selpats

This is only my 3rd post here. The first was right after my recovering addict boyfriend broke up with me. He was arrested on several felony drug charges and was using meth and heroin while we lived together. I'm not handling it well because he continues to act like I mean nothing, and like he's completely over what we had. This is extremely hurtful because I supported him through his recovery and we spent the last 2 years living together. Has anyone else ever been through a similar situation that might have any helpful words? I know he's in recovery and everything is crazy for him, but it's hard not to take it personally when you have been nothing but supportive through recovery, only to get dropped like a bad habit as terrible as the drugs he was doing. I feel so lost and could really use some insight from those who have been here before.

Needabreak

You might want to read this -- it could help.

11 Signs You May Be Dating A Sociopath

AnvilheadII

sometimes, in order for people to recover, they need to break off everything associated with BEFORE recovery. he was using WHILE you two were together....thus like it or not its possible you are associated with using.

you did NOTHING wrong! its so very hard to understand the messed up complexities of the addict mind if you are not an addict. he's now in a fight for his life. he was doing two of the hardest drugs to kick. and if he doesn't give it everything he's got, the drugs will take him back and he may never get another chance.

it's not you, dear one. it's the awful beast known as addiction.

selpats

It's just a really hard thing to come to terms with. Logically, I know that his decision to end it was most likely for the best, and that if he's treating me this way, he doesn't deserve me anyway. However, emotionally, I can't get over the fact that he let me stand by his side all this time, when he could have just let me go. He has shown no regard for my feelings or my life. He only cares about himself. I understand that recovery gives a person the right to be selfish, but it does not give them the right to treat people like crap. Isn't the 9th step to make amends with those you have wronged? So isn't he deliberately disregarding his own recovery by making more mistakes and more problems? Even in his troubled state, I can't imagine treating someone who was nothing but supportive like they are dirt. I'm having a hard time dealing with it because there's no way to rationalize something that doesn't makes sense.

AnvilheadII

I can't get over the fact that he let me stand by his side all this time, when he could have just let me go

you could have let yourself leave at any time as well. with his resume of felony drug convictions and using meth AND heroin, you had choices to not take a front row seat and not be involved with him. undoubtedly he was one messed up individual.

and altho now "in recovery" he's still pretty messed up. it's going to take a long time for him to get things all sorted out. you don't START the steps at 9, if you are in a 12 step program. you start at 1. and you work your way thru. some people don't get past step 3 for months or even years. some people never complete step 4. many MANY addicts relapse. some are chased by cravings for years.

just as when he was using and he couldn't BE there for you as a full functional partner, he's still that same guy, just not ripping and running.

try not to predict what he will do, what his recovery will look like, or how that amends will go. keep your focus on YOU now. al that love and attention and concern you gave to him, pour it all on YOU now.

zoso77

Hi, selpats...

I'm really, really sorry that this has happened. You probably feel like you've been hit by a truck, only the truck has also backed up and run over you a few times. It's a pretty miserable place to be.

Since I don't know him, I can't tell you with full confidence what he's thinking. This is only a guess on my part.

Giving up powerful drugs such as heroin is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Part of the allure of heroin is when you're under the influence, you don't feel a thing. You're in this chemically induced state of bliss where nothing matters worth a damn. So when the fog of being under the influence wears off, the addict is freaked. Feelings that were suppressed by the drug are now experienced like they're cranked up to 11. Not to mention the cravings and then post acute withdrawal syndrome, which can last for quite some time. That's what he's faced with.

Now, if we give him the benefit of the doubt, and he's doing all the things he's supposed to be doing, he's going to meetings. He's meeting with his sponsor. He's seeking support from those who've been where he is. And all his bandwidth is taken by just trying to stay clean. There is no room for a romantic interest, and that's because he doesn't have anything to give.

Of course, abstaining from heroin is not the same thing as being in recovery. But only time will tell on that front.

Kiddo, try not to take his inventory for him. It's really not your place to do that. Your job right now is to take care of you. The first part of that is to accept what has happened and to weather all the nasty, sh*tty feelings you're currently sitting with. Which sucks, to be honest. But at least you've found us. You've got an opportunity to heal, albeit one you didn't ask for. Take advantage of it. Learn how to live your life free from him. Start doing things you enjoy doing and that are good for you.

You can get through this, you know. It will take some hard work, and some days will be harder than others. But you can do this.

selpats

This forum has been a huge support for me, and I really appreciate everyone's kind words of advice. Some days are better than others, and I'm learning that this isn't something I want in my life. It's true that I could've walked away at any time (and I probably should have), but I didn't because I was clouded by love. I didn't understand what it meant to be in recovery. Against my better judgement, I thought we could make it through this. I was trying really hard to understand what he was going through, but instead I should have been focusing on myself. I wish the best for him, I really do, but it's so hard not to judge him and hate him for acting so insensitively. As sad as I am about it, being angry with him is probably the best way I can move forward. I can't let him use being in recovery as an excuse to treat me this way, and I won't use it as an excuse to get over him. We're all still human here, and no one deserves this.

zoso77

Kiddo, what he did and how he did it isn't about you.

One thing you'll learn if you stick around here is you can't personalize how he handled things. He's sick. He's sick mentally, physically, and spiritually. What he did to you, unfortunate as it is, is nothing compared to what he's given himself permission to do to himself. You just happened to be collateral damage.

In time, you will understand this. When the wound isn't as raw, you'll get it...

selpats

But isn't he still responsible for his actions? I guess I'm taking it personally because it has done a lot of damage to my life and it's all still fresh. It's hard not to take something like that to the heart. I know he's sick and he's just trying to figure out how to deal with this world, and I know what he did has more to do with helping himself than not loving me. In fact, it probably had very little to do with me...But it's easier to tell myself that than to actually feel that way. Like you said, zoso77, it is something I will learn with time. I guess I'm just not there yet. My only hope for the two of us is that we're both better off a year from now than we are now.

zoso77

Short answer...yes. But what's important right now is recognize that someone in active addiction operates in a realm where accountability does not exist. The addict does what they want, when they want, and to hell with consequences to themselves or others. If it wasn't you, selpats, he would have screwed someone else over the exact same way. He's operating at a deficit. He can't absorb the love and support others give him because all he's concerned about is what he wants and what he needs. And those unfortunate enough to be caught in his field are people to use, to manipulate, and ultimately discard.

Pain is pain. This is going to sting for a while, kid. But you will soon arrive at the realization that no matter what you did for him, you would arrive at where you currently are. It was never going to work. And that's because of him. Once you absorb and assimilate that, you'll start to feel better.

selpats

Thanks zoso77. You are 100% correct. Despite everything, I want him to get better. He was a great person before all of this, and I know he can be that way again. So if getting rid of me is going to keep him alive, then who am I to say he's wrong? I wish it wasn't at my expense, but that's life.

zoso77

One of our wisest and kindness members, Ann, would consider what has happened to you to be a strangely wrapped gift. You're hurting now, and I get that. But what you've gained with the end of this relationship is your life back. It doesn't have to be about him anymore. So start thinking about how you want to live it. What are things you enjoy doing? What are things that are good for your mind and soul? You've got time to think about all of this now, so don't let that time go to waste.

AnvilheadII

hon, he didn't get rid of you.....he moved in another direction. there may be a day when you too will have to walk away from someone important in your life to SAVE your life............

let's say you two were in deep water, struggling, and they threw ONE life preserver..........what would you do? try to help HIM swim to it.......or swim to it yourself and then HOPE he could catch up?

it's like watching those nature shows when the lions take down the wildebeest. you always root for the wildebeest.....but the lions need to eat...or they die. life IS harsh.....but it is also beautiful.

you have a lovely caring beautiful heart......your presence may very well have helped to save a life. you may have been the conduit. what we do know is that in his darkest days, somebody cared.

you have grace. but not just for him. for yourself and for others. hold that tight. I don't think CARING about someone is ever a mistake......but I do believe we get into situations with persons who have far more issues than we are prepared to deal with.

auroraxborealis

Wow, this could have been my thread.

allmirages

Selpats - I am in the same exact situation. All of your thoughts, are exactly like mine. Your addicts behavior, just as mine. My (now) xrecovering heroin addict just completed court ordered 90day IP rehab that is part of program that may wipe out his felonies if he completes the entire program. I've stuck by his side for the last 3 years. I didn't even know about the addition until 1/2 way through. I did what I thought was my due diligence, researched addiction, followed this site, attended Naranon, tried to get him to NA, always offered support, sometimes from a distance though when he was using heavy, stopped all enabling after I found out what that even was. And for the last 3 months he was in rehab, I was there, every single week. Even went to his AA meetings, per his request. All the men/women there knew about me.

So, 6 days at the sober house, and he dumps me. I guess because I called him on stupid lies. But, lies, none the less. And today, someone forwarded me a picture of his FB page, with him sitting in the backseat of a car with his arm around a girl that was in rehab with him. So,I am numb. But there's nothing I can do. I just wrote a book on here and deleted it. This is about you and your post. I just want you to know, you are not alone. We all empathize and understand. Please do your best to focus on you. And know, that it isn't personal. I read your post and all of your thoughts are like mine..how can he do this and not care? what about being honest and making amends? what about being responsible for his actions? How can we not take it personally? We've invested to much time, energy and most of all...love and compassion...HOW is it possible to be treated so poorly when they are SOBER.

Hugs and prayers to you. And keep reading and posting..there so much support here. You aren't alone!

selpats

I went to see a therapist not long after he broke up with me. I told him what was gong on, and how I knew that it was advised that people in new recovery don't be in relationships for the 1st year that they are sober (the seed was probably planted in rehab). His response was that often times recovering addicts end ongoing relationships to begin one with another addict. My best guess for that would be that they feel another recovering addict understands what they're going through more than we do. It's all a very messy situation, but I know how you feel. Believe me, I haven't been able to get the thought out of my head they he may ALREADY be with someone else. Why else would he get over what we had so quickly, unless he is putting up a front?
But the way I see it is that if he's started a relationship with a girl from his rehab, he's already doomed. They can't make their relationship work, when they can't even function themselves. If one of them starts using again, it is likely that the other will too. Just be happy it's not your problem anymore. I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. None of this is easy.

I really want to thank everyone for being so kind and supportive. No advice I can get from friends and family is enough because they don't truly understand, and I'm glad I was able to connect with a community of people who know what it's like to be rejected by the reject...or at least have some very insightful and encouraging things to say. Thank you all.

zoso77

It goes deeper than that. Addicts, by their nature, have very, very poor boundaries. So when you get a couple of addicts in a rehab situation, they quickly bond over shared experiences, and that bond is intense. The problem with it is there's no ground under their feet. There's no foundation for a solid relationship. In the short term, all that sort of relationship is about is tickling the pleasure center of the brain. Once that fades out, what's left?

Nothing.

selpats

I really hope for his sake that he is smarter than that. He is very dedicated to his recovery, which is why I'm not in the picture anymore. I would be so disappointed if I found out he was seeing someone else. That would be an even bigger slap in the face. I honestly don't even want to know because it won't change anything and it will only make me feel worse. I honestly doubt that he would be that careless about his recovery, but it's hard not to think about it once the seed is planted.

allmirages

Selpats, I was not trying to alarm you to think your addict is going to act like mine and be on the prowl so to speak. I was only stating that I understand your situation and shared part of my story. I am convinced my addict has a serious personality disorder, along with being an addict, and that has made him be able to cut me off without conscience and act as he is doing. I did see him working some steps (going to meetings, talking the AA lingo...taking my inventory, etc. etc.), it's just his other actions such as the lying and sneakiness, are still present even though he is sober. To me, that looks like failure is coming. But, I have to step back and remember there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It is all on him. It's not for me to judge this/that..it's my job to focus on ME.

In regard to relationships during recovery, if you read the AA big book, it talks about not starting a NEW relationship until after you have a year sober. Part of the reason for that is that any sudden changes such as a break up, might send someone spiraling out of control. They also need time to figure out how recovery works and focus on them and working their program at a level of 110%.

There's also info about "existing relationships" titled something like "to the wives". It talks about how you are feeling, and that issues will exist and how the addict may act early in recovery..etc. The overall message I got from reading it is, you have to give the addict the space they need and understand they have to work on themselves, first and foremost, then mentor to other addicts, etc. When we met with his counselor, it was suggested that we think about ongoing therapy as a good way to help mend the damage caused by the addiction. He also suggested that I keep up with Naranon or another program to help cope and learn what I need to do for me.

In any event, I feel for you. I hope your addict is working his program seriously and it works out in the end. At the same time, though, I hope you take this time to work on you, get support, and focus on you. I went to my first Alanon meeting last night (always went to Naranon before) and it was uplifting and helpful. It really made me realize what I know to be true...but sometimes forget. The only part in this that we can control, is ourselves.

selpats

allmirages, you did nothing of the sort! This is something that has worried me since the break up due to the fact that he is acting as if he has already moved on. I don't know if this is actually the case, but I know he's a really good liar! My addict also cut me off very suddenly. We were together for a whole month while I visited our hometown (we'd been long distance since his arrest, but only 1.5 hours away). He didn't act differently, avoid me, etc. In fact, I thought our relationship was better than it had been in 6 months. I hadn't been back to my house for a week before he broke up with me out of no where and refused to talk to me about what happened. It's really screwed with me because I just don't know what went wrong and he refuses to let me in his head.

So basically, right now he's telling me he needs space and I should give it to him? I can do that. I'm just so hurt by the way it was handled that I'm afraid I'll end up hating him, and that's not what I want. I don't want to get back together with him, but I don't want us to hate each other. There is no reason why we shouldn't end on a civil note. I have been thinking about going to the Alanon or Naranon support groups for friends and family. Would you suggest that? I feel like it will help me better understand what is going on in his head to give myself the closure I need to move foreword with my own life.