weakening... need advice
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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weakening... need advice
AH husband has decided to become sober and is on suboxone. he has also discovered that his uncle (who raised him, and was very good to him throughout his addiction. they are very close) is terminally ill. now he is on his second day of dealing with withdrawals and his uncle's situation at the same time. he is feeling extremely depressed, guilt and sad.
i left him when he relapsed (i left town and am staying with friends) and ended all contact with him soon after. recently i have begun emailing him when he emailed me saying he wanted to get sober. perhaps being too much of a co-dependent, i said i was proud that he wanted to get sober and told him i loved him. he is still under the impression that i will get together with him once he is sober, because i haven't said anything otherwise.
today he's been asking me to give him a call, just for us to talk because he feels so bad about his uncle and also because he misses me. i am not ready to answer his questions, i don't know how to tell him that i don't want to get back together. i don't want to kick him while he is down, but at the same time, I want him to know that I don't want to get back together with him. I don't think i will be able to trust him ever again.
There is also the issue of myself. Having counted on this relationship for so long, I feel this void when i think of the future. i feel sentimental and sad, and the idea of leaving this relationship makes me feel very lonely. i now have to let go of a lot of dreams and hopes that i had for both of us together.
both these things (his own sorry state and my missing him) combined makes me want to talk to him. he is the best friend i have, and we have gone through a lot during our time together. i know it is a bad idea to call him - but in the low of the moment i am this close to picking up the phone (undoing any progress i have made recently). perhaps, in hindsight, emailing was also a bad idea as it has opened channels of communication which is now allowing him to make requests of me.
what is the best way to cease contact without hurting him further? we live in a small town and i can't be away forever. i need to go back to my life, although that life seems charmless now, without him. i must sound pathetic but that is truly the case after three years of pinning all my future plans on him. i spoke to my mother today (who says she would never ever approve of our relationship again), and she said i could quietly "wean myself off". but my partner is a persistent person. and at the moment, i am fairly weak.
common sense tells me i can never be happy in this relationship. we've been through too much, too many lies, too much suspicion, and pain. but my heart (weak old thing) is struggling to find peace in this new limbo stage.
sorry for rambling. i could really do with some advice.
i left him when he relapsed (i left town and am staying with friends) and ended all contact with him soon after. recently i have begun emailing him when he emailed me saying he wanted to get sober. perhaps being too much of a co-dependent, i said i was proud that he wanted to get sober and told him i loved him. he is still under the impression that i will get together with him once he is sober, because i haven't said anything otherwise.
today he's been asking me to give him a call, just for us to talk because he feels so bad about his uncle and also because he misses me. i am not ready to answer his questions, i don't know how to tell him that i don't want to get back together. i don't want to kick him while he is down, but at the same time, I want him to know that I don't want to get back together with him. I don't think i will be able to trust him ever again.
There is also the issue of myself. Having counted on this relationship for so long, I feel this void when i think of the future. i feel sentimental and sad, and the idea of leaving this relationship makes me feel very lonely. i now have to let go of a lot of dreams and hopes that i had for both of us together.
both these things (his own sorry state and my missing him) combined makes me want to talk to him. he is the best friend i have, and we have gone through a lot during our time together. i know it is a bad idea to call him - but in the low of the moment i am this close to picking up the phone (undoing any progress i have made recently). perhaps, in hindsight, emailing was also a bad idea as it has opened channels of communication which is now allowing him to make requests of me.
what is the best way to cease contact without hurting him further? we live in a small town and i can't be away forever. i need to go back to my life, although that life seems charmless now, without him. i must sound pathetic but that is truly the case after three years of pinning all my future plans on him. i spoke to my mother today (who says she would never ever approve of our relationship again), and she said i could quietly "wean myself off". but my partner is a persistent person. and at the moment, i am fairly weak.
common sense tells me i can never be happy in this relationship. we've been through too much, too many lies, too much suspicion, and pain. but my heart (weak old thing) is struggling to find peace in this new limbo stage.
sorry for rambling. i could really do with some advice.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Having counted on this relationship for so long, I feel this void when i think of the future. i feel sentimental and sad, and the idea of leaving this relationship makes me feel very lonely. i now have to let go of a lot of dreams and hopes that i had for both of us together.
What will happen, over time, is you'll learn how to live with that wound. You'll assimilate it, make it part of you, and go on with your life. He's always going to be a part of you, for good, bad, or indifferent.
In my own life, tartel, I've had a lot of trauma over the past 5 years. Then a few years ago, I picked up a book by Neil Peart, the drummer and lyricist for Rush, called Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. In a 10 month period, Peart lost his daughter in a car accident, and his common law wife to cancer. So he took off on a motorcycle trip that lasted 56,000 miles and 2 years to try to sort things out. He got remarried and now has a 6 year old daughter. But what does he have to say about that period of his life:
The scars remain tender. Never, ever healed, but only lightly scabbed over. Time does not heal all wounds, but only allows us to adapt, if we can, to a life that is forever altered. Some wounds are like physical disabilities that will never heal, but can only be compensated for, adapted to.
As for this:
what is the best way to cease contact without hurting him further?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Tartel,
I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation and it's so hard to let go. I miss having my husband around but I know I could never, ever trust him again with all that he has done to destroy our marriage. Some days are better than others. Stay strong. Sending prayers your way!
I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation and it's so hard to let go. I miss having my husband around but I know I could never, ever trust him again with all that he has done to destroy our marriage. Some days are better than others. Stay strong. Sending prayers your way!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 32
zoso - i was hoping you would reply.
i think part of being with an addict is often an overwhelming amount of optimism created every time they get sober. because you go through so much during the relapse that any signs of recovery are celebrated so much. plans are drawn (each time), castles are built in the sky. i spent the last three years trying to convince him that the future we build together would be worth the efforts of sobriety. in convincing him, i ended up believing in it too, and now i am a victim of those plans.
so when i came to this point of leaving him, they are what are haunting me the most: those unlived phantom lives that we (or perhaps i) planned down to an inch.
now to quietly dismantle them and put them aside. in the meantime there are bills and rent to pay, work to find, things to work on.
im reading about peart now. oh boy - and to think we have it hard.
i think part of being with an addict is often an overwhelming amount of optimism created every time they get sober. because you go through so much during the relapse that any signs of recovery are celebrated so much. plans are drawn (each time), castles are built in the sky. i spent the last three years trying to convince him that the future we build together would be worth the efforts of sobriety. in convincing him, i ended up believing in it too, and now i am a victim of those plans.
so when i came to this point of leaving him, they are what are haunting me the most: those unlived phantom lives that we (or perhaps i) planned down to an inch.
now to quietly dismantle them and put them aside. in the meantime there are bills and rent to pay, work to find, things to work on.
im reading about peart now. oh boy - and to think we have it hard.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 32
fate -
it is very true that some days are better than others. i've had days where there is a lot of clarity and strength. other days i am a blubbery, sentimental mess.
it helps to know there are others in the same situation. ditto about staying strong - sending lots of love your way.
it is very true that some days are better than others. i've had days where there is a lot of clarity and strength. other days i am a blubbery, sentimental mess.
it helps to know there are others in the same situation. ditto about staying strong - sending lots of love your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 32
fate -
it is very true that some days are better than others. i've had days where there is a lot of clarity and strength. other days i am a blubbery, sentimental mess.
it helps to know there are others in the same situation. ditto about staying strong - sending lots of love your way.
it is very true that some days are better than others. i've had days where there is a lot of clarity and strength. other days i am a blubbery, sentimental mess.
it helps to know there are others in the same situation. ditto about staying strong - sending lots of love your way.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
im reading about peart now. oh boy - and to think we have it hard.
And I think he's right. There are some wounds that won't heal. All we can do is adapt to them and push forward.
Another point of reference: Meryl Streep when she lost her boyfriend John Cazale. Cazale played Fredo Corleone in The Godfather and was diagnosed with terminal cancer some time in 1977. He died after wrapping up work on The Deer Hunter in early 1978. Look up Streep's comments on his death.
Obviously, your AH has not died. But what you're contemplating is permanently removing someone from your life. Which, to be honest, is going to suck. And my point is you can survive it. You won't like it...in fact, you'll hate it...but you can get through it.
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