irisgardens

I have continued therapy and the meds change--my therapist is helping me in ways I would never have expected.

Things have gotten uglier and uglier with husband and adult children either blame me or pressure me to get another job or tell me to divorce him...i have held a firm boundary with active addict daughter...we were supposed to meet last sunday but she started in on me as to the fact that she is late on her rent at a transient hotel and how blah blah...it is all my fault. Didn't meet with her.

I have also taken control of the money for the first time in 40 years...not too much--it is unemployment but it helps to pay another month's rent. I had to also stand up to husband on Tuesday as he had put some automatic charges through...and it took the rent transfer $400 below the amt required. He is being emotionally abusive...but my therapist says that with the severe physiological depression, that it would be best for me to stay in the apartment and try to ignore him...and to take care of my own health.

I believe he is very angry because of the money but the demands for me
to do what he 'needs now' are escalating, he is changing what he says every other hour and says it id all my fault that we are going to lose everything. He has never shared much, but as we have gone further and further down financially over the past several years because he just never made any money--but i kept thinking things would get better until he lost his construction business and house. I took us to Chile to sell some properties there, do post-construction work, and re-start.

When we ran out of money in 2013 and daughter relapsed, i got a job over skype and came back and worked...then when he came back without finishing, i made him going back to finish a bottom line. He came back changed for the worse and blaming and being quite mean...this time to me.

In the meantime, i got laid off from work and in addition to the depression was having anxiety--and getting pressure from adult kids to 'work', to be ok now...but no support--that was reserved for their dad.

in the meantime i have been doing job searches, sending resumes--and with a broken wrist and he had to drive me...but he has given me the silent treatment and also changing his answers every other minute on key questions...but definitely taking the doctors advice to 'learn to take care of myself' as i need to do everything he asks instantaneously...it has always been that way, when i tried to make things better rejected me and mocked my words about love and asking for a touch of care, has told me he is too busy when i call and created a lot of drama which has made an anti-anxiety drug necessary.

On Wednesday, he was stopped for lack of seatbelt and the officers discovered that he had stolen a 2015 dmv sticker to hide the fact that we weren't registered. He first blamed our son and then me as the car is registered in our name. Car was towed--he left me in the dust as he walked home and i walked home separately.

I know he drank from the time he was 16 to at least last year...he is 63. His anger and lying are awful. Today he tried to pressure me into going to pick up his tools after being very angry and changing his sorry about the car. Yesterday morning he told me it was my fault for having so many tickets...today he told me that it was because it failed smog test twice in december--i am still working on walking to pharmacy to pick up prescription refills. I was asking because I got two interviews yesterday for next week, but both require long drives.

After I became hysterical and called my therapist, she told me that if I can't handle the abuse, I need to go to a shelter, but that might make it harder. I know that is true...and i am just going under with all the blame and desperation. Apparently, he helped son get a car and whereas two nights ago he told me son could lend me car for interviews...as of this am says i have to ask son because he owns car.

I need to get to those interviews...has now come and been told we lose everything if i don't go and show ownership today and that it will be my fault when we lose everything and says has done everything. i am not strong enough to withstand...says that he has a job on monday and if i don't take him to get his tools from my car he will lose job and it is all my fault.

i need to try those interviews...and to be as up as possible for them and ask son to drive car...i just got my cast off yesterday and that will allow me to put together an outfit.

I am working my program and the angry energy is almost too much too handle; i am walking unbalanced and anxious--been told it is physiological...but doing some things...and request prayers and support. The stress is horrendous.

CodeJob

Hello Iris,

I read this and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ann

Iris, I "feel" the stress in your words and my heart hurts for you. You have done a good job to get a therapist and finding support for yourself here.

I hope you get a job soon, something that you can support yourself with, maybe then you can make your plan to escape from this madness.

Until then we're walking with you, cheering you on and hugging you all the way.

Hugs

shinebright7

Ugh. This is a lot to be dealing with and I can tell it's weighing heavily on you.

(((hugs))))

I'm glad you have support both with your therapist and here on SR. It's a big deal that you came here to share your story so that you could be supported by others who are going through difficult times and who have made it to their own serenity, too.

Thinking of you and hope you keep in touch with the boards here. <3

greeteachday

I'm glad your therapist is helping you and that you reached out here for support as well. I can see why the situation is so terribly stressful. I'm sending lots of positive thoughts that the interviews go well and you find a job so you can continue taking healthy steps for you!

Twofish

Dear IG,
Just seeing this now and my friend, I'm so sorry that family of yours keeps playing
the "blame" game and a few others with your heart and mind!
You have all of my support Iris! There's got to be a way to get away from this
torture! Listen closely to what your therapist says, she/he can look at this objectably
and give you advice and suggestions to help you through yet another crisis that
your husband and kids keep putting you in!
Plus, take care of yourself, extra TLC now!
Iris, lean on SR, especially now. We are here, we are your cyber family and we care
about you!! Always have and always will!
Prayers and positive thoughts coming to you dear Iris! XOX plus a big group hug
that I think you might need right now!
Keep your hope alive Iris!
TF

FeelingGreat

Iris, my heart goes out to you in your present situation. Your husband is clearly abusive and is making your anxiety and depression much worse. Anyone would feel as you do in your horrible situation.
All I can suggest is that you do whatever you're capable of to leave your domestic situation and set up on your own. You're used to having little money, but the peace for you would be priceless. Would it be possible to take a room somewhere in exchange for housekeeping and care? Are there any relatives or friends who would be willing to help on a temporary basis?
I'm sure you'll do much better on your own, but the practicalities of getting away must be your priority now.

irisgardens

Thank you all--I am so weird--I don't always want to write because I wonder if it is all my fault--didn't do enough or imagining it. I am an adult child and from my 12 years working on that...know at least that the anger and acting out towards me are true. The 'mistake' I made with my mother was telling her the truth about my feelings when, after helping her with dad's stroke operations over 11 years...and she chose to 'surprise' me the day after he died in attorney's office with replacing me for the second time in 13 years as her executor...it was such a shock and took a lot to get through although I realized sooner that it was all about control...and just blessed my brothers in their role and didn't get involved again so as not to cause further issues...my mother still shut me out and although i tried so hard for many years...she has never been willing to see or talk to me again...although she helped my husband...and neither told me. You notice that I didn't say 'help' me as that was never her role in my life...it was the reverse...

I have left that behind...finally...and it was such a relief to have the cravings gone 2 years ago...after so many years. In the meantime, I was just working to work and keep my family from going down...and turning his business around during the last 4 years of my Dad's life and dealing with the drug stuff in kids.

Not trying to rehash the past...just to realize it was true...not to mention all the remaining money from property being used by him in Chile. i am an accountant and know that although a good builder, he never estimated high enough (after an Irs audit and years of paying the bills...i have that clear) and he continued in Chile...I don't want to be a mean person, but it is now not tolerable...for a simple but maybe silly reason...he will not come back to our bed nor allow me to go with him anywhere...we did business together for 17 years...I went every day. I don't want to be judgmental, but this hurts deeply--crazy huh? Therapist also says he has probably alienated all the kids by making me into the bad cop (mom did that with dad and me when I stepped in afterwards)...thank you for kindness--I am one of those people who have spent a lifetime seeing the silver linngs...no matter what.

I reached out to my naranon sponsor yesterday and both she and therapist told me if it is too hard (it is emotional abuse, not physical) to go to a shelter.

i am now required to ask my son to use his car...so I did...trying to make it through the interviews...they require prep, research, and going the best I can (i am probably repeating myself).

thank you all...I have the action plan I need to try...and I need to try to get calmer...and give the job interview a try--i have the name of two shelters as of yesterday and that is a step further. I have contacted 3 friends from before going to so. america in 2012 and so they will encourage me from time to time...can't tell all...was brought up that children are to be seen and not heard...didn't realize until I spoke at 47--2 years after dad's death and i spoke -- my husband and mom's new husband had already spoken and mom--who had never said anything before--I accompanied her and listened to her all the 11 years after my dad had his stroke, going to therapists to deal with my grief from my son's death...she never would handle anything hard...husband is the same. I was reprimanded for speaking and reminded that Children are Seen and not Heard.

Then she started running away from me if I talked...when went on ant-depressants during 2nd daughter's crystal meth addiction during high school...took daughters side--still does and calling me a drug addict--my doctor and i were very careful to make sure meds were not addictive,

It almost seems as if I am going through the same experience--abandonment after extreme self sacrifice for loved ones...and I am on short term anxiety because the physiological effects have been so bad on the depression and now the hyperventilation without.

That is why I am trying to calm down and take a walk today--there has been so much to do and handle, but having cast off Thursday and taking a shower with good shampoo that I bought yesterday and I stood up to husband calmly and told him I wouldn't go claim the stuff in towed car unless he treated me kinly and without the bullying that he has been doing. After several childish threats about it will be my fault when we lose everything...he got nicer...and i took him...but again...people will usually get nice when they want something...I had to drive son's car because his license is suspended for a very old before so america ticket...but his blaming words got through to my youngest son...and he had said the same blame.

ok--well--back on meds, ate adequately yesterday...as have been saving money through not buying or eating as much but got scolded so am eating. Then will walk to library to work on blogs that i will get paid 30/ea for--have 3 to do--but will try one--

need to fill out son's papers for med--cal...and try to just ignore husband when or if he continues behavior of the past 3 days. i can be grateful though...his drama and blame and shutting me out and silent treatment pushed me to ask for help and support no matter how icky and crying and shaking i was.

Got so tired, that after doing these things, ended up sleeping from early afternoon through morning.

Thank you again--love to all. I so appreciate the support...and hope that someday i will be clearer and know that my role in this world isn't just to take care of others...to be rejected and isolated when i don't have the strength for me and need support.

I had hoped that working through Mom/Sis would have been enough, but here i am again...and i know that, at least in my case, i have to take the steps that are my steps to take and they come one day or minute at a time. I always know that to work things out, i have to acknowledge my own part in things...but in the case of the towed car, the shotfall on rent and the emotional pushing me around and mental games by changing the story and focusing on the blame instead of the solve is so non-productive.

I have told my husband that when the tax refund comes--I need to safeguard it...but he has the only mailbox key--so ned to get that back. I do have the key to storage...but have not been able to get him to go with me ... a friend will...and then i will need to sell things.

i come to read every day--it is often hard for me to ask for support as I was raised by both parents to be a caretaker--dad to help him--as he was the caretaker--me oldest daughter...and i am glad i could do what I did--and at the end, i am glad i could be there for him in presence--over the last 11 years as he was there for me so many times for me. Being there for mom and husband, siblings and kids was just what i did...i intentionally 'released my siblings' when they chose to stay away from me completely and mom/sis calling me crazy--that's where i learned about codependency and made great strides.

Husband and I did marriage counseling together and things were better for a time--but i have come to realize that the denial and need to scapegoat the person trying to get help and change for the better...especially when one of my underage or young adult children is an active drug user.

Based on the denial of things I have said--feel as if my immediate family all lives in the land of the lotus eaters of denial now--just as my family of origin proved. I know that I cannot crack denial--it is a phenomenon where people literally seem to live in some other world...i can almost experience their worlds but i know that mine does not exist for them...i am invisible.

FeelingGreat

Iris, you're not invisible to us. You are so level headed, still making plans through all this abuse. You'll find that as you begin to go your own way you'll start seeing more respect from your relatives. Don't let it divert you though.

Look after yourself; you're a smart lady, use it to get yourself out of this situation.

irisgardens

Thank you Feeling Great--a bit tired as I did do my major walk to library and got prescriptions renewed. I am goinG to go get together with a Sunday friend group at the coffee shop--write a revised to do list and attack one blog topic if I can overcome my fear.

Eating a bit healthier in past few days--wasn't eating enough as saving money for paying bills...and two days of walking are better--am a very sedentary person...but need to build my energy and be as ready as possible foe the two interviews this week--interviewers can tell when we are filled with vitality and enthusiasm and it helps.

Emotionally detaching from husband and family members (they have detached and been out of contact for weeks--even husband in apt--it is like I don't exist--detaching will help me focus on my tasks for me.

God Bess everyone here--I need to continue to do what is necessary to stay calm and take one step at a time. I say the serenity prayer often and ask my higher power to guide and direct me and give me strength for that which is mine to do and not for things I do to unhealthily caretake others.

Vale

We're here for you, IG.

irisgardens

thanks, duck--so glad we decided that you were better alive than duck dinner or comforter. :-)
you always bring a smile to my face. all others too...yet you just seem to make it easier.

Made it to the sunday coffee shop with long-time aquaintance--she knows story and I have walked alongside her for many years in her marriage but she is good now...so the sunday coffee is a way not to isolate and to share (briefly) and to get a bit of excercise...which I am terrible at doing--sedentary by personality and habit.

Will be driving son to jr college so I can borrow the car and go to state insurance office to finish son's enrollment as part of household and understand how to transition the best for my care which i need to do most immediately.

Weepy but repeating to myself...I do matter, I do matter, I do matter--although it is hard to go on state insurance--never thought i would find myself here...it is doing something to help myself in the interim.

I did not get the blog write done so have turned it over to my hp and asked for strength and help.

Still working on detachment--it is hard with husband--44 years...but he says that he has to focus on work--he started a job today and that he can't show any care aside from that. Can't force it.

Prayers will be welcomed...overwhelmed...but I know that if God brings me to it--God will bring me through it.

Love to all.

Vale

It IS very difficult...but you are not walking alone.

hopeful4

Thinking about you Iris!!!!