cynical one

Detachment Or Disengagement

There is a dramatic difference between detachment and disengagement.

Detachment is when I am not responsible for you.

-I am not responsible for your feelings.

-I am not responsible for your outcomes.

-I am not responsible for your attitudes.

-I am not responsible for the consequences of your actions.

-I am not responsible for the consequences of your decisions.

-I am not responsible for your behaviors.

-I am not responsible for your stress.

When I detach from your stuff, and it is your stuff, I let you grow and learn what life wants you to learn from your errors in judgment, mistakes and actions at any given point in time. I am there to support you, help you where you feel I can help but you must do the work.

Disengagement is where, not only do I detach, but I don't even care what is happening to you or why or when or how. I have completely cut you off emotionally. I just don't give a rip.

Detachment helps others grow, learn and develop if you will only let them.

Disengagement puts distance, often un-repairable distance, between you and your partner.

Detachment can often be perceived by others as disengagement when they have a great deal of emotional work to do on themselves. When you detach they will often default back to blaming you for their conditions, circumstances or outcomes. It is at these times when we must be strong not only for ourselves but for others as well.

We all have to learn life's lessons sooner or later. We can learn them the easy way or the hard way but life doesn't care. The lessons keep coming and coming. You can whine, complain, feel like a victim or you can get on with it. It's your choice.

periwinkle123

Thank you! I have been a little confused by this topic and the boundaries of what is detachment.

Ann

Thanks, CO, I get confused myself sometimes. Detachment removes me mentally and emotionally from other people's "stuff", disengagement removes me physically from them.

Hugs

Clee0308

I am a little confused - I feel like I was learning detachment -- but the people who had boundary issues have decided to completely ignore me ( stepchildren & granddaughter) since my husband decided to go to rehab. They think I forced him - he did on his own it was a complete shock when he asked. So am I disengaged? I am not sure how I feel about the entire situation. I certainly don't miss the chaos. I have been going to alanon meetings. On the bright side - hubby sober 7 months....we are learning to live our life together in this new way.....

Ann

Clee, you have done nothing wrong and congratulations to your husband.

People who choose to be opinionated on choices about which they know nothing, are shallow and self-rightous and that's on them, not you.

Just keep doing what is right for you and keep your side of the street clean and leave their issues to them to sort out. This is called detaching with love.

Hugs

Firefall

Cynical One, thank you for this.
I have worked my way through detachment with one of the people in my life that I had to remove from my home.
remembering the last day, hearing her attitudes and excuses, then hearing myself saying,
I don't care where you go.
I don't care what you do.
I don't care if you beg someone to let you live with them
I don't care if you rent a room somewhere.
You can do whatever you want
You just can't do it in my home anymore.

It took me from April 2014 to February 2015 to detach to this point. It didn't just happen. I had to actively work at it day by day. Those words set me free.

Nevertheless, there is a lot of work after that to reassure myself, that I am not an awful person, that I am not heartless.

Amms

Great write up. I think I vacillate between both. i want to detach but find I am disengaging, perhaps to protect myself because i am not sure what the boundaries should be. This is very helpful. Perhaps it is a matter of progression. I detach first, but be willing to be supportive for now, but another incident/encroachment on my boundaries/assault on my peace then I move to disengagement. I am finding this useful. thank you.

Hechosedrugs

Ditto.

The first time I split with STBXH, I was devastated. I couldn't even get out of bed, and I kept begging him in my mind to come home. Then he did, full of promises, and though I was relieved to have him back, there was a noticeable difference in how I felt and acted toward him- I had detached. My boundaries were up- I simply wouldn't let him put me through those emotions again. It wasn't even a conscious decision- I was just all cried out, I guess. Then, when he crossed those boundaries, I was done. I disengaged.

It was really quite amazing, after so many years of revolving my life around him- suddenly, I just didn't care. All I want now is to be free of him. My life will be harder on the surface- I'll have to get a job, go to college, put my children in a public school (I homeschool), I may have much less money (although I might just have more, considering his spending sprees)... but I will have order back in my life.

It's a beautiful thing!