thumbellina

Hello members I'm new to the forum.

I'll start with a little intro...

Started a relationship with an addict 8 yrs ago which really turned into a friendship eventually. He has been addicted to prescription pills since a teen (oxy's , percocets, etc ) He was also into Meth and crack for a couple of years before I met him. He quit the hard stuff on his own and continued the pill addiction until his doctor suggested he go on Methedone which is now 4 yrs ago. The only pill he is on now is Clonazapam.

During the Methedone treatment I helped him find a great job, a great place to live etc.. He was doing wonderfully with maintaining a job but at the same time still getting looped with taking too many Clonazipams.

About 2 years ago he said work was too much pressure and stress and he needed a stress leave. Without going into a long story, he became angry and withdrawn during that time off. I found out he was taking excessive amounts of Benalyn cold and flu pills, the clonazipam and methedone.

We have never lived together because I always wanted him to be sober and receive help for his past and present issues. Unfortunitly the years of lying and everything that goes with being with an addict has completely drained me emotionally, physically..not one ounce of energy left in me to help anymore.

I have started to detach mths ago..and have explained to him about my physical/emotional health detiorating.

Finally a month ago he went into detox for 2 weeks. He is off the Clonazipam and just on methedone. He was moved from there into a 3 week treatment centre and will be done that next Friday.

He has been phoning daily and doing well as can be. I have experienced so much with his addiction and can tell the different 'pill personalities' or moods and find I can certainly hear the withdrawal in his voice which I understand obviously.

He's a good guy no violence, very kind hearted would die for you type. Here's my question..leading up to this treatment he was losing his place due to falling behind on rent. He wanted to live with me but I kept saying no and he was understanding of it.
Tonight he phoned from treatment saying he will be done next Friday and has nowhere to go and can he stay with me. I said it's not a good idea as part of your on going recovery. He got an angry tone of voice and said 'fine, I will just end up on the street, if you can sleep at night knowing that ..then fine. All this was for nothing then'.

I calmly tried to explain and he just kept repeating he will be on the street and that I don't care if he ends up there. He has applied to transitional housing which provides ongoing help with recovery, but he doesn't know if he will get accepted in time by next week.

I just can't have him live here and I feel so awful about this. I know it would be a disaster and it will not help him living here. He will fall back on his old ways. He is very needy (family turned their back on him yrs ago) so I'm the only one he has. I just can't handle it anymore it's too much. This time alone for a month now has been so refreshing for me to heal as well.

The biggest thing bothering me is the guilt because that guy would walk through the worst snow storm to save you. I know he would never let me be on the street. He is the most kind hearted ..or at least the pills made him that way?? I don't really know the true him I don't think. Please any suggestions or comments would be very helpful to me. Thanks

zoso77

thumbellina...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad that you've taken the time to post about what's been going on with you.

As it's a Friday night, and it's past midnight where I am, responses to your post will likely trickle in over the next couple of days. While you wait for our members, I've got a couple of things I'd like to say.

One of the recurrent themes you'll see here at FFSA is boundaries, how to set them, and how to stick to them when the addict is pressuring you. What he is doing is a form of emotional manipulation:

It's blatantly transparent, and it's designed to make you feel guilty. Well, it worked in terms of making you feel guilty. But in order for you to be steady, you need to stick to the boundary you've thrown down: he can't live with you. Most of our members would agree that that's a firm, solid boundary designed to protect you.

It doesn't mean you don't care about him. It doesn't mean you don't worry about him. What it does mean is you're putting your well-being first, and given his track record, that's the safe play.

Anyways, bedtime for me. Check back over the weekend for responses to your post. Read as many threads and posts as you can. Learn what it is you're dealing with such that you continue to make the best decisions for you. And again, Welcome to the Board.

cynical one

^^^^This is manipulation.

Your home should be your sanctuary and you get to choose not to invite chaos into it.

chicory

I agree. This is manipulation. Perhaps he is scared but he needs to learn to solve his problems. What if you were not around? He would find a way.

I wish him well and I am glad that you are seeing clearly , with the time away, to see how much stress you were under. Take care of yourself.
chicory

Vale

"Then being on the street is an outcome your choices have
led you to."

Normally, one is expected to preface something like this with
" I'm sorry"....... but I have not done anything I am sorry for......

thumbellina

Thank you for your replies they help reinforce my bounderies. Today he had a day pass from the treatment centre. He phoned asking if we could spend the day together because he needed a break from the centre. I haven't seen him in about a mth now.

I picked him up and we went and did some shopping. He seem like he hadn't changed (looked and acted looped out) I didn't say anything about it though.. He told me on his own that they have him on an anti anxiety pill and he just took his methdone dosage. After a few hours I could tell the effects of the drugs were wearing off and he took out a small envelope and popped a pill that the nurse had given him before he left for the day. The envelope was sealed and it was very legit.

I kept my thoughts about the pill stuff to myself because I didn't want to create any problems or make the rest of the day uncomfortable.

The day went ok...meaning it was like it always has been...him drowsy and forgetting what we are talking about, and me trying to help him find things that he has misplaced.

Later we were to meet his beautiful 20 yr old daughter who wanted to spend time with her dad. From there I would go home..the daughter would drive her dad back to the centre and visit. As we were waiting in a parking lot for her arrival we were talking about his treatment and how it was going for him.

Suddenly he brings up about moving in this Friday when treatment ends because he has nowhere to go. I told him the same things I've said all along about how it's best for his recovery to live somewhere else etc..

Well that's where it really went downhill fast. He said how unsupportive I've been through this whole thing, how if the tables were turned how he would never let me live on the street and that he's really realized that I don't give a crap about him. He said his councilor was floored when he found out we have been together for 8 yrs and we still don't live together and that he doesn't need that in his life. I said 'did you tell him the other side of the story or just your own?' Meaning why I won't live with an addict or all the things we have been through (lying etc..)

He said oh yes I told him all the bad things I've done too you. (bullcrap) He would never tell anyone the real truth...that's just him. I know him. Even his poor daughter is so proud of papa but doesn't have a clue what we have been through. She just thinks its prescribed pills but he still functions normally. Nobody has a clue ...it's only been me and him for 8 yrs. '

Sorry went on a bit of an anger rant...anyways to end this story..he suddenly says he doesn't think we should be together anymore. So I clarified what he meant..and yes, he was breaking up with me. Funny thing is this morning he told me how he told his councilor how I'm his rock. LOL

He has broken up with me so many times this past few years it doesn't even phase me anymore because he phones the next day and acts like it never happened. This time maybe it's real..who knows. So one last question ...should I go no contact..after all he broke it off...Should I answer the phone if he phones? The problem with answering is he will pretend nothing happened..or he will deny he said that. He does that a lot.

I almost feel like dissapearing..and let him sink or swim. I do care about him but like I said before I need time to get strong again. I tried explaining that to him..but he feels it wasn't that bad and I shouldn't live in the past. Thanks again for reading this...

cynical one

I've found that in the early process of treatment to take anything that is attributed to what a counselor or sponsor or therapist "says" with a grain of salt. He's still attempting to use manipulation tactics (guilt) to get you to do what he wants. I think it's good that you are maintaining your boundaries.

As far as no contact goes, that's up to you. If you need time and space for your own peace of mind, then by all means cut off or at least limit contact.

I'm sure if he were to ask, the counselors would help him with finding temporary housing or a sober living facility. And, depending on your location, The Salvation Army offers a long-term residential program. The streets are not his only option.

story74

I would actually be irritated over his anger/manipulation over his reaction to you saying no to move in. You are super smart to say no. Unfortunately and sadly, this is his problem. You don't need to be guilted into a roommate that will suck you dry. Stay strong.

JOIE12

I was in the same situation. 3 years and I told him from the first day he used, that until he was straight, we could never live together. I think you have a good handle on this.

It's funny how we can read our own stories in the words of others. Like a instruction guide for them. They say and do pretty much the same things.

I think for me, it's the realization that I don't want to babysit. I don't want to watch and monitor. The constant reminders that I am the crazy one.

it's not normal and it's not something that I wanted to continue. I have a friendship with him but he's not really there anyways. In the meantime, I work on my codependency issues and learn as much as I can about this so that I don't ever compromise my values again.

Stick with the boundaries that you laid out. I feel that when I lapse, I lose a piece of myself. Best wishes Thumbellina. I will keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong.

chicory

No one can tell you what to do, but if you look at the big picture, and see that you have held back from real commitment , perhaps that tells you something.

The question is, do YOU want to continue investing in this relationship? because you are investing something of worth- your time, your mind, and your future is on hold if this is not the one, you know?

Follow your gut feelings and what your heart is telling you. We often have the answers, but whether we are ready or not to act on them is the question.

chicory

thumbellina

Hi,

All of your replies are so true..it's the exact way that I am thinking. The biggest thing that's been on my mind is that I'm going to be 49yrs old and I'm wasting so much time and energy on something that isn't going anywhere. The agreement 8 yrs ago was for him to get sober so we could start our lives together. The reason I hung on was we did have nice times together...a lot of them..and because he had his own place ... I could at least have some alone time when we were apart.

This isn't a relationship, it's me being a caregiver/babysitter. I've known this for a long time but now have been sucked dry. I've told him this in the past but he thinks if you love someone you would do anything. Anyway it's sad, today I feel like I'm mourning, but I also feel there's a reason for all this.

It's also obviously codependence as well. I'm spending my time reading this site, learning and getting to know myself again.

He hasn't phoned today yet..so I guess he's still mad at me. Thank you again for all your insight and I will hang around and continue learning

CaringScared

Thumbellina, I am in a similar place, although I've only been with my boyfriend for ten months. During that time he has plunged further into crack addiction and lost everything. I mean everything. He doesn't even have an ID. He's been in and out of hospitals and homes for three months, but can't abide by rules and is constantly getting kicked out. Soon, he may truly have nowhere to go. The pressure on me to take him in has been constant and it's very cold out right now so I worry tons when he's out--but he always relapses when he's out, so it's not even a question for me. Yes, I feel bad, but we can't invite that chaos into our homes. Think how unsafe it would be.

I love my bf and I sympathize with his pain and fear. I don't wish homelessness on him, but it would be bad for all concerned if he stayed with me. By the way--my guy is doing the same thing, turning on me. It feels bad, but I'm trying not to take it personally. My job is not to fix, control, blame, or shame him--is the way I'm trying to look at it. He has a right to his feelings. My job is to take care of me.

CaringScared

Also, one other thought.

They may say that if the situation was reversed, they'd help us, but can they truly know that? Manipulation aside, I don't see how my boyfriend can imagine what it's like for me, a 5"3 woman, contemplating letting a six-foot-tall guy with anger issues and a crack addiction into my home. I think it's easy for him to imagine that if the situation were reversed, he'd be there for me.

I'm not sure if he's being totally honest with himself on that score.

thumbellina

Sorry CaringScared that you have to go through this. It's so hard to not feel the pressure of letting them into our homes. I'm glad you are keeping strong not to let that happen. It won't help us, and certainly it won't help them. My guy lost all his ID too and his right to drive. He got pulled over for swerving all over the road from being on too many pills. They suspended his license and he was too go for a medical evaluation. I tried reminding him so many times, but in his fog he missed all the deadlines.

He also ended up by ambulance in the hospital for taking too many pills and saying he had bugs crawling all over him. What a disaster! I feel bad for his landlord when she goes into his place next week. She's been so understanding of his situation but doesn't know why he was on disability. That place is trashed with burn holes all over the carpet from him trying to burn the bugs that he was hallucinating. He already had a fire there back in the spring when he left a pot of hot oil on the stove cause he fell asleep. The whole house was smoke damaged. After the repairs she still let him live there OMG!

Anyways keep strong..as I will too! I wish you only the best

AnvilheadII

I've told him this in the past but he thinks if you love someone you would do anything

translation - if you love ME you will do anything FOR ME. i however am not bound to anything for you but drag you down and treat you like crap.

MsPINKAcres

In looking at a relationship, I was given this suggestion ~

Think about your very very best girlfriend, your sister, your mom or maybe your daughter ~ a very special woman to you that you know is a great person, who loves & cares for people ~ who does her part to make this world a better place.

Now imagine that special lady is in the relationship you have with your "A" right now ~ not the one you wish you had or the one it could be - the way it really is right now?

what suggestions would you give her? what would you want for her? do you think your daughter, sister or best friend would deserve better . . .

guess what - if she deserves better . . . you do too.

just sharing my e, s, & h ~

pink hugs

CaringScared

Thank you, Thumbellina. I am REALLY sorry you have gone through that. I pray your guy gets help but more than that I pray that you will be safe and well.

Vale

Anvil hit the nail on the head.

(you treat me like crap, never doing anything to
our collective emotional bank account except make
withdrawals-----whilst I do nothing but make deposits.)

But.......hmmmmm.......let's call this a "relationship"
because just calling it what it is ( a CON ) is just too
difficult to face.

We've all been there. No contact was the smartest move
I ever made----and the only one that ever worked.

thumbellina

Ugh! As you know the last time I saw him was 4 days ago. The day he decided to dump me. Last night (tues) he called from the treatment centre. I didn't answer. He left a voicemail saying he was just calling to talk, but I guess you don't want to talk to me. His tone of voice was snooty. This morning he called again on my cell and I didn't answer. He sounded sheepish and said he was just calling to talk I'll try back later. You could tell he was somewhat medicated.

I got home from work and my house phone rang. I answered it not thinking he would call that..and of course it was him. He sounded sober and said 'Hi how are you doing..I said fine'. Then he starts talking about how he put in an application to transitional housing and that hopefully he can get in next week. Also that hopefully the treatment centre will give him an extension to stay there so he has a roof over his head.

He said 'so was work busy today? and I said 'why are you asking I thought you are done' He said 'I still consider you a friend and that we can still talk as friends'. I just repeated I thought you were done. Then he got irritated and said I'll call you later in the week ..OK BYE and hung up. I don't know why I repeated what I told him, but that's all I could say at the time.

So this is not a game to me and I hate when someone gushes over you with the 'I love you's' which was on Saturday and by night I was dumped and now a friend. I get that his emotions are probably all over the place but don't break up and then give breadcrumbs..or perhaps he's keeping me on the back burner so he has (or think he has) options if everything else fails.

Can someone explain what he is trying to do if anything? I need to be prepared. I do care about him I just don't want to be used or my emotions being played with anymore. I will not answer my house phone anymore and I'll keep reading and learning from all this. Thanks for reading

thumbellina

Oh crap! I walked away from the computer and thought what the heck am I doing. LOL What does it matter? Bottom line he needs to get better on his own time...and I need to get better too.