Back to the spiral...need encouragement

Old 02-14-2015, 10:47 AM
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Back to the spiral...need encouragement

Posted in the wrong forum... Anyway I got back into this spiral.... He said he needs to focus on his recovery and refused to see me. Recently he sent me am email saying he cares about me and he is very happy to learn that I am doing well. And that even though we haven't seen seen each other for a while, it's been nice keeping in touch nevertheless. It's a very nice message. I then responded by asking him how he's doing and invited him to a friends gathering (no alcohol). But he never responded ever since!!! Its two months now. It's confusing. We have been emailing back and forth for the past year.

I am concerned and would like to ask how he's doing. But I have experienced this before and perhaps he is just ignoring me on purpose. I feel guilty assuming he relapsed. Now My mind is back to this is he relapsed is he not mindset....

I am not even angry now. Just so used to that any sort of communication with the RA could well end abruptly with a disappear.

I thought if you are in recovery, you will be more reliable than you used to be...

Or did I say anything that made him uncomfortable? I cannot stop my mind. What's my problem? Get suck into this endless hole of worrying about someone else's responsibility.
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Old 02-14-2015, 11:03 AM
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I saw something, maybe here, maybe somewhere like it, talking about going to a meeting and sharing and they were saying, sometimes you have to soften up and sometimes you have to harden up. I think for me one of my main agonies has been being too soft and worrying too much about things, like you said, that are not my responsibilities -- stuff that is out of my control.

I would say, in your case, you could stand to harden up. If we are too soft for too many people for too many reasons, it starts eating us alive and then we ignore our own well-being, ironically, over someone else's well-being. Lose sleep, blood pressure, tension, anxiety, depression -- all of that.

You don't have to freak out to show you care. Let go and let God, if you are of that persuasion, but the principle remains true.

How often does it go back to the serenity prayer? Controlling what you can, accepting what you can't and knowing the difference.

I also have a buddy that I worry about -- some. And what is his problem? He agonizes about so many things -- caring about people who things are just not right for, or for who things just might not be right for if one thing or another happens. My point is, the danger doesn't even have to be real. It can even just be imagined. I have to be careful not to worry too much about his worrying too much.

Please, grant yourself some peace.
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Old 02-14-2015, 02:19 PM
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"Just so used to that any sort of communication with the RA could well end abruptly with a disappear."

Boy if THAT quote is'nt the best summary I've ever read on SR!
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Old 02-15-2015, 05:42 PM
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I liked the summary You said it all with a minimum of words...thank you Ruthhoney!
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Old 02-15-2015, 05:52 PM
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ruthhoney - I can only share my ES&H. When I was actively using, I'd disappear for quite a while. When I finally chose recovery, I was totally accountable.

I also have loved ones who are still using. When they disappear? Yes, I assume they are back out there, from my own experience.

Thanks to the great folks here, I no longer take it personal. I should know, I'm an RA. I NEVER used AT someone, I used because I wanted to.

I seriously doubt you did anything wrong, I think it's time to put all of this on him.

Recovery IS a full time job, but I always managed to stay in touch with loved ones who were worried about me.

My best suggestion, because I've been there, is to keep reading and posting on this forum and realize that they do what they do, it has nothing to do with what you did or said, even if they blame it on you.

Addiction is a selfish disease. Let him own his addiction and deal with it.

Not meaning to sound harsh, it's just what helped me when I was an A.

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 03-03-2015, 09:19 PM
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After 3 months of silence, he contacted me again. He said he was just really slow to reply emails and apologized for getting back to me late. And it was very nice the message. He even said he was so grateful for the time spent with me and he has no hard feelings about anything between us.

Every time it's this kind of communication that brings up hope. But usually when I start to invest emotionally again, he would disappear.

It's making it really hard to let go. I mean what he said was very reasonal are very possible reasons for being late in giving a response. It could be he is really doing well in recovery. But on the other side, i cannot stop thinking perhaps it's manipulation.

I feel bad to think this way. It seems our relationship is going nowhere. But he wouldn't say he no longer cares about me or anything like that.
I don't know what to do. Because if he is really doing well then I might have given up on a real hope. However I am also worried that i ll be stuck again and the cycle might begin once again.
It's difficult to open up to other relationship opportunities in a situation like this.
Help and encouragement please.
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Old 04-18-2015, 10:10 PM
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I found out he has a girlfriend. He mentioned nothing about this and gave the impression that he is sold focusing on his recovery. I need to be released from this man. He was my drug of choice. This recent finding is a true blessing for me to see my own stubbones and craziness I mean any sane person would have left the situation. I allowed him to treat me this way. I can't stop feeling shame on myself. He writes he cares about me and it's been nice keeping in touch! While all the time he has a girlfriend. He might never be single throughout our whole relationship. I was holding on an illusion because he claimed he cared about me so much. How stupid I was.
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