Twofour

My son is 21. he is addicted to percocet and just got out of rehab. Was doing meetings but i just found out he used with a girl he met in rehab. He's only been out 2 weeks. What now. Back to rehab. I know it's not unusual to rebound. What now. Any suggestions for where I am right now

Ileana

I wish I knew. Daughter age 25. I thought she was 1 year sober but found out she was using.

I see we share more than just the pain of an adult child addict. We are neighbors (LANC CO PA here).

Will they take him back at rehab? Will he go? Will it do any good?

Sorry, I was probably not a good person to see this if you were looking for encouragement. I don't have any advice, just know I understand your pain.

Twofour

Not sure but he is making the calls. I just feel so lost. And sick to my stomach. Feel paralyzed not powerless yet. When they live with you and first time relapse. I just want him to have best shot of getting clean

Ileana

Just a suggestion but I think he needs an all male rehab this time.

Also a suggestion- if you haven't already- hide your valuables, credit cards, etc.
Your son may not be capable of stealing from you but your addict is facing a 2nd rehab and will soon be screaming to get high. The addict will do anything to get high and if he knows he is going to rehab- he likely knows he'll won't face any consequences at least for 30 days.

secondwind

What now? Hard question.

Your son needs to do what he needs to do to get back into strong active recovery. Maybe back to rehab, sponsor work, more meetings, therapy (and most likely no contact with the girl he used with). If he isn't willing, then sadly he has probably gone from lapse to active addiction again.

You need to decide what you need to do and what boundaries you need to put in place.

Before leaving rehab many families will put in place a Plan B (in case Plan A of staying sober doesn't work). Some relapsing addicts have to leave the home immediately, some have to enter rehab again, etc... this is why I am a strong believer in sober living homes after rehab. They have these agreements and rules to assist with relapses and to protect the others living there.

I do think ever situation is different. There is no one size fits all answer.

We can only pray we are healthy enough to make the best decisions for everyone involved.

zoso77

Well, that depends. Does he live with you?

Twofour

I thank you for all your input He is living with me. I did talk with him that he has to make the choice to get back in the game. And dear lord I do need a plan b that li can stand by. I read his cell phone and realized where he was. I have never touched his cell phone in 21 years. Guess I should have. I know the girl isn't the issue it's his. But I'd like to see if any rehabs are just men in my area. I again appreciate you all taking the time. I have two other children under my roof so I know I have to protect them in this larger than life situation

Twofour

He does live with me and my other 2 children

Ileana

Stay strong Rosie.

secondwind

I pray he makes that choice to get back in the game.

Lapses are hard.. and can feel like such a set back.

Lovenjoy

hi rosie. i'm glad you found SR and sorry you and your family have the need...

i am the mother of an addict and found SR about a year ago and although i came here looking for help for my son what i have found is help for myself...

please read the stickies at the top of this section and the stories other families have shared and know many of us mothers will walk with you, you are not alone, and that has been one of the most valuable things for me...

i had to educate myself about addiction and learn to protect myself from the destructive behaviors which are typical. having other children i think makes it even more important that you understand where addiction can lead our beloved sons...

welcome to SR, it is a place of support, love and healing...

zoso77

Well, a viable plan B, as you call it, is a must going forward. My concern is if he's in active addiction while living with you, he will not follow the rules of the house.

You need to be aware that a viable plan B is probably not something you'll want to do, especially where it centers on one of your children. That said, we're often confronted with decisions we don't want to make, but have to for the sake of our sanity.

Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.

Twofour

I know that my head says active using and he will have to leave. Just need some personal growth to have my heart go with the plan. I know I dont want him to die so I must make tough choices of what I can accept under my roof and it can't be living here unless sober. He has a 20 yr old brother that I found out were partying together. He says he's good and didn't let it take him down. Now he's done with it cause of his brother. But I can look at them and have no idea what is truth anymore.....I guess that is the hardest part for me and many I'm sure. Is there a template of a sober living family contract on any site?? Anyone have suggestions??

Lovenjoy

this for me is the absolute hardest part of living with an addict. i do not trust anything that is said in regards to using or not using - i rely on his actions and behaviors. recovery looks like recovery. if i think i have to ask then i need to assume the worst...

as to a "sober living family contract" rehab may have guideline input for this as most have a family input/support portion to programs.

personally when i took to heart the advise given here that i take care of myself and look to my needs i was able to start creating boundaries which helped me keep my serenity. (and sanity!) i 'listened' to people here about how to take care of myself. i started alanon and therapy. as i began dealing with the affects of the trauma i was able to identify what i could or couldn't allow in my home...

i will support recovery and only recovery. i will be treated with respect in my home. until trust is restored there will not be 'friends' of his in my home. i have learned to say no - if it's something he can and should do himself. there is a young child, his, in our picture which makes the ultimatum of keep my boundaries or leave of particular difficulty for me. if it wasn't for my granddaughter he would not be in my home - which would probably be most helpful to his recovery.

but despite this it has become very apparent to him and to me if recovery is not actively pursued he will not be allowed to live here.

the most powerful suggestion i received when i arrived at SR broken was to take care of myself. learn to be kind to myself. obsessing and putting all my energy into trying to make him well had made me very, very ill. and it didn't make a bit of difference in whether he worked his recovery or not.

i now protect myself from his addiction - financially, physically and spiritually. he knows i love him and will support him when he is making the right choices. if he chooses to do the wrong things all bets are off. he has the tools to fight but only he can do it. recovery is an inside job so there is nothing i can do for him in regards to his addiction. i have finally accepted this and i am more well and he is trying harder.

although we are all dealing with the common demon addiction, we each come to ways to address this devastating problem in our own ways and in our own time. accepting, education, boundaries, self-care, and hope. always hope.....

Ileana

Rosie,
I've said this many times at my group meetings. I think being a parent of an addict is the most horrible of all the addict relationships. From the day they are born we live to care, protect, and love our child. If our child had cancer or MS or any of the "appropriate" diseases, kicking them out of our home would be unconscionable. Yet with this disease we are told "helping hurts your child" or "stop providing financial help". How can we, as mothers, possibly be expected to do this?

You live in PA, it's snowing right now, tomorrow the temperature is supposed to be in the negatives. It's all over the news to bring outside animals inside. If animals shouldn't be outside then please tell me how I could possibly kick my child to the curb tonight.

Some days, the pain is just too much to bare. Most days I feel like nobody really understands. But then again, how could they be expected to because honestly...I don't understand it myself. I'm angry, I'm scared, I'm MAD, I'm disappointed and yet..I still love this child with all my heart.

Impurrfect

I'm what they call a double winner - an RA and a recovering codie who has/had loved A's.

I'd just like to give a little ES&H.

I was homeless when temps were over 100 degrees, and below freezing with snow and ice on the ground (rare in GA, but it happens). That was MY choice because getting high was my priority.

It took my loved ones stepping back, saying "I love you, but I'm not going to contribute to you killing yourself" for me to hit bottom and find recovery. I'm going on 8 years.

On the other side of the addiction fence? I found my stepmom IN the house where my dad, she and I lived, unresponsive and cold from an accidental OD over a year ago. I performed CPR but it was too late.

I know addiction, inside and out, but I couldn't save her because she didn't want to quit taking pills.

I guess my point is that we addicts are pretty darned resourceful at dealing with circumstances most people don't understand. It also doesn't matter how much you love someone or know about addiction - the addict will do what they do.

The best thing I ever did was work on myself and detach with love when I needed to. It's not easy, but it's very important to me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Twofour

I hear you loud and clear. I am reading a lot on this website and going to start a personal counselor because it's more than I can carry alone. Need to build my strength back to live. Thank you so much. It does help to see your not the only one

Twofour

Oh my god. Exactly. Exactly right. I know naranon helps as well. I just haven't found one I feel ok in. Probably because all I do is cry when I go. Easier to share in this format for me right now.

Twofour

Hearing all of you restores some faith. I am not sure my higher power has interest in me. But I know I have to find a way to reach to that higher power

secondwind

Rosie I know this feeling.

The Higher Power has interest in you. It is a loving and healing Higher Power.

I view it this way...

Just like for the addict, our Higher Power is always there. Waiting. They put sometime subtle, other times very loud, offers for help to the side of our current path. But they do not force us.. the Higher Power knows we have to open ourselves up to that help.

It is our choice.. and sometimes takes a long time to make that choice. Once the choice is made.. it can be a hard road.. but the load is lightened some from our heart and shoulders. As our Higher Power, as we view them, will carry some of the load for us.