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AS Disgusts me

Old 02-20-2015, 04:39 AM
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AS Disgusts me

I could really use some advice, just having such difficulty understanding how AS could be so cruel & Nasty with his words. My son now is using meth, my spouse and I have detached from him. Life is much easier with out him coming around . AS has a girlfriend she is kind, beautiful & funny. My heart is breaking for her. When they first got in to the relationship he was clean & sober for quite a while . This past summer he relapsed. He lies to her all the time, has stolen from her. Keeps telling her he's going to rehab then the next week he hasn't a problem. His gf was in a bad accident 9 years ago. She is now in a wheel chair unable to walk. This courageous women never complains, she truly is an inspiration. He is a nasty piece of work told her all she does is lay in bed and order people around . If she is in her chair for more then 10 hrs she is in alot of pain. Yes she needs some help with certain things, although she is extremely independant . He lies to her constantly about his whereabouts . Last week he went in to the gas station with her Visa card to pay for her gas. When she got home she realized he out an extra 60.00 on her card . We have told her too seek counselling this relationship is toxic she can't change him. I am so tired of making excuse for him " he's an addict " he is a nasty, rude , thief ! Who uses people . This beautiful 27 year old women is on his roller coaster ride. I pray she moves on. She is codependent, she keeps looking at there past how wonderful it was . It is just so hard to watch him destroy another person breaks my heart. He says things like my other friends are fun unlike you who has to lay in bed at times . What kind of an evil person would speak that way ! Prior to his relapse he treated her like gold . We have told her to move on not an easy task when your codependent . She is worth so much more then to listen to his verbal crap.she already has some insecurities with this accident . Unfortunately she has confided her life to him, he gets drunk and throws it in her face . Yesterday he said he has better things to do than run errands for her lazy ass ! That would mean helping her do her groceries . She shares a home with her mother. We just love her dearly . She is returning to work as a 911 operator . How can we get her too see he is poison. The only good thing is she no longer gives him money, however she pays his insurance because she cosigned his vehicle and he is too irresponsible to pay his own bills . We have told her to stop paying however if she does and he lapses in any payments her credit will be destroyed . I can't believe how I feel about AS disgusted and ashamed if him . Why must they say such horrible things to people. I pray she moved on and goes for counselling .
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Old 02-20-2015, 04:47 AM
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wow, Katie, this is such a sad situation for all of you. Unfortunately, you can't make her do something she isn't motivated to do yet. It appears you have let her know that you support her leaving the relationship, so that is about all you can do.
Maybe gently guide her, if she comes to you with information, or shares her pain and sorrow. If she doesn't understand the concept of codependency, perhaps you can explain that to her. Codependent no more, by melody beatty has so much affirmation in it for those of us who are wrapped up in someone elses addiction, or for those who need to work on their own self respect, in order to have a good life.

I hope your son finds recovery. I am so sorry for this sorrow in your life.
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Old 02-20-2015, 09:00 AM
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Why must they say such horrible things to people.
Because their moral and ethical compass is disabled, and they have no inhibitions. When someone is living a life of self destructive indulgence, they don't give a damn how their actions and their words hurt people.

And this will continue unabated until she decides enough is enough. Perhaps she might be interested in our little community here at SR. Mention us offhandedly, almost casually, and maybe she'll run with the ball.

After that, there's nothing you can do. He's not going to change.
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Old 02-20-2015, 10:11 AM
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The substances aren't helping but unfortunately I'm afraid your AS had some existing character issues. I'm seeing similar behavior from family. The substances amplify many a problem including using self control and discipline to show respect. If not for hardcore use of substances he would be a much better individual but he already showed poor decision making or no impulse control by using them to excess.

Depends on relationship with girl friend but maybe try talking to her expressing your disgust with your AS might give her incentive to leave or change her responses. Delicate situation that must be navigated carefully for safety reasons.

PEACE
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Old 02-20-2015, 12:33 PM
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Dearest Katie, My son destroyed his last relationship and his beautiful girlfriend was left in tears to pick up the pieces. She was in denial for the entire relationship but finally she found the courage to stop the madness. I think your son's girlfriend has to find that place on her own. I so understand the disgust and shame of the actions our addicts do to others we care about.
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Old 02-20-2015, 01:19 PM
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I agree that it's a terrible thing to do, especially to someone who has medical disabilities. I am glad she lives with her mother and hope she asks him to hit the road soon.

Like Zoso, my thoughts were that maybe she would find some comfort and courage by coming here but I don't know how you feel about sharing your safe place.

My prayers go out for her, that she finds the courage to move forward without him.

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Old 02-27-2015, 04:26 AM
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I went too see the counsellor last week and AS girlfriend asked if she could come. I think it was a bit of a reality check for her. Counsellor told her he was a predator, a user and looks for weak links . This counsellor is 18 years in recovery. When she asked him does AS love her ? The counsellor replied no, he is incapable of love right now. He explained how the addicts brain works to her. On the way home she said it was like he was talking about AS personally . She has set up her own counselling, I am so glad. She is beginning the road to recovery . What she does from here is her own choice. AS has been calling us and texting us constantly . My husband will not answer him, he's truly had enough. I talked to him on Monday I could barely look at him, it truly broke my heart. He looks so sick a shell of a person. I told him I was done , don't call us, stop texting, don't show up at the house or I would call the police . I told him when he was in a program to give us a call. I don't think that will happen for a long time . I see no other way anymore. I can not allow myself to be pulled in to his chaotic world. My heart is so broken, but I realize there's not a thing I can do. I am powerless over his addiction and life .
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Old 02-27-2015, 05:51 AM
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(((Katie))) I know how hard that was. The sad truth is that they use or don't use regardless of whether we stay in contact or not, and "not" is often the only way to prevent going down with them. Love cannot save them, if it could we would not be here.

Prayers out for you and your family.

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Old 02-27-2015, 06:40 AM
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Katie, I'm glad his GF came with you to the counselor!
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Old 02-27-2015, 06:49 AM
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Hope he gets clean

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Old 02-27-2015, 12:46 PM
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Oh Katie, how heartbreaking. My heart just hurts for you, and for her.

She will have to come to her own place eventually. Have you tried to encourage her to go to Naranon or Celebrate Recovery? Those places would really help her!

Tight, tight hugs.
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Old 03-01-2015, 04:42 AM
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Friday was a horrible day. AS called work constantly. We are self employed and have others in the office . I kept hanging up and he'd call back. He wanted our mail box key at our home to check the mail. Supposedly he was waiting on a cheque more stories .i told him no, he then proceeded to say he was going to drive to our work place embarrass us and make a scene . I told him if he did I would call the police ! Well that did it he went off the wall sending messages . He said horrible things ! We were scum, we owe him money ? He claimed we owe him for working for us , he hasn't of course too lazy . I know he's playing emotional black mail, I know I should not have taken his calls. He told me we had until Monday to get his money or he was going to cause us hardship with our business and see us homeless . We are a small business, due to the economy we have been struggling . Sad thing is he's off the wall ! I don't doubt for a minute he would try to cause problems . He is delusional, lies constantly . He said either we give him money or he will go to our competitors one by one. He would also cause problems for us personally ? Then Friday afternoon the suicide calls started I just hung up on him . I come home Friday nite check my email we lost one of our major customers . They have decided to go with another company . Odd thing is 3 weeks ago As left a message he said we should be careful regarding this customer he heard through the grapevine they were not happy with our service he laughed and hung up. I brushed it off as another one of his lies. I am sick to my stomach over all of this perhaps this in only a coinsedence. However he has threatened our livelihood . I suppose it's so I break down and give him money wich I will not . The counsellor said he's going to do what he's going to do tell him to get lost. I am so stressed I'm double checking the locks on the house, worried about my vehicle in the driveway ( a few years ago he kicked in the side of it with steel toe construction boots ) I know he wants us to feel fear right now like he's calling the shots . Never in a million years did I think I would have a son that would blackmail us . I know it's the addiction, but he truly makes me sick. I just wish he would go away, when I finally think he has he's back again . He looks like this innocent 27 year old or did a few weeks ago. He is a con through and through I have heard of other addicts doing things like this I'm still in shock. All he sees is we through him out left him homeless. He's not homeless driving around in a 2012 vehicle that his gf pays for and scamming people out of money. At this point the best thing would be incarceration . His new drug of choice meth , he was a crack user for many years . I'm sick to my stomach over his threats .
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Old 03-01-2015, 06:31 AM
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He told me we had until Monday to get his money or he was going to cause us hardship with our business and see us homeless .
Katie, that's a very bad thread, I would call the police. You've read the stories in the newspapers...family member goes crazy and ___(fill in the blank).

I would also have home security installed.

Please step back and look at this through the eyes of someone who is not buried in the chaos. His mind is not "right", he is on drugs or desperate for them and he is making very serious threats...and very well may carry them out.

You know my heart hurts for you, I have been where you are and there is no way to stay connected without hurting ourselves badly.

I am so sorry this is happening in your life, I truly do know your pain. Please detach and stay safe.

Hug
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Old 03-01-2015, 08:06 AM
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He told me we had until Monday to get his money or he was going to cause us hardship with our business and see us homeless .
Oh, really.

This implies he's got enough discipline and control to suddenly turn into Frank Underwood/JR Ewing/Michael Corleone so he can implement his dastardly plans. When someone is in the depths of meth addiction, I doubt that person's ability to go all Machiavelli very much. They're too busy destroying themselves.

I agree with Ann, however, when she speaks about your personal safety. I would be concerned about that.

It is time, in my view, that you took the gloves off. A threat has been made, so you need to respond accordingly. The locks should be changed immediately. A security system should be installed. And you need to speak to the police.

I know he's your son, and I know that this breaks your heart. But you have to set those feelings aside and do what is necessary and proper to protect yourself.
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Old 03-01-2015, 08:49 AM
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Oh, Katie, my heart goes out to you. There is nothing worse and I hope and pray you will be able to move in from this and that your son will find what he needs.
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Old 03-01-2015, 09:27 AM
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Katie, this is so terrible for you all.

I believe that I would rather see my son in jail than out trying to terrorize me for money for his desperate drug problem. If you have to call police, please I hope you won't feel too badly about it . I think I would be glad for the reason to put him there. At least he would be detoxing , I suppose, and safe from his choices for a while.
I am so sorry.
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:50 AM
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We changed all the locks last week, tomorrow alarm company is coming . We currently have a system however he removed the sensors in the summer to help his dad paint. Who knows where they are ? Spoke to the counsellor this morning , he said just ignore him. I am going to tell the police he is harassing us however hell deny it. Atleast there aware of it. I probably won't hear from him tomorrow over this supposed money we owe him. Next time he wants money though hell be right back at it had enough of his crap ! He truly thinks he's calling the shots! My husband is beyond disgusted. Has anyone else ever seen this type of behaviour ?
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:54 AM
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At this point it doesn't break my heart to put him in jail. I truly have had enough if him. At what point does the addict face consequences for there actions. So tired of making excuses for his behaviour because he's a drug addict .
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Old 03-01-2015, 11:51 AM
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Could you possibly get a harassment or domestic violence restraining order?
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Old 03-01-2015, 11:56 AM
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Katie, sadly this is not uncommon for an addict desperate for drugs...and even sadder is that some carry through with the threat.

Years ago my son asked me to have a joint bank account with him, one where we both would have to sign for money withdrawn. He was clean so I did it, he worked two weeks and banked responsibly. Then he used and "needed" that money. He came to my office screaming and raging and when I said I would not go with him to the bank, I honestly thought he would hit me even though he had never lifted a hand before. He was out of control. I called the police and they took him away for "disturbing the peace" which was only good for overnight and meanwhile I went to the bank and took my name off the account and never again agreed to be any part of his access to drugs or money, even if he begged me.

They don't face consequences until we stop blocking the process. And they don't even consider sobriety until the pain and consequences of using becomes greater than the urge to use.

I am glad you are securing your home and safety. Letting go is hard but hanging on is harder, this mama learned that the hard way.

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