vaya

My AS had to leave rehab today after 73 days clean. He tested dirty. The signs were there but I kept trying to encourage him to stick with it and stay. he knows he can't come back and live with me and was in the process of looking for housing. He is willing to go to a sober living because he wants to work.

I don't know for sure if he used or what, but he is so depressed and talking about ending it. I may let him stay with me just tonight so I can make sure he goes to his mental health apt tomorrow. I know he'll go to see about his General Relief money.

I told him I might let him stay in the car, but I'm so scared and don't want to lose him forever. I know many addicts threaten suicide to get attention or tug at heart strings, but the fact is, he is clean and sober for a while and could easily overdose.

Problem is, I haven't told his younger brother (age 23) yet, who does live with me and just got back from a trip to Australia. I prefer his brother not even know about the rehab. My AS doesn't know his brother lives with me, but suspects as much. That too can create much turmoil.

Should I tell younger brother so he doesn't have to deal with AS tonight, clean or not?

I could let AS stay in my car, but feel like I need to keep an eye on him tonight. If I say just for tonight, I will have to stick to it.

A lot depends on if he uses or not and what direction he goes.

Regardless of how we're supposed to detach and show tough love, I don't feel safe for him tonight.

Please...help with any thoughts/suggestions/experience/strength and hope.

auroraxborealis

I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry to hear that. I know you've posted about your worries and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Muunray

honestly- I would let him stay the night

Ann

Vaya, whatever you decide to do, please don't let keeping secrets or lying for him be part of it. There is no shame in going to rehab, it's an indication that someone admits they have a problem and are doing something about it.

"We" are not their only options, perhaps make a list of Salvation Army shelters and rehabs (they are free and very good) and know that he does have choices.

If you do let him come home, perhaps set boundaries that you are prepared to keep, such as "If you use in my home or bring drugs here, you will have to leave immediately".

It's so hard, Vaya, my heart breaks for you. The biggest struggle any mama has to make is to let go of what is not ours to control.

Hugs and prayers going out for you.

GardenMama

Vaya, sending you a big hug and lots of clarity. I agree with everything Ann suggested. No secrets--they are too hard to manage, not to mention unhealthy for everyone involved. And of course you are scared for him, of course you don't want to put him out. It's okay. Just make a clear boundary and stick to it. I had to do the same very recently and my daughter was enraged, but she found housing and even extra services as a result. If he keeps talking suicide, call the police. You can't take a chance with that and he will learn that you take his words seriously. You are doing the best you can in a terrible situation, Vaya. We are here at your side, remember that!

hopeful4

Honey my heart just hurts for you. I cannot imagine.

I agree, secrets are terrible. You need to be open and honest, it will give you some sanity about it all, I promise.

Tight, tight hugs.

AnvilheadII

please don't forget that he was savvy enough to find a way to use while IN rehab....in the place best suited to HELP HIM not use. he knew the consequences. he could have spoken to a counselor about cravings and urges, or even that he knew there was a way to get his hands on dope while in the center. but that was not the choice he made.....sober and IN rehab he chose drugs.

i'm not sure why you think you need to keep secrets. they only keep us sick. they only perpetuate the dysfunction throughout the family. i see you as still trying to control the situation every way you can...

if you feel he is a threat to himself, call 911. if you do not, or did not, let him sleep in your CAR, i imagine he would find somewhere else. if the mental health appointment is a priority for him, he will get there. he has resources....he found a way to do drugs in rehab....surely he can figure out a place to sleep and how to get to an appointment all on his own. he's not 15. he's a war veteran in addict speak.

zoso77

Vaya,

It goes deeper than that. It's one of their trump cards. When they play it, the subject is automatically changed. It takes attention away from their choices. So when an addict doesn't want to pay the price for their choices, that's when they play the card. It is brazenly transparent.

Unfortunately, it's also something that needs to be taken seriously.

What we feel when they play that card is horror. We go from being angry/disappointed with their choices to "oh, my God...please don't do this."

The best way to deal with it, should your AS ever pull this, is to call 911 and have the police intervene.

Sorry you're going through this.

vaya

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I do wish I could just fix everything and get him right back in somewhere and keep on recovery. It's sort of a knee jerk reaction. I'm really heartbroken, although I knew it could happen. When he said he was just staying 1 more month just for me, I saw the signs. You are right. I can't babysit him. In fact, he got mad about that today because I brought him downtown to take care of appts.I guess I was judging him about how serious he was about getting some help on his own as an indicator of how much I should bother or if I should let him stay with me. I have explained some to m younger son, but only after a very awkward moment cuz I didn't tell all. I didn't want to break his heart. I have to learn to stop trying to protect everyone and control the outcomes. I hate this disease! I feel my AS may spiral down further. If he used heroin, there's only a short window of time before he's fully entrenched and running from withdrawals. I was hoping and feeling like I could keep him clean enough to qualify for help. The fact is I can't control much of anything except what happens or I allow to happen in my home or what I'm willing to tolerate or deal with. He will have to come to terms with what he wants and how to get help and housing if he wants it. I have given him resources and will help him in his efforts to be and stay clean. Pray for me to be strong and to detach with love, because I have been pretty angry which only makes him feel like crap.

Twofour

Prayers to you. It is so scary my AS has decided he doesn't need anyone's help staying sober. So I'm sure he will be right back and I will be having toask him to leave. Please find a meeting or a counselor. Both have helped me a great deal. Know people care

Freedom1990

And what a struggle it has been for me over the years.

Vaya, I understand your fears. I have had those same fears myself.

Despite my best efforts (including taking her in more than once), my 37-year-old's addictions continue to progress.

I'm not any sort of option for her anymore.

Please know I am sending you lots of mama hugs on blustery Kansas winds tonight!

Ann

Wise words, Vaya. This was a difficult process for me until I understood that I am just not that powerful and this is not mine to protect. Straight out honesty with everyone really took a load off my back.

Ileana

In my experience, it's never just one night. Be careful that you are "one-nighted" back into an enabling situation. And remember to take care of yourself.