vaya

AS just got terminated from rehab. Let him stay a few days to a week, depending on his behavior & drug use. I've shared here recently about those concerns. Now he appears to be using heroin again. (He tested dirty for opiates in rehab and swears it was his medicine.)
Behaviors include nodding out, ( which is why they tested him in rehab) , slurred speech. He is also oppositional, argumentative and extremely negative and generally not productive or apparently concerned that he needs to find a place to stay. I've offered him sober living, but....he probably can't make it in. Given him resources and numbers to call, but that's too overwhelming for him. Claims he's so anxious from the rehab experience and life in general.

Today, after we got back, I picked him up from an appointment, and he was agitated and overreacting to the difficulty he had at the welfare office. He did manage to get an appointment for tomorrow. Behavior is regressive and not like he was when in rehab. Whines, laments, feels like a victim, etc....

Anyway, he claimed to want to take a shower and was in the bathroom for about 20 minutes before the shower even got turned on. I bugged him a couple of times about how long it was taking. He finally took shower- total time in bathroom about 40 minutes. Just like same old crap before.

After he came out there was the slurred speech and nodding. No real signs of much in bathroom except piece of tissue with blood on it, like he would leave behind previously when using and a few drops of blood on door. (He's been exposed to Hep C and isn't careful with his blood.)

This morning I found a rubber tie that is used to tie off in his jacket pocket. He is not eating, except late at night and mostly sweets.

Okay....I'm not stupid. some pretty obvious signs. Told him if he's using anything he's out and he should start making those calls and see about setting up a transitional situation.

He's back to denial and saying I can't prove it. I'm pretty sure what's up. Saw it for four years when he lived with me. So....now I'm faced with following through on the boundaries and consequences I states. I can get a drug test and test him so we cut the crap. My younger son says he can tell AS is using and figures I'll be in the same denial as before, but I assured him I won't.

I absolutely cannot take seeing him like this. It is making me furious. He claims to just be tired, etc. He is taking Seroquel, but it didn't make him like this when he first started. he was just calmer. I cannot subject my younger son (23) to this much more. he went through enough years, more than me, with this with his addict brother.

I'm furious I can't reach my AS and wish he'd wake up and snap out of it. Apparently all he cares about is still getting high. I'm getting angrier and nastier with him. I'm still trying to control him. I guess he figures I'm not going to follow through. he says he wants to go to hospital this weekend. I pray he still does and will gladly take him.

I'm going to have to ask him to go. I can't take a front row seat to watching him do this to himself.

I'm trying to figure out how to do this without a big scene and when.

I'm right back to checking pockets, timing him in the bathroom and all the insanity of before. I'm uptight and not taking care of myself or finishing what I have to do. My AS is such a baby. I am starting to hate him, not just the disease.

Any suggestions about how to handle this?

greeteachday

I'm sorry it has come to this so quickly, Vaya. My suggestion is not to get into the "I think you are using" "no I'm not; you can't proof it" debate. If it is possible to calmly state that the offer of a place to stay was temporary and it is not working out for you. You are falling back into the insanity and that isn't good for either of you. It would be hard for him to argue the point when it isn't about him.

I know it isn't as easy as that, but it is what it comes down to in the end. The longer you allow him to stay, the more difficult it will be.

Thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

vaya

Thank you Greeteachday. This is very helpful. I have to let go of thinking I can get through to him. I hate to see him go back to the streets but I have made offers, given him numbers, encouraged him to stay in rehab so he'd have a roof over his head, at the least, and more.

I know getting angry at him isn't right either.

katie44

How easy it is too fall back in to the insanity. My heart goes out too you, it is so difficult mostly when it is one of your children. There's that parental instinct to protect them and cushion there fall. You have given him offers and he's refused. You gave him temporary shelter, that was it temporary. When I read your posting it truly pulled at my heart. My AS is 27 yrs old still using.We took him in temporarily and I found myself sliding backwards. Checking pockets , standing outside the bathroom door, it was totally insane . I was becoming just as sick as him. I am back to naranon & seeing a counsellor . I can tell you it has helped immensely. I'm so sorry you are going through this, my prayers are with you & your son.

chicory

Vaya, I am so sorry that this is happening. I wonder are you going to Naranon or seeing a counselor? Its good to have support and an outlet, when you are in such a crazymaking situation.

As katie44 mentioned becoming just as sick as her son, that is a bad place to be, mentally. I remember getting to the point, with my son, where I had to do something or I would just lose my mind, and I moved away, leaving him to be thrown out by the landlord... I did not even tell him where I was moving to. It takes a lot of desperation for a parent to turn away, and give up ... but we just can't fix them. You love him, and have tried all the things which could help him.

I am so sorry. I know this is the hardest thing. But his life is in danger, if he is using and it sure looks as if he is.
I wish you strength and clarity of mind. the serenity prayer helps me so much at times like this... we just cannot change them.

hugs to you.
chicory

Ann

Those are wise words, Vaya. It is a standard form of manipulation by active addicts to deny the truth and try to make us prove it. And, the sad thing is,, even if you had opened the door and caught him with a needle in his arm, he still would have tried to make you think you were seeing things and it was not what it appeared to be.

It was a big step for me when I stopped searching my son's clothes, his room, his backpack, and stopped trying to "prove" what I already knew. It was then that I could turn my energy back to taking care of me.

What helped me with my son was to give him a list of shelters, detox's, AA and NA meetings, and social resources...they were the REAL help, if he wanted it. If he didn't it was his bad choice and his consequence.

Also, I stopped looking at it as "throwing him out". You (and I) had a boundary that was "you can stay but you must not use or be high in my home". When they crossed that boundary, it was "they" who made the choice to leave because leaving was the consequence for using in my/your home.

It's a very hard thing to do Vaya, but I promise you that letting him stay will not get him clean and it will make your home a war zone.

My prayers go out that you find the courage to do what you need to do to take good care of yourself.

Hugs

thequest

I've been to trying to find a way to basically tell the addict/alkie 'beggars cannot be chosers' without them blowing up. If they are doing things on somebody else's dime and/or in their house they have to respect the rules & habits of the host.

Beggars cannot be chosers. They don't want to hear it. But sometimes you have to keep those boundaries clearly defined.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Vaya, this was my life when JJ relapsed and was at home. I hated him and I hated myself. I was constantly checking the bathroom, searching JJ's room and then begging him to stop. Finally he had a meth induced mania that caused me to force him into detox (last May) and told him he was not allowed to return to the house. I have kept this boundary, and as you know, JJ is homeless and penniless and currently in detox to go to Salvation Army as that is really all I can offer to him. I encourage you to love your son from a distance. Addicts care NOTHING for a helping hand. You know what you know. Sending prayers that you find the strength to remove him from your home and let him figure out what he should do. It is very very hard to live with active addiction.

AnvilheadII

you let him come home after getting kicked out of REHAB for using, surely you can't be THAT surprised? you already KNOW what's going on, you don't need a test...you don't need to add more drama, just tell him he has until 6pm to clear out.

WHERE HE GOES is up to him. not you. quite trying to orchestrate and control everything.....how he will react, what type of SCENE there will be, or even if he will "wake up and snap out of it". being mean and nasty to him does no one any good, he is who he is.....period.

let him GO....let him find another solution besides mom.

hopeful4

Honey, it's your house. You don't HAVE to prove anything. He is clearly using. They will lie, lie, deny all they can. You are giving him info. It's his choice if he is too anxious to put a roof over his own head. No wonder you are frustrated!

I am sorry. I cannot imagine. Tight, tight hugs to you.

vaya

Thank you. For those of you who asked, yes I do go to a regular group of Families Anonymous about 1 a week or so. Sometimes I go to Al anon. Didn't see any Naranon groups my way. Missed my group this week because of his suicide threats. Maybe I'll try to call someone if I can.

I made it clear, again, yesterday what the boundaries were an that whether or not he stayed was a matter of his choices and respect for those boundaries. I told him that if I was him and knew a living situation was temporary and based on certain conditions that I would be spending every waking minute on finding a place and getting things in motion. I also told him that I would stay in a rehab, even if mainly to have a roof over my head, even if I didn't like the place. But, that's not the case here. He loves his drug more than anything at this point.

He is downtown taking care of business with welfare office. I suggested he go to Mental Health, where he's been seeing someone and to complete the housing applications process he started and to text me when he's done.

I don't dare text him the fact that he has to go at this point. would rather tell him in person.

I might get a money order for $19 so he can see about a bed tonight at one of the places here. It's the weekend so not too many options. Even shelter sleep requires one to arrive there early in AM. I would to this just to make it a smoother transition and avoid the drama.

I had hoped to wait until Monday, so he could pursue more options, but I don't see how I can. My younger son found a needle in the bathroom and just texted me. I have to act today.I pray for the strength to do so. I have to for my younger son to let him know I won't subject him to this again as well as to make a statement about what I'm willing to tolerate in my home.

GardenMama

Dear Vaya, I know how very hard this is. One thing that helped me get stronger about sticking with a boundary like this was to consider the whole family, not just one member of the family. Your younger son is innocent in all of this and has lived through more than his fair share (as I know my younger daughter has), so when the time came to tell my RAD that she had to go, I kept my mind on my youngest and on my husband (who is not their father). Thinking of them also helped me in my weak moments when I felt myself wanting to ease up on the boundary/date, especially when my RAD uses "FOG" so brilliantly.

You have been a great support and paid a great price many times due to his disease, and you cannot take anymore. We reach our limits and must respect our limits, too. I will be thinking of you today. He will do what he will do, and you don't have to watch anymore.

Take care!

AnvilheadII

I told him that if I was him and knew a living situation was temporary and based on certain conditions that I would be spending every waking minute on finding a place and getting things in motion. I also told him that I would stay in a rehab, even if mainly to have a roof over my head, even if I didn't like the place.

but see hon, you aren't him, he isn't you. you don't come from the same place, inside. since he's "downtown" supposedly at appointments, you can also easily guess what else he might be up to.....you know how absolute verifiable proof that he has been using in your home. what a lousy thing for the other son to find.

here you are worried about giving him money to find a bed.....gee, i wonder where he got the $$ for dope? you still see him as helpless or IN NEED of help, YOUR help....and are failing to see just how self sufficient he really is, it just depends on what motivates him.

allmirages

Anvilhead, your statement is so very on point. This was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. All my "help" was really enabling and my x just spiraled further and further into his addiction. I was essentially "helping him get more sick" by not letting him suffer the consequences of his actions and not letting him fall. I think it's human nature to want to "save" or help another human being, especially when it is your family. But once you are in a situation where there is addiction, you just cannot "save or help" someone in addictive addiction by doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.

Vaya - I feel for you, I really do. Please enforce your boundaries. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you, but please pull from the strength of the other Moms here that have posted. Hugs to you!

vaya

You all have excellent points. I'm not sure why I'm waiting, I guess so he has the option of staying somewhere else, since there are very few available on weekends. He'll be downtown again on Monday and will follow through on housing applications. it's easier while he's there to offer to give him $19 for a night. Then he can figure it out from there.

I absolutely am keeping my younger son in mind. I'm just trying to decide at this point between the weekend and Monday. I'm thinking that I would enforce him having to leave the house when I do and he could only sleep here, but not otherwise hang out here for the weekend.

I'm wrestling with whether to tell him in advance and give him a couple days notice or whether to just tell him to go.

I do know I can't save him. I know he doesn't want to stop using. I do absolutely know I don't want a life with this kind of insanity any more.I absolutely do not want to do this to my younger son.

I really need help with how to do it, in terms of timing, this weekend or Monday. Maybe I feel the need to be 'considerate' for some crazy reason, and since it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

Anvil, I appreciate your candor. I remember when I first came here I was so turned off by your bottom line approach because I wasn't ready to hear it. Since then I have found a group and support and have developed the courage to make my son leave 9 months ago and never come back. I wish the rehab didn't have weekend visits. I didn't know how to handle it, but figured I'd give it a chance since he had been there 2 months. I feel like if I never crossed that threshold again I wouldn't have opened my home to him after his having to leave. I fell for his suicide threats, which were quite possible if he used after 2 months clean. But I am sticking to my decision to tell him to go. I have had enough.

JOIE12

Thanks Anvilhead ... well said

vaya ... I worry about your other son. He doesn't have a choice in all of this.

Sending hugs during this difficult time. Please let us know how you are doing today.

vaya

I am at work today but will handle this when I get off. I was going to wait until Monday so I could drop him at shelter, but this is tearing up my younger son and AS will have to leave sooner. It's supposed to rain, but he'll have to deal with it. I MAY consider letting him sleep only in car 1 night if it rains or else he can do what he did before.
My younger son is suffering. That does matter more than making it comfortable for my AS and I will ask AS to leave today. Thank you all for helping me come to my senses and handle what I already know must be done.

vaya

AS just called in a panic-blacked out and lost his skateboard.Doesn't remember where he was or who he was with. had taken some Xanax. is really out of it. I'm worried about sending him out like this. Last time he lost everything, wallet, phone, etc....I know it's a consequence, but it's really tough. Might let him stay in car. It's cold out, nowhere to go at this time. I've told him it's not working out and that this is temporary and that its too hard for me to go through this. He is distraught, possibly suicidal. I hope I can get him to to go hospital. I'm so worried. I know these are his choices, but I'd like to let him sleep it off and stay safe for the night, then go in the morning. Help,help.....there's no easy way.

INgal

Gaya, I'm just sending you love and prayers and wisdom. It is so very difficult and unfair.

chicory

Vaya,
do you think you should call 911? He seems to be spiraling out of control.

my heart goes out to you, Vaya. This is the hardest stuff ever.