scared88

Hi everyone, So I just joined and am really struggling. When I met my husband I knew he had several years ago been addicted to narcotics, but after spending time in rehab he was in recovery. He got seriously sick in August. But instead of recovering he seemed to get worse and a different type of worse. I spent countless nights crying, worrying, researching, thinking he was dying of some terrible disease. We went to doctors and specialists and the ER so many times. But he kept getting worse. We moved up our wedding because I was so scared. Meanwhile the medical bills kept building up. Two weeks ago we were in the ER for another medical problem. He told me out of no where that he wasn't sick, but had been using heroin since September. He said he didn't want to lie anymore and he wanted to get help. (By the way I am aware that it is ridiculous that it didn't occur to me that that was what was wrong but it really didn't) So he went to a detox program. Our insurance kicked him out after a week and he's staying with family and doing outpatient. He wants to come home. But I'm angry and so incredibly hurt and scared. I want my marriage to work and he says he wants to do anything possible to come home once he feels stable and ready. But I'm struggling. Can he recover? Can I recover? Any advice and support is much appreciated.

zoso77

scared88...

Welcome to the Board. I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this. But you've come to a really good, really safe place, and I'm thankful for that.

Other members will be by to greet you, but as is my wont when greeting newcomers, I've got some things I'd like to share with you.

You have every reason to be angry. You also have every right to be extremely skeptical of what comes out of his mouth. He does, after all, have a history of substance abuse. And now, he's got a history of lying through his teeth to you. He drops the bomb after you get married and after the medical bills start piling up.

Can he recover? Sure. Will he recover? I don't know.

More importantly, can you recover? That's an unequivocal yes. Coming here and posting is a good start. Learning what it is you're up against is essential going forward. We're not marriage counselors here, scared88. The only thing I can tell you is once you learn about what you're up against, you have to make decisions that you believe are in your best interests. A lot of those decisions will be a function of what your AH does going forward. Not says. But does. His words are empty. Only his actions matter at this time.

We have a lot of women here that have been in similar situations as yours. They will pipe in over the next day or so. When they do, pay close attention to what they share with you. There's a lot of hard won wisdom on this board. Learn. Absorb. And then follow your own moral compass to decide how you can best recover.

And again, Welcome to the Board.

BlueChair

Hi Scared,

Aww Im sorry what youve been through. Reminds me of what I went through back in 2013 with my husband. Probably your still in shock. I was for a while is why I say that. Yes he can recover but he will need good treatment and it will take time. His emotions, motivations, and thoughts may all fluctuate and its pretty normal from what Ive seen. I got through it, so I believe you can too. It will take time and may not be easy for a while, lot of scary things happened, tons of raw emotions, lies and heartbreak. Parts of it you will each need to work on alone, and parts of it you will need to work on together to fix the marriage. You might want to think about counseling at some point, its been good for me and my husband.

I think also it would help to read up on addiction and get a good understanding of how it works, because usually the lies are not personal, its driven by the addiction. Almost everyone here will point to lying as part of their story.

We are doing a book review on another thread and it has lots of info in there on addiction, might be helpful to you. Has helped me a lot.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html

One other thing, do you have good family support, friends? My family and a few close friends were a real blessing to me. They knew me, knew us and went above and beyond with their love and compassion. Dont be afraid to share with those closest to you.

scared88

Thank you both so much for your replies. It is really helpful and comforting to get feedback.

Regarding family and friends, we had just moved to a completely new area. I do not know many people here. But I have told my family and a few close friends via phone. I guess I'm struggling to continue sharing with them because they are very opinionated. Their anger at him feels like an additional burden on me.

Angelscry

Hi Scared88, I can relate to how you feel regarding the opinions of your family and friends. I have gone through pretty much the same thing, but please try to find at least one person who you feel comfortable with and whom you can trust to share with. I have a really good friend she also had an AXBF and she can relate to how I feel and what I am going through without being judgemental. It helps to be able to get stuff off your chest and out of your head. I am really sorry that you are going through this and I hope he finds himself some help and that you can find yourself some help and support.

And keep on coming here there are great people here who understands and who will offer advice and support and who will help you through this.

AC

BlueChair

I understand. I had friends who became very angry and protective of me. But it didnt help me having them say bad things about him, or run him down. I was hurt, angry, scared and a bunch of other things but I didnt want them necessarily playing on my anger to make me feel better. What I needed was to calm down, and have time to get perspective. Sometimes I just needed someone to listen not try to solve it for me. Time brings answers you know. Take your time in sharing and confiding in your friends and family, but I do hope you can find a couple people to support you.

Hope14

Yes the anger just feels like rubbing salt in the wounds. Really not helpful. Bluechair's Craft for Families link has been very helpful for me. I keep re-reading it.

Jorgenss

Hi Scared,

Multiple dr. appointments, ER visits, detoxes, and IOP for 8 months and it only got worse.

One of the best sentences I have read is that if only love could heal them.

I am learning that actions are the only factor in their recovery, so listen to them very carefully.

Keep reading on this board, everyone on here has helped me immensely in understanding the pain.

Hugs to you!

BlueChair

Im so happy the link has helped you Hope. Your welcome to post on that thread, or come and intro yourself on our daily chit chat thread if you would like: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html