Jorgenss

My now ex ABF left on 12/31 and is living with a friend who is an enabler too.

I have been trying to follow the steps of Nar Anon, however I am a work in progress. Some days are harder than others, today seems to be very, very hard.

Keep trying to convince myself that I do not miss him, but a times, I do. I am hoping this is just a course in starting over. I have kept a list of the bad vs. the good and as we all know, the bad far outweigh the good.

I have been soul searching and trying to understand how I could have ended up in this situation, and I am probably being way too hard on myself.

Hope this passes soon.

hope2015

Jorgenss,

I feel your pain. My addicted loved one is my son and I told him to leave my home on 1/5. I am struggling today as well....actually I struggle every day but I force myself to stay busy and that seems to help.
I understand how you are probably very sad and feel stuck in the loss of something that could have been so right if not for addiction. Also, the sadness of knowing this is a beautiful person who is in deep, deep water and the waste of his precious life and potential to this addiction. So hard to come to terms with.
I am sure you tried, as I did, for way too long to "fix" the situation or to wait for him to come to his senses and commit to sobriety.
I didn't leave any effort on the table. I gave it everything...and more...that I had to give. As they say "If love could have fixed it, they wouldn't be addicted."
I have to remind myself many times a day that I can't fix it and I didn't cause it.
The only way I survive right now is to know that my son was not getting better, only worse, on my watch. I was loving him to death.
People convinced me...and as hard as it is, I know they are right...that we were both toxic to each other at this point in time and that he needed to go find his own way. They also told me he would probably get deeper in before he realizes he needs to come out of this place. I am terrified for him but he is an adult and I had to let him go.
The only thing you can do right now is to stay in control of your life, stay busy and start to believe that you deserve a relationship that isn't this broken.
People do turn their lives around but I know it takes years sometimes for us to feel they are truly out of the grip of addiction.
If you are young, you don't want to sign up for that much pain and heartache. Take care of yourself first and know that we are here for you when the day is painful.

Hope7726

It will pass Jorgenss.

My AXBF left in late October and even though I am miles ahead of where I was, it still hurts. And it still makes me furious. But I don't speak to him, I no longer speak to his friends or family, and I focus solely on myself. The no contact is what has helped me the most.

I have always been hard on myself and I'm sure I always will be but in this case, when there is drug addiction involved, I gave myself a break. After hearing the stories of so many others I realized just how conniving addicts are. Look how many of us have been fooled into believing their lies. We can't blame ourselves. I am such a smart person and my instincts have always been on point, yet I honestly had no clue my AXBF was on drugs. It never crossed my mind that his change in behavior was because of that. Why would it?!

Most importantly, it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done. It's over now and I've moved on. No sense in looking back, unless it's to remind myself not to repeat the same mistakes I did with the ex. There is no making sense of it anyway. Addiction doesn't make sense.

Hang in there! It gets better, I promise!!

zoso77

You can know and understand someone isn't good for us when we use our wise mind. But when our heart's involved, that's a difficult task at times. So based on that, I think it's normal to "miss him".

Very, very rarely do we simply stop giving a damn about someone after they're gone. You're going to grieve his loss, and that's OK. Just keep doing the right things for you, and you'll be OK.

Jorgenss

It seems like every day I find something missing or a bill arrives from someone else he conned and I take a step back in my recovery.

Never in a million years would I have thought I would end up in this situation and after reading all these posts, it gives me insight on how damaging it is.

I think I will always care about him, not the addict. Thank you all for your kind words.

allmirages

It is very, very hard, we can all relate to your pain. The sense of betrayal I feel is sometimes so overwhelming that I just have to step back, take a deep breath and try to let it go. There is absolutely no way to understand the mind of an addict or to comprehend how they can cause so much destruction to those closest to them. I've read it is unintentional, and that may be true. But, that doesn't excuse it or obligate us to stick around and take it. Please continue to work through your feelings and do what is best for YOU. Hugs to you!

Jorgenss

Thank you all for your kind words.