hopeful4

This. I would guess he is using something that passes the drug test, maybe Rx drugs, who knows. However, you know what you know, that this was important to you and he is not able to do it for you to trust him.

XXX

aasharon90

I entered recovery when we were about
8 yrs married and with just me living a
recovery life with a program to follow
and incorporate in my everyday life,
we remained married for 25 yrs.

I was the only family member with an
addiction and with a recovery program,
but our family lacked communication
and understanding.

Without the entire family living in a
recovery life together we failed to bond
into a healthy, happy unit. However, each
one of us eventually went on to live healthier,
happier lives down the road.

My husband remarried. I remarried happier,
healthier, honest. Both of my adult children
grew, matured to become healthy, happy,
college degreed, married, engaged, family,
career members in their community.

Addiction doesn't have to destroy families
or people if each is willing to work for what
they want out of life. We all wanted something
in life and we all worked hard to get it.

For that we are all blessed.

Recovery is a gift full of promises to enjoy
each day I remain sober. So can you.

calikidd

Statistics do not matter your situation is unique in it self the only thing that matters is the to people in the situation

Kelslol

I have a hard time understanding this. If my husband is an active addict that directly affexts me cuZ of his actions so I'm not sure how I can be happy if he is using? If I find out he is using i will file divorce papers immediately

Kelslol

That's funny you say that cuZ I was wondering the same thing so I just ordered 3 different types of drug tests to cover my bases. I should get them by Monday!

I struggle with being nice to him though. My therapist said I need to help my anxiety and fear and not lash out on him cuZ I've said some hurtful things. So he has started to resent me. The resentment is on both ends now so it makes our relationship extremely difficult. I'm scared we won't make it through this

zoso77

My larger point may be expressed like this:

If our happiness is dependent on the behavior of another person, then we may never be truly happy.


We have no control over what other people do or don't do, and that's why we can't depend on someone else to make us happy, or more appropriately and importantly, whole.

I went back and reread your first post from January. In spite of what he's done, you've chosen to stay, despite whatever misgivings you quite obviously have:

So if this is how you truly feel, then you've got some work to do, and none of it is going to be pleasant. You have to really be honest with yourself. You have to really think hard about what is important to you. And if you decide that riding this out with your husband is not in your best interests, then you have to act accordingly.

As far as being embarrassed or ashamed goes, don't be. Every single one of us on this board has had an experience with an addict that has left us compromised to one degree or another. We've all been lied to and been taken advantage of. It happens. What's important is that we learn from the experience. And by doing that, we take important steps to increase our happiness down the road.

Firefall

This is the bottom line, excuses or recovery?

BlueChair

Sharing from my own experience. Your therapist is correct. You are making it harder on him and on yourself by not putting some of your own behaviors in check. I was scared too in the beginning and I did a lot of work with mine. It takes time but it helps. What your reporting is anxiety, fear, loss of communication with your husband, 0% trust, I have to add in almost a paranoid feeling because your to the point of thinking ok this test was clean, i will get another one, and another one and i will prove hes using. Backed by your comment then I will file for divorce. Its almost like you are in Flight mode (fight or flight) and you want an excuse to run. You dont need an excuse, if the relationship doesnt work then you can leave now. Maybe even a break would be helpful. Do you have family or a friend you could stay with for a while?

I say your behaviors affect him, and its also shared from personal experience. often people use drugs to cope. In early recovery they are dealing with how to manage feelings which were previously managed with drugs. He may be new to coping at work, with friends, and now at home with you. I believe you found out about his drug use because he told you. But your setting it up so he wont feel safe confiding in you again. This is what I see because I risked this in my marriage at the beginning also. If you both agree on random drug testing its ok, but ask a doctor to do it, one of the therapist is hopefully an addiction doctor ? Or can refer you to someone who can do this. Dont give him your money, but let him have control of his own. If you have an agreement on who pays what then hold him accountable if he is mismanaging his share and cant come through. Decide what this means to you and what you will do as a response. Maybe your therapist can help with some of this? Not trying to be hard on you, but Ive been there, got through it, marriage still intact. Hes got to do his part of course, and if hes not then it will show up. You wont have to look too deep to see it eventually.

Firefall

Blue Chair is right on about "you won t have to look"
This is the behavioral disease we get living with an addict.

I felt if I was watchful enough, got on my RA, then I could fix it all I wound up.doing was.making myself sick and paranoid my RA was either mad or totally
Disconnected from family.

Kelslol

I always love your advice!! Sadly, I just found out 5 minutes ago that my husband had champagne at a work meeting on Wednesday. I mentioned if they had champagne today at a meeting and he said no and so u decided to ask if they had one on Wednesday. He said he had a glass of don perioN cuZ everyone was cheersing to the new facility. He didn't tell me. And then he proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't be mad and that I need to stop telling him what to do. Seriously??? He told me he wasn't going to drink for a year and then see if he could handle it. Some people that were addicted to pills can drink occasionally and not become addicted. I'm so upset right now and we are suppose to leave for my dad's birthday dinner in 10 mi Utes. I'm so angry and upset, and the fact that he got super defensive makes me even more mad!!!!! Ok sorry

BlueChair

Its ok to share here, dont be sorry for what u feel.

My husbands addiction doctor suggested he not drink either at least for a while. Hes not been a big beer drinker, and in all our years Ive never worried about his drinking usually it would be a couple glasses of wine, or maybe one harder drink once in a while. I was all for the idea of No drinking because I was worried about cross addiction too. Better safe than sorry is what I felt.

But he was upfront with the doctor and me about how he wanted to see if he could drink socially, never for emotional reasons, or to escape. So far hes done ok with it. He kept telling me either he would learn it was going to cause him problems and he would give it up, or he would keep awareness and drink normally. And he said only time would tell, and if he could manage it, then he said he'd I would begin to feel more confident and less afraid. Yes this has happened.

I guess I see both sides. My concern was fear for him and never wanting him to be sick again. But at the same time I had to respect his decision and deal with my emotions around it. I think it helped a little because I knew he was of sound mind and making the decision with considered thought. I know Ive got a few posts here about it I think.

Dont let any of this ruin your evening with your dad. Its his night and Im sure hes looking forward to spending it with you.

Kelslol

Ya and I've seen people be totally fine with drinking after they were addicted to a different drug. I think im more upset that he hid it from me. He told me he would be 100% honest with me and not lie to me. In the beginning he told me he chewed one night at a softball game (he gave that up as well) and I told him I appreciated his honesty and he told me he wouldn't keep anything from me. I feel like he isn't trying at as
lol. I shouldn't have had to ask to find out the answer. He doesn't consider that lying. He said if he lied then he would have told me no. He doesn't get it. I'm on my last straw. This is not the guy i married. I feel so alone right now cuZ my two girlfriends that know everything are both on vacation so I'm not going to call them. It's funny cuz now i just want to drink a bottle of wine and forget my troubles (im not an alcoholic nor am I even close to being one)