How to get AS to leave since he appears to be using again
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You have done the right thing, Vaya, and yet we know how hard it is to do what you did. You will figure out what to do about your younger son soon enough. I hope you can get some good rest and gather your strength for when he comes knocking again. It gets easier. Take good care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you for all your support. We're not quite out of water yet. Today didn't go through. There was a mixup with the bed in detox. He definitely has a bed tomorrow morning early.
Gave more thought to sober living...was considering paying more for one he would like more...& sounded good, but may opt for the one that is a little less and will take General Relief to pay for beds. That would be kinder to my finances, which are quite strained as of late.
I know I am doing the right thing. I may have to get him into the best compromise sober living that has an opening and isn't too much. I think he needs rehab, but that may take too long. Whatever it takes to get him on his own and hopefully help him grow up. Thanks for your continued support.
Gave more thought to sober living...was considering paying more for one he would like more...& sounded good, but may opt for the one that is a little less and will take General Relief to pay for beds. That would be kinder to my finances, which are quite strained as of late.
I know I am doing the right thing. I may have to get him into the best compromise sober living that has an opening and isn't too much. I think he needs rehab, but that may take too long. Whatever it takes to get him on his own and hopefully help him grow up. Thanks for your continued support.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Vaya, I made the mistake of knee jerk paying for sober living when JJ's relapse in January left him homeless. He didn't stay more than the 10 days and couldn't come up with the pro-rated amount in Feb. THEN he went really overboard on the streets and finally asked for detox with an immediate bed available from SA (though we could have also gone to a less strict program which my insurance covered. ) Hopefully the detox have social workers who can start the ball rolling while your son detoxes. He sounds like he needs a support system with some structure versus the less structured sober living alternatives. Sending prayers he is in safe and sound for today.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
The detox will help him with rehab and other options, many which will be free. I encouraged him to take advantage of what was available. I didn't ensure or encourage the sober living too much. Told him to work with the people there to get what he could and wanted.
I probably shouldnt' have offered sober living, but it's not a done deal. I really want him to participate in choosing what he wants and can get for himself and try to stay out of the way. I had offered sober living just to get him out of my house. Suggested he take advantage of rehab, whether or not he stays the whole time, at least to think about things, get help, and then figure out what he wants to do.
I did tell him my home is not an option. I do wish I hadn't offered sober living as a possibility and made him take what he can get there, but fit doesn't do any good to force him one way or another. If I do provide a cheap sober living, he'll have to get a job and if he does, has a chance at getting a low income apt.
However, none of this will solve the real problem, which is his addiction. I guess I just wanted to 'let him down' gently and pray he could finally get his own spot and not have to bother me.
Fact is, he does need rehab and I may not provide the sober living option unless he does take advantage of rehab. however, I know it won't do any good if he doesn't want it, but it will at least keep him alive and give him a better chance of recovering. He does need a structured support system, which I did tell him. Just figured he'd have that with sober living too .
I probably shouldnt' have offered sober living, but it's not a done deal. I really want him to participate in choosing what he wants and can get for himself and try to stay out of the way. I had offered sober living just to get him out of my house. Suggested he take advantage of rehab, whether or not he stays the whole time, at least to think about things, get help, and then figure out what he wants to do.
I did tell him my home is not an option. I do wish I hadn't offered sober living as a possibility and made him take what he can get there, but fit doesn't do any good to force him one way or another. If I do provide a cheap sober living, he'll have to get a job and if he does, has a chance at getting a low income apt.
However, none of this will solve the real problem, which is his addiction. I guess I just wanted to 'let him down' gently and pray he could finally get his own spot and not have to bother me.
Fact is, he does need rehab and I may not provide the sober living option unless he does take advantage of rehab. however, I know it won't do any good if he doesn't want it, but it will at least keep him alive and give him a better chance of recovering. He does need a structured support system, which I did tell him. Just figured he'd have that with sober living too .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you ladies. I can't believe I worry about feeling like I'm tricking him or being too hard, if I go back on my offer of sober living. I did tell him that rehab would be better, even if for a bit. Nothing is set in stone yet. He changes his mind whenever he feels like it, regardless of the affect or cost on anyone else, and here I am trying to be fair and not press him! However, this is a matter of saving his life.
Fact is, I've spent quite a lot trying to help him and don't feel like wasting my money. He has done a total of 4 months, with 2 months at a time in the last 5-6 months in rehab, but has a hard time making it past that 2 month mark. He knows he can't come home. I'm adamant about that. There's no guarantee a sober will have an opening, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I do believe rehab is what he needs. There's no harm is waiting on the sober living.
Fact is, I've spent quite a lot trying to help him and don't feel like wasting my money. He has done a total of 4 months, with 2 months at a time in the last 5-6 months in rehab, but has a hard time making it past that 2 month mark. He knows he can't come home. I'm adamant about that. There's no guarantee a sober will have an opening, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I do believe rehab is what he needs. There's no harm is waiting on the sober living.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I'm having the same guilt, conscience & other issues with my husband, who appears to have relapsed & refuses to admit to it.
I feel like I, too, have wasted incredible amounts of money & resources to make sure he had everything he needed to stay clean & sober, & I resent him immensely for abusing that trust & love while I should have been using those resources to care for our 5mo old.
Hugs. I don't think I'll be able to get my H to leave, as there are no rehab facilities near us & the divorce paperwork I sent in hasn't been logged at the courthouse yet.
Keep us posted on how it turns out. it must be so hard...
I feel like I, too, have wasted incredible amounts of money & resources to make sure he had everything he needed to stay clean & sober, & I resent him immensely for abusing that trust & love while I should have been using those resources to care for our 5mo old.
Hugs. I don't think I'll be able to get my H to leave, as there are no rehab facilities near us & the divorce paperwork I sent in hasn't been logged at the courthouse yet.
Keep us posted on how it turns out. it must be so hard...
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by vaya 
Thank you ladies. I can't believe I worry about feeling like I'm tricking him or being too hard, if I go back on my offer of sober living. I did tell him that rehab would be better, even if for a bit. Nothing is set in stone yet. He changes his mind whenever he feels like it, regardless of the affect or cost on anyone else, and here I am trying to be fair and not press him! However, this is a matter of saving his life.
Fact is, I've spent quite a lot trying to help him and don't feel like wasting my money. He has done a total of 4 months, with 2 months at a time in the last 5-6 months in rehab, but has a hard time making it past that 2 month mark. He knows he can't come home. I'm adamant about that. There's no guarantee a sober will have an opening, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I do believe rehab is what he needs. There's no harm is waiting on the sober living.
Fact is, I've spent quite a lot trying to help him and don't feel like wasting my money. He has done a total of 4 months, with 2 months at a time in the last 5-6 months in rehab, but has a hard time making it past that 2 month mark. He knows he can't come home. I'm adamant about that. There's no guarantee a sober will have an opening, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I do believe rehab is what he needs. There's no harm is waiting on the sober living.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Some of the sober livings I have called require 300days sober. Depending on what becomes available, I could say that is what the one's called required. He left me a voice mail today from the detox facility asking about the sober livings and that the counselors there are working on placement after detox. he said they were looking into sober livings.I was a little surprised they were looking at options just a four
days since he got in/
I can't control what he chooses or what they decide to do. if they can place him in sober iiving at the county's expense, fine. I really can't make him or them decide what to do, other than perhaps by not paying for a sober living.
I do know of one that comes highly recommended and people I know, know the place. I won't know if they have an opening until Monday. I will just see how it goes after the weekend.
days since he got in/
I can't control what he chooses or what they decide to do. if they can place him in sober iiving at the county's expense, fine. I really can't make him or them decide what to do, other than perhaps by not paying for a sober living.
I do know of one that comes highly recommended and people I know, know the place. I won't know if they have an opening until Monday. I will just see how it goes after the weekend.
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