shinebright7

Hi SR Friends,

It's been a long time, but I'm glad to know that you and
this supportive site are always here.

You can probably guess why I'm back...

I'm still living with an active addict and it's been a roller coaster,
to say the least.

The latest, though, is that my husband entered a PHP (partial
hospitalization program) this week and I am trying to catch
my breath and regroup while he's away. It goes from 8:30-3:15
each day and family day is on Saturday morning.

I need a lot of help.

I'm going to Al-Anon meetings again and I'm basically just trying
to take care of myself.

I was reading the suggested reading posts in the Sticky area and
that was really helpful. Especially something I read about focusing
on my work, exercise, social life, etc.

I have let my thoughts about him and his issues consume my life
and I'm just so exhausted and disconnected. I feel depressed. I
feel like an outsider with my friends.

I know it can get better. I'm just at the bottom and need to start
crawling out one moment at a time.

I feel like I need some support to help me get back into my work.
I feel so withdrawn and shriveled up that I am not bold enough to
get engaged again and go find clients so I can bring money in
again -- but I know that my doing that would help me feel really
empowered and more secure.

I caught myself in a fear this morning which is that I'm afraid of
getting excited about and engaged in my life again because it's
just going to blow up in my face again -- which is SO PAINFUL!

So in an effort to prevent that, I find myself just wanting to lay
down and die -- so to speak. To let everything fall apart and just
let it happen. Have a pity party for myself. Not reach out for help.
Just surrender, but in a giving up way.

That way, I can't get hurt again. (Pffft.)

I think it's good that I caught myself in that line of thinking so
I can work through it -- obviously it's not the right decision to
just lay down and die because of my husband's addiction and the
way I've been impacted by it. That's MY sickness talking.

So I need to figure out how to take care of my issues while still
being engaged in my life. Feels hard right now.

But we can do hard things, right!?

So, I'm here right now. I'm glad I reached out virtually. Gonna do
my best to take it one day a time...and one moment at a time
when I'm with my AH who may or may not be benefitting from
his program. Trying to remind myself that it's not my business.

Thank you for listening and for being here. It means a lot.

Fate2012

Shine,

Sounds like you are going through a rough time. I wish I had the answers but I feel like you do as well. I have my good times during the day and other parts im in my office crying. My emotions are like a yo-yo.
One thing that helps me is keeping a journal. I hope your situation improves.

fourmaggie

I am curious why you stopped alanon and here 2 years ago, that says alot...as long as you are with the alcoholic, you will always need alanon for a life time...

so why all the "stinking thinking"? are you reading Melody Beattie--Codependent no more?

i find people just get lazy because its alot of work--on yourself....

take care of you...welcome back...
me? i have never left--5 years

shinebright7

Thanks, Fate. I know we're in this together. Journalling sounds good. I used to do a morning pages style of journalling in the morning where you fill up 3 pages with handwriting -- that's the goal. Just to keep writing. Maybe I'll give it a try tomorrow morning... I hope your situation improves, too. I believe it can. xo

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

shinebright7

Hi Maggie -

When I was going to al-anon I went to like 77 meetings in 80 days. I was on here all the time. I was feeling more empowered and enjoying more serenity. I even chaired a few meetings and one girl even asked me to be her sponsor (I didn't.)

I feel like I got burned out. Even tho I was working on me, I couldn't take the conversation about drugs and alcohol and qualifiers anymore. I just wanted to live my life without those stories.

So, I stopped going. I tried to focus on the positive life. I just wanted to be happy again.

Of course. he didn't change. I went into denial. I tried to act as if it wasn't happening. I put up with his cycle of using. I got more and more withdrawn.

Week of Christmas was a new low for him and for me. No more denial. I need help. He needs help.

Our spiritual advisor encouraged him to get professional help. We talked about it - I'm taking him to and from the hospital. He's on the couch. I need my space in our room. We are a broken couple and are not going to function like a happy couple right now. So, this is where we're at.

I'm trying to regroup and trying to get honest about how messed up I feel. And how I've been so in denial. Knowing but not acting on it. Brushing it off. Classic, right?

Going to an al-anon meeting tonight and glad to be here again. Thanks for your reply and question. I'm glad you're 5 years in and sticking with it. xo

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Whitewingeddove

Sorry you are having a tough time now but glad you found your way back! I don't post anything lengthy from my tablet, as its a pain in the @ss but wanted to reach out quickly to say hello!

Ann

Shine, early in my recovery I too did meetings almost every night and worked on my steps and wrapped myself in my recovery to the point that I smothered myself and, like you, needed to have some part of my life that had nothing to do with addiction.

So I slowed down to a couple of meetings a week, then one a week and SR for some time every day. When inspired, I read recovery books and material and when I needed to "escape" I would read a good novel and just take my mind some place else.

You are wise to get back your support, here and at meetings. But maybe plan a night a week to meet a friend for coffee or to take up a hobby or course about something you enjoy...that IS recovery too, just taking care of yourself in a healthy happy way.

I'm glad you came back and hope that you can work through your issues and decide what you want for your life and then find the courage to proceed on a good course.

Hugs

Readreadread

Life will get better, 1 day at a time... Focus on yourself. I was devastsd when my stbxh chose drugs and not recovery, after therapy, Alanon, sober recovery I realized an old wound that I never dealt with opened up. I have childhood abandonment issues that got retriggered by the whole mess. I felt like I couldn't survive. Guess what, I am still alive and actually content. Things are far from perfect, but I have learned how to live peacefully regardless. Take extra good care of yourself....

glitterdeva

I just wanted to say that I feel exactly like you, I could have written this post. What an amazing place this forum is You are not alone. I don't know if it gets better and when (it seems that it got better for many here), I am also in this deep depression, I too don't want to get up and live life, I am afraid this all will blow up. I am afraid to live life. I read posts here every day, sometimes I read something someone says and I wish I felt that - that acceptance, peace and serenity. I hope that if I do the work and pray and don't hurt anyone else, it will come? It has to, right? We were not put on this earth to suffer for other people.

shinebright7

Thanks for making the effort to connect even from your tablet!

I'm glad to be here...and I'm already feeling better thanks to my Al-Anon meetings, HP, and efforts I'm taking to take care of myself this week.

Man...I've been so out of touch with myself for the last few months. Scary really.

Now that I'm feeling some alignment again, it just feels so much better. Ahhhh....

shinebright7

So interesting to hear how our Al-Anon journeys were similar. Thanks so much for sharing that.

I love your suggestion to focus on other things that are also part of taking care of myself. I found myself making a list this week of things I could do on each day of the week -- but Al-Anon was not on every single day. Yay!

Also, now that I'm going back to meetings (and I go to several around town depending on when it works for me) I notice that I don't want to be at the meetings with cross talk. I used to go to any meeting that was happening because I felt like I needed it. But this time around, I want to go to only the meetings that I really love. So that also reduces the number of meetings I'll be going to each week.

I'm gonna stay open to what kinds of hobbies or outings I might take. Maybe tea with a girlfriend on one night. There's 3-part workshop starting next Wed. at my meditation center, so I'm going to go to that...

I think this is going to be great and a lot more sustainable this time around.

Thanks again, Ann!

shinebright7

Awww. I get what you mean about old wounds. That's also part of why I didn't want to keep going to Al-Anon in the past -- not only did I not want the conversation of addiction constantly in my face, but I also realized that my codependent ways started wayyyyyy back when I was a little girl when some inappropriate things happened with me. Also my dad was a compulsive gambler and exhibited tons of unhealthy addict behaviors in our family.

Many a time throughout my marriage with my AH I have been retriggered to the point of feeling so much anxiety that I was just bawling in bed and freaking out. It touched a place of pain in me that I never wanted to feel again. Al-Anon didn't make me feel that pain place, but I felt a lot of shame and self-hatred for being in the position I was -- feeling so messed up from all the years of codependency and abuse and blah blah blah. I just had to get away from the conversation.

This time around I'm going to try to be more gentle with myself. I think I can do it now that I know what to watch out for.

I'm really glad to hear that you're able to take better care of yourself now. I'm gonna aim to do the same. <3

shinebright7

Glitter -- Not happy to hear that you've been feeling the way that I've been feeling. UGH! It is so hard to feel so disconnected from life.

I wrote this post maybe three days ago...and today I was actually SMILING in my Al-Anon meeting. I couldn't believe it! Yesterday I was singing in the car. Whaaat!? Who is this girl and what have you done with the depressed version? haha

I'm still haven't gotten back into my work and being totally engaged with my life...but I'm starting small and I'm getting engaged with ME. I don't know how it happened except to say that maybe I am getting STEP 1 a little?

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

What else to do but surrender!?

After yesterday's Al-Anon meeting, I realized that I was gonna need to be in this program for the long haul. Just like an addict, without the support of the program, my thinking becomes messed up and I wind up feeling stressed out -- especially living with an active addict.

So I dug out the rest of my Al-Anon books from the garage and brought them up to a shelf in my bedroom. I decided I'm going to start journaling about my daily readings and/or the steps. This felt like a big deal because I was accepting the program of Al-Anon into my life...into my bedroom. And something about this just made me feel more hopeful.

It was all about step 1 though...I can't do anything about the addict. My life is a mess. I need help. This program can help me, so I'm bringing it closer to me.

Today I went and got two new tires for the car without consulting my AH. Wow! It was so much more peaceful than listening to him blab about all the things he thinks I need to know about tires. I don't want to make decisions with him right now, so I didn't! I educated myself by talking to the guy at the store -- it was very liberating.

I did a whole lot of "nothing" this week to an outsider...but my smiles today and little changes in the way I feel show me that my resting, going to meetings, being with my cat, etc. are paying off.

Hope you keep sharing your journey here. <3