Winter145

First time poster. Thank you all for the excellent resources. I am now working hard to understand my co-dependency with pot addicted wife over now 6 years of solid addiction. I was on my way to leaving and then she got to me with one more chance. She did rehab for three weeks, but then her mother died and she went back old ways. Basically, she wants another chance (with no promises that she won't use, only that she will get a passion). She argues that the stress of her life over the last year in a half is the cause of her using, but now with the chaos reduced she will be OK. Because I love her I am Ok with that "second" (really I've lost count but now we are talking about them) chance, but I am looking for her actions and not trying to fix her like I have for so many times. I cannot make her life calm as she would want, that feels like enabling.

I am also looking for strength in my own search for achieving my happiness. There have been so many problems, no need to review them here, but I just want help and needed to say something because I am so alone here. I am working on my paperwork to leave still despite go through a "second chance". thanks for listening

zoso77

Winter...

Welcome to the Board. You've come to a really, really good place, and I'm thankful that you've been taking advantage of what we have to offer in terms of resources.

Sunday nights here are typically quite slow. Members will respond to your post over the next day. So be patient, and hopefully what I share with you will hold you over until then.

Really? You know...two years ago, I was working full time while taking two courses to finish my MS in electrical engineering. I was, to put it mildly, pretty stressed out. And I've got a nice scotch collection...that I didn't hit at all during that time.

My point is someone in active addiction will use any and all excuses to justify what they do. Your AW is no different. What was her rationale for using for the other 5 years?

We all get stressed for various reasons. But there are other, more constructive ways to deal with it. She's chosen not to. You know this to be true because you've seen it with your own eyes.

For the most part, winter, we're not marriage counselors. What we try to do is provide enough information to a member, plus our ES&H, such that a member can make better, healthier decisions for themselves. And we can do that for you. Stick around. Read some more. Get in touch with your morals and values and what's important to you. And when you're ready, you can address what's going on with your AW.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Winter145

Thanks for the reply. You bring up my point that's have made over and over. I did not hit the bottle or the weed but I think in my case now I am realising that enabling is in a similar category. When you have kids you get desperate to do what you think is right to stop the yelling and push the glassy eyes away. I focused a lot on trying to fix her, with new homes, support to go to retreats, and just being the person to fallsleep with the kids at 7 pm while she went out and out and in search of things beyond contentment.

I know feel flu like sick waiting for her to show herself. I know now that I need to focus on my happiness and provide as an example for my kids and just stay with what feels safe even though with A around it is not. I just need to find strength to do what I need to when she falls off the wagon or bullies me with behaviours that supercharge my codependency. I guess I am certain she will fail and or dominate me with her quips and not permit me to say what I need..... anyway thanks for listening.

zoso77

Well, you found strength when you posted, Winter. That's a big step.

How many kids in the picture?

Winter145

Two great kids. They have suffered from having an abscent mum but they still are happy.

zoso77

With kids in the picture, that makes things both more complicated and more delicate.

When an addict asks for another chance, that often means they want us to accept them for who and what they do, and they have virtually no intentions of giving up drugs. I suspect you already know this. So the question then becomes what is in your best interests, and the best interests of your children.

The answer you arrive at is one you may not like...

chicory

Welcome Winter. We are glad to listen to you anytime. You can share here, vent and grieve , and even get a laugh or two to relieve your tension. I know you must have a good bit of that in your life.
I commend you on taking care of the childrens needs, in the absence of their mothers healthy focus...that's no easy task.

Keep posting. we understand.
hugs
chic

Firefall

Winter, welcome. I have found that they will say anything to keep life the way it is. I grew up in a home with drugs and alcohol. I smiled a lot, was a real comedian, but believe me, I was not happy.
It sounds like you are an amazing Dad. Your children are the real gift. Do what is best for them, because ultimately it will be what is best for you too.

Post often. We are here to help and encourage each other.

Winter145

Thank you all for the reply. It's early days since her return as she was away for nearly a month. She looks good but I am just waiting. I don't like the waiting game all that much so I am concentrating on the kids and exercise at bit. I don't know what to really do other than just be myself. I am not cleaning up triggers any more like clutter and seeing how that goes. It feels good to more aware of my codepence. I could never see it before but now it's so clear... I am done with talk and ready for action and hope she will focus on getting a passion besides smoking....

Firefall

The beginning of freedom and peace is the awareness. I went to an AlAnon group it opened more doors for me.