cheen1973

I need as much advice as possible? My husband I have been married for less than 5 months and he is a recovering alcoholic. When we first met he was involved with married woman who was possible pregnant for him. (just found out she was playing head games and not pregnant). The problem is that I have taken verbal and recently physical abuse that has led to his incarceration for a bit.
Jail isn't and wasn't the right place for him, because he needs rehab and intense therapy. Not minimizing the abuse/cheating at all. I knew of her throughout our marriage, but was told that he just had to know if she was/wasn't pregnant. I told him that I did not want any contact between them and he promised not to speak with her. I told him, that if she is indeed pregnant, then when she has it, then we will deal with it then. Long story short, when he came back home and we decided that we would try to work on the marriage, I found emails and text messages to and from the other woman dating back from the time we got together until now.

He gave me some lame excuse that while he was in jail, she contacted his father via FB and he told my husband. My husband told me that he was just playing on her emotions to find out the truth and because he knew if he talked "bad" about me to her, she would come clean. He said that he loves me and he did not cheat. Problem is the most recent email was last week. I have been hot and cold since and he did a poor job trying to explain his actions, but it's not sitting well with me because he refuses to answer my questions. He told me he would speak with me and that has yet to happen. He tells me to erase them, because I am just throwing it back into his face and he doesn't know how to respond.
I told him through out the entire relationship if she is who you want to be with then by all means go.
Yet I revisit those emails everyday and have moved out of our bedroom and now am sleeping in another room. I am completely devastated and I can't control my emotions. I cry every chance I get, walking down the street, work, bathroom etc. Everything in me tells me to divorce him. I have done nothing, but be supportive, emotionally, financially, physically, you name it.

Sorry for the mini novel!

zoso77

cheen...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us and took the time to post. Other members will be by during the day to greet you and offer you support and feedback. Until they do, here's my feedback.

We see situations like yours all too frequently.

Cheen...may I gently suggest that jail is, indeed, the appropriate place for him at this moment in time. Physical abuse under any circumstances is simply, and unequivocally, unacceptable. There is nothing you have done or could ever do that warrants physical violence. If you had a friend or a younger sister who was in your shoes, I would be willing to bet you would want her abuser in jail. So if jail is appropriate for any other man, then jail is appropriate for your husband.

And as far as the other woman goes, at best, his contact with her is highly inappropriate. And at worst, he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. Chances are he's doing something he shouldn't be doing.

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I know that you're hurting, and you're confused. This isn't what you signed up for when you married him. Unfortunately, we see a lot of this here. I suspect his issues go beyond alcoholism. Once physical violence is in play, you have to question the character of the man.

So, with all of this out of the way...if your gut is telling you to leave him, remember that you don't need permission to do what is best for you.

We're here to support you. We can help you get through this. Just consider what is best for you.

Be safe. And again, Welcome to the Board.

zoso77

One more thing...

Here is a list of resources that you may find helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

Please keep us in the loop, and be safe.

cheen1973

Thanks for the advice. I am new here and I am so ashamed that I have gotten myself in such a mess. I stand corrected. For him jail was the answer at the time, but I still believe he needs rehab and therapy instead. You are right about the part where if it were my mother or female friend....

zoso77

There is nothing to be ashamed of. We have a lot of women who come to us in similar positions. We're not here to judge. We're here to get you on a path where you can start making the best decisions you can for yourself.

When we love someone and care about someone, our first inclination is to give them the benefit of the doubt. We really want to believe what they tell us, so we do...at least for a while.

But what happens is their words and their actions don't match up. So the only thing you can do is judge they by their actions. And his actions suck. Period.

I would caution you regarding your confidence that therapy could straighten him out. When you're talking about physical abuse and violence, what drives that behavior are character issues. And character issues can run very, very deep.

biminiblue

Keep those emails and texts. They may work to your benefit should you decide to do a legal separation or divorce.