beYOUtiful

Dropped AH off at rehab yesterday. Felt like calling his dad and telling him that I think he just wasted his money after I left. AH was being a total jerk. Nearly got himself kicked out before he ever got in - walked off to smoke a cigarette on a non-smoking campus - admission counselor gave him slack since the process was taking entirely too long and they had not gotten him a nicotine patch yet. Probably didn't help matters that he had done heroin, benzos, and drank the night before ("can't come in clean" is what he said to me - mind you that is the same combo he od'd on in Aug, but he "timed the peak effects out" ::rolleyes) Anyway at this point he was very jumpy and restless.

AH was so rude to me that day - couldn't keep his eyes open on the trip to the facility. Then, while waiting, just talking crazy and rudely. Telling me how hot the counselor was, then dropping bombshells about his cheating past (I feel the time period he claims this was in, he would have already told me about though). So, if he was lying about the cheating...why? I guess, he just wants me to move on and thinks hurting me in that way is the only way to get me to move on? Or, is he really just a sick, sadistic jerk? I asked him what he wanted his future to look like. He said, "I want to be sober, have money, and be a good dad." I in turn said, "Ok, so you don't see me in your future." His response, "I have already screwed you up enough. Move on with your life."

He also was talking about my friend's baby daddy who never follows through with what he says he's going to do. I asked, "do you hear yourself? What project have you ever finished for me? (everything is just part done - and I know I probably shouldn't have gone there, but hindsight is 20/20)" He said, "you want the truth? Everyone else's stuff is done. You don't pay. I'm an addict, and I need money." Well...that's truth right there. I just don't understand why? Why would you not ask for help? Why would you not want help? Why would you allow yourself to become a deadbeat dad? I realize I'm not going to have the answers to these questions, but I just feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, alone....etc, etc, etc. ::sigh

I don't want to be on that sort of rollercoaster anymore. I don't think he will ever be the partner I want. So, why can't I seem to let go? Rationally, I KNOW that I have to become a healthy INDIVIDUAL. I know I am just as sick as he is - maybe even worse when I think of the course of our relationship and the things I have put up with. And rationally I know that I can be happy alone, but I also have the fear of being alone forever. Mind you, rationally I know that being alone and happy is better than being in an unhealthy relationship.

Thanks for letting me vent. The stress is really getting to me. I can't focus on schoolwork. Things are okay with the kiddos; I am preoccupied at times, but when I notice I'm zoned out, I just have them repeat what they were telling me and force myself to pay attention. He can't have phone calls or visits for a week, but after our last encounter, I don't know that I should call or visit...should I wait on him to make the first contact? They said I could call the nurses and ask how he's doing at anytime. But, should I bother? Or, should I work on detaching? And how do you healthily detach from someone?

Muunray

detach at this minute

daisy6234

Take this time for yourself. Let the facility deal with his issues. If its an emergency they will contact you. Allow yourself to begin to heal. Hindsight for me was shouldn't of taken the calls. Hardest thing when my son asked to be picked up, laid on the guilt how they weren't helping him, i didn't get him till the appointed time. Not easy to do but i had support saying they know what to do. Its just guilt they like to lay on. Don't accept it. The time goes so fast.

Twofish

Dear BeYouthful,
I'm sorry you have to go thru this and feel the
pain that loving an addict brings to us.
Daisy (above) is correct...take this time to start
to heal YOU! Get your rest, eat something, do
something (a walk or visit a friend) maybe look
into a support meeting?
Your AH is in a safe place and being taken care of,
so please don't go crazy with worry.
What helped me was education on the disease of
addiction. There's more to life than trying to "fix"
an addict, which, BTW, only your AH can do.
What he says to you right now...let it go.
Right now work on "fixing" YOU!! You ARE worth it!!
Gentle hugs and strong prayers coming your way!!
Take care and check out those stickies above!
TF
PS Vent all you want, sometimes it helps to get it out!!

zoso77

Not being with someone is not the same as being alone.

I do not have a girlfriend, which is by design and by choice. But I am far from alone. I have several very close friends. I have a really good family. I have a wonderful job and I work with great people. And what I've learned over the past 3 years is I don't need to have a girlfriend to be happy, or content.

There are plenty of people out there that feel just the opposite; they need to be married or have a significant other. But at what price? You're married, yet look at what you're going through. Is this what you signed up for?