we talked to his parents all I heard was "what about your job?" and "you can detox at home". The conversation turned bad. They began babying him. They told him he could come home with his mom and that he needed his parents. I still was supportive. He left my house the next morning and stayed with his mother. I checked our bank account, we had a negative balance AND we were a month behind in our bills already. I got statements from the bank and realized the extent of his addiction. I reacted badly by going to his moms and screaming at him. I hit him and threw the statements at him in anger. I took his card (so he wouldn't have a way to pull money from the ATM) and left. The next day his parent took him to his work, made him change his direct deposit, and get a new bank account that only HE has access to. When he came home I was livid towards his parents. He assured me he was just scared I was gonna leave him and he needed to protect himself. Fine. This week I asked him to transfer his check to our joint account so I can pay the rent again. When I checked there was $700. He usually makes at least $1,000. I asked him and he said his checks were just low because he hadn't worked so much. I decided to test this. I left our money in the account and held back from spending anything. We ate out twice and ordered red box movies. He was paid on Thursday, and on Tuesday he told me there was only $250 to go towards our rent. I called the payroll department to see how much money he was ACTUALLY paid and turns out he made $970. Yesterday while I was working an hour away from town my mom called me and told me she saw him in his car with some guy parked at the library. She waited and got video and photos of the drug dealer and the sell. I found a straw under his car seat and Im guessing he is counteracting the pinned eyes with cocaine??

During the exact time that she's telling me whats happening, he's texting me that he loves me.

I have decided that tomorrow Im changing the locks, taking my name off our joint account, and nicely packing his belongings and taking them to his parents. His mom tells me constantly that I haven't been supportive and all I care about it the money. She told me that she doesn't know why her son decided to propose to me and that I was selfish. His parents are enablers and constantly help him. His mom will lie to be about where he is and who he is with. She makes excuses for him as to why he is over an hour late coming home. During this time he has become mean and horrible to me. When we fight he tells me things about how I perform sexually, what I don't do around our house, how I don't provide and basically how I would be nothing without him.

I guess Im asking for advice. I need support. Or I need somebody to tell me that Im an ******* for leaving him. ANYHTHING. I don't know if Im helping him by leaving him or if I should continue to work with him through this. What do I do?

zoso77

laley...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us, and I'm very happy you posted. Other members will be by to greet you during the day and give you feedback. Until they do, I've got some thoughts I'd like to share with you.

We see a lot of this, laley...the addict appearing to be honest about their past addiction, reassurances that they don't do that stuff anymore, and so on. And then later on, you get blindsided when you learn they're using again.

We're not couples counselors here. But what I will tell you is if you want to make the best decisions possible for yourself, you have to be honest with yourself about what you're up against, and you have to understand that what you want is not necessarily the same thing as what's best for you.

Read as many posts as you can, paying particular attention to the sticky notes on our homepage. Learn, absorb, understand...and once you do, you'll be in a better decision to make the necessary decisions.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

tate9685

My advise is to leave the relationship immediately. I am so sorry that you got entangled with him. It sounds like he needs a long term in patient stay and then afterwards he would benefit from a half-way house like sober living for a year or more. If you want to wait around for all that, it is up to you, but my advise would be to cut your losses and RUN, don't walk away.

ladyscribbler

I have decided that tomorrow I'm changing the locks, taking my name off our joint account, and nicely packing his belongings and taking them to his parents.

Sounds like a very wise move. This guy doesn't sound ready to quit.

His mom tells me constantly that I haven't been supportive and all I care about it the money. She told me that she doesn't know why her son decided to propose to me and that I was selfish. His parents are enablers and constantly help him. His mom will lie to be about where he is and who he is with. She makes excuses for him as to why he is over an hour late coming home.


Sadly this is pretty typical behavior. She thinks she's protecting her son, misguided though her methods are. She is afraid for him, but also doesn't want the burden of caring for him to fall on her. My ex's mom was the same way, constantly enabling and making excuses.

During this time he has become mean and horrible to me. When we fight he tells me things about how I perform sexually, what I don't do around our house, how I don't provide and basically how I would be nothing without him.

This is also pretty typical. Everything that comes out of his mouth is about him trying to deflect attention from his drug use, so he piles blame on you, starts phantom arguments and says anything he can to tear you down. My ex had a similar "script" he used to try to keep people from focusing on his drinking.
The best thing you can do for both of you is to protect yourself. His entire world revolves around protecting his ability to get high, everything else- work, relationships, family- is going to be a distant second.

laley25

Thank you. I needed to see that ^

I needed to hear it from somebody that doesn't have a bias towards me or him.

atalose

You are a STRONG, SMART and COURAGIOUS woman for getting yourself out of this relationship.

First of all you’ve only know this guy for 1 ½ years, moved in with him rather quickly and engaged before you even really knew the real him. And now that you do it’s ok to say he’s not for you.

We all have baggage but opiate addiction is some heavy baggage that will be with him his entire life no matter if he’s in recovery or not he will always and forever be one bad decision away from using again. No matter how much rehabs, meetings, therapy he will always be one bad decision away from using again.

I think what you need to ask yourself is, is this the life you always want to live? Always wondering if he’s using, always wondering if he’s lying.

laley25

Ive known him since we were kids. We went to the same schools, hung out with the same friends etc. Ive been in a relationship with him for a year and a half. Even before we were in a relationship we were friends. During our entire friendship I didn't even know he ever had an addiction. His mom tried for months to get us to date and the year and a half is the actual relationship time. When I say his mom sold him I mean that she would talk bad about his exgirlfriend (I believe she left him for the same reasons now) and would talk about him being responsible, caring etc. She even mentioned his drug addiction and how he passed it. I know this isn't what I want. I guess I'm lingering on it for the simple reason that I want it to not be true. He tells me crap about my dad and brother being addicts that I never gave up on and how unsupportive Ive been of his addiction.

laley25

That alone makes me feel so horrible. He makes me feel like Im selfish for trying to get myself out. Like I'm just leaving him there and taking care of myself only. When I got a separate bank account he told me I was setting myself up to leave him because I don't love him enough to support him in this.

atalose

As you have found out there is a big difference between “knowing” of someone and “really knowing” someone.

He’s saying what addicts say, trying to manipulate you so he can keep things as they were.

You were there for 1 ½ years “loving him” weren’t you and he still chose to lie and use so take love out of the equation, he’s trying to manipulating you and manipulation is NOT LOVE.

mab112

I am new here this is only my second post.... I found out in September that my AH was using heroin. Since then I find out more and more.... and more...

My advice is RUN.... Save yourself. You can't save him. Only he can. Your relationship isn't special or different than anyone else on this board. Leave now and start over.

Trust me when you look back a few years from now or even a few months you will be happy you did. It is much easier to leave before your married with children.

Sending you support.