Saffy86

Hi everyone,

I've been reading posts on here for a few months now and could really do with some advice/support I'm nearly 29 yr old female from UK who has been with my AH for over 7 years and married for 4.5yrs. We have 2 beautiful little girls together who are my world
My husband abuses prescription meds and has been (as far as I know) since October 2013. It started off with Tramadol that he received from a work colleague and progressed onto Night Nurse, Benilyn, Codeine phosphate, Zolpidem, antihistamines and Diazepam! He has also started drinking. I asked him to leave in October 2014 and he did, vowing to 'sort himself out'. He is staying at his mums. He hasn't tried to seek help at all and he now seems totally dependant on his meds, my loving husband has been replaced by a monster who only cares about getting high but the really weird thing is, he's holding down his job (it is a family business) and although I know he takes the odd day off, this seems so strange! I've tried asking his family for support but they bury their heads and insist he is fine!!!!!!! He has admitted the problem to me but noone else. Sometimes he tells me he needs to get himself well and other times he says there is nothing wrong and he only left in October because he couldn't bear being with me and didn't want to hurt me so used drugs as an excuse!?!?
The past week, I feel I have reached the end of my tether. This man has had nearly 4 months out of the family home to seek help and instead seems to be plunging deeper into addiction. He has been popping in to see the children once a week but barely stays 2 hours before he rushes off again!! I told him last week I have had enough of letting him see the girls when he wants and then watching him rush off to his drugs. He doesn't see that he is hurting them more by being like this. He freaked out on me and told me he has been clean for 5 days and I should be supporting him, so I believed him and let him visit the following day. He was half an hour late and then rushed off as usual after 1 and a half hrs. The next day I contacted him and he sent me strange messages and it was obvious to me he was using. I told him I've had enough of his lies and him messing us around and now I haven't heard from him for 3 days but he's said he wants his children and he will go through court if he has to!!!! He's denying any drug use but I have to trust my gut instinct.
I'm sorry this all seems a bit muddled, I'm in tears as I write it and feeling so lost. I just don't want to talk to him any more but it's so hard because of the children, but I don't see how he is being a father to them right now, they are better off without him until he wants help!!!!!
Thank you if you managed to read this x

Saffy86

Will he ever get help?

mejo

Hi, he may or may not get help. That is not up to you, only him. He is in denial. That's okay, he probably will be there for a while. Try to continue to enjoy this "quiet" period of no contact. If you can, only speak to him about the kids. As time passes, more will be revealed. Work on you. I cannot stress that enough. I know you love him and you want your family together. We all want that. But right now he is not healthy. The less you talk to him, the easier it will be for you to get stronger and establish your boundaries. First, you need to decide what those are and try to stick with them. He is an addict. This is going to hurt, because he will start spewing hate toward you. Just stay centered and strong, at least in front of him. Hold your own. These people here at SR will be here to talk and help you through it.

Saying a prayer for you!

Saffy86

Hi mejo, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to reply.
I think me reaching the end of my tether is me finally realising that constantly trying to get him to understand the error of his ways DOES NOT WORK!! He can manipulate his way out of anything! How can someone be in denial when it's so clear to me and he has even admitted it before!? I can drive myself crazy trying to work out how an addict 'thinks'.
I am going to try to do exactly what you have suggested and enjoy the 'no contact'. I'm going to concentrate on my gorgeous girls and pamper myself and spend time with my lovely family.
I really wish I knew whether or not he will get help in the end - a crystal ball would be great right now! It feels as though my life is sort of on standby, but I am trying hard not to let it be.
Thank you again x

mejo

Well, here's a little story for you about my AH. He went from having a life any other man would absolutely die for, to jobless and homeless. All of it was his choice. I did not kick him out, file for divorce or anything. It was him...all him. All for Meth.

So when you say you don't understand, neither do I. Addiction sucks and it sucks the life right out of our best friend. It is so hard to watch.

Try to love yourself more than him.

Saffy86

I'm so sorry it's so cruel and makes no sense. I would literally have done anything to help my AH, but it's true what they say, they are the only ones who can fix it if they actually want to I'm going to try my hardest to love myself more. It's so easy not to isn't it!?

JOIE12

Saffy .... thank you for sharing your feelings and fears. It helps to absorb all of the information here and then put it in black and white.

This is your journey ... but .... you are not alone. There is so much hope and inspiration. You will discover this with each step, success and personal accomplishment.

He will eventually have to face the truth but it will not be with your assistance. Addicts are on their own path. He cannot be whom you wish him to be. And that's the hardest dream to let go of.

Manipulation is their trademark.

I stayed way longer both times than I should have but we all must handle things in our own way and when we are ready. Please try to remember how good life can be, how important you are to the people who care about you and don't let him have more of you than he already has. He will keep doing just as he is. His family knows, they are in the same denial as your AH.

Please keep reading, posting and growing stronger through this. We are here, anytime you need us.

hugs,
JOIE

CodeJob

Welcome!

You did really really well making the home safe for you and your girls.

Saffy86

Hi JOIE,
Thank you so much for such a kind message. You have made me feel really welcome here and just knowing that others have been, or are going through the same, really helps. You are so right when you say that AH cannot be whom I wish him to be and that is the hardest dream to let go of - I have spent the last few months since he left trying to get him to realise he needs to seek help and trying to 'fix' him myself. I felt like I failed and then I realised it's him - there is nothing I can do, even if I want it so badly sadly I think you are right about his family - they are burying their heads because they don't know how to and don't want to have to deal with anything.
Thank you again for your lovely post x

Saffy86

Hi CodeJob,
Thank you for the welcome that is really kind of you to say that, you would not believe the manipulation and spite he has thrown at me for wanting to give my girls a safe environment he will even say he is absolutely no danger to them whatsoever and keep on denying the drug use even though there have been incidents where he has proved he cannot be a responsible parent to them

Sasha4

I'm from the other side but I couldn't read and run.

I'm a single with very little support. I know how hard it is when you do everything for your kids and he just casually drops for all of an hour or so.

Where does he get his drugs from?
Is he still getting prescriptions or buying them else where - the internet or a supplier?

I know you can buy weak codeine, anti-histamines and cough stuff etc over the counter in chemists but the diazepam and Zopi sleeping tablets he needs a prescription from a doctor.

I also cannot imagine a doctor in the UK prescribing the sleeping stuff and benzodiazepines (diazepam group of drugs) long term either. They are incredibly strict when it comes to addiction and abusing dugs?

What happens when he has exhausted the doctor route, if thats the route he is using, and he can have more more drugs?

I think it is hard when you see a chemist shop as an exciting place to treat yourself to pharmaceuticals that will make you feel drowsy and euphoric.
He needs to get to a place where he can trust himself not to buy Nurofen Plus or Solpadeine type stuff.

What I would say is that this is NOTHING to do with you.

You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

If he says you made him so unhappy he had to turn to abusing drugs then that is utter nonsense.
He could just of left if he was so unhappy.
Marriages and relationship's break up all the time, but most people don't run to use drugs. A couple of drinks maybe but generally not sleeping tablets and pain killers and cough mixture.

I think it is really mean of him to say it was your fault, but unfortunately thats what addicts do.

I am ashamed to say I did it myself when I was heavily drinking.
However its not personal believe me. I would use every excuse why I drank and whose fault it was or what was to blame.
It could be works fault, family problems, bad weather, traffic jam.
Its all rubbish though!

However he can only beat this.
He also has to want to beat it.
It might take something bad to happen to him as a result of him using drugs.
He might have to hit rock bottom first.
That won't be nice to watch, but then again you don't have to. You can go no contact or have very limited contact with him.

With my daughter I just think its him who is missing out.
The less my daughter see's her dad, the less she asks about him or wants to see him.
In the early days it was hard as she cried but I think she knows that I am the reliable parent. He is not.

I used to worry about him missing out on her growing up, but now I think he made them choices he made and if he regrets them then thats his problem.

I just make the most of every single moment with her.

Its hard very at times but then I think when she is older she will see that I tried my hardest.
I also feel proud of myself and that I can say hand on heart, I have tried my hardest, given it my best.
He can't.

Stick around here and visit often.
There are many wise people that come here.

I wish you the best xx

Saffy86

Hi Sasha,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply
You are right about it being hard being a single parent. I find it so very hard to believe that someone who doted on his children and wouldn't miss anything they do for the world has become so careless. But I guess that's what addiction does to them, it becomes their everything
As for where he gets his drugs from - he was so good at hiding them and how he got them, but when I first found out I did a lot of detective work and saw that he was buying large amounts from online pharmacies (I cannot believe these places are able to hand out pills with no proper prescription, just an online doctor consultation! Some based in UK, some elsewhere in the world) and I saw that he was in contact with an old friend who was well known for supplying drugs etc. He is manager of a hotel and several of his members of staff are from Poland and I know some of them were providing him with pills that were their own prescriptions (not sure if they got the pills in this country or in Poland). He has become so sneaky and sees himself as above everything and everyone and will do anything to get the pills. I guess he would be described as a high functioning addict as he holds down a stressful job (even though he has neglected his family).
The quote you wrote :
You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.
This has become my new mantra. It just helps to remind me that it's not my fault and it is not my problem to fix. Even if he has blamed me so often. Thank you for being so refreshingly honest about how you would blame people when you were drinking heavily - it makes me feel better to realise that this is all part of addiction. I know I am a good person with a kind heart and I could not have driven him to behave like he is!
I have been feeling awful too about him missing out on our girls. They are just 1 and 3 yrs so change every day. Again, you are right - he made the choice to carry on and not seek help and it's his choice to miss out on them for his 'highs'. I just want to be the best mummy I can be and make sure my girls are so loved, even if it's just me on my own. I feel bad for them, but like you notice with your little girl, the less they see him, the less they care! You sound like an absolutely amazing mum x
Thank you again for your kind supportive words xx

Saffy86

Also, I have to keep reminding myself that he has always been an addict, even before he met me!! He has had problems in the past with both alcohol and marijuana and became addicted to both!!