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-   -   X is back in jail (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/357712-x-back-jail.html)

auroraxborealis 01-26-2015 12:45 PM

X is back in jail
 
My X's sister texted me today to say that X had a hearing--continuing from last July where he had a number of missed UAs (he went to treatment instead of jail).

He had another missed UA and was taken into custody. That's all I know. His family thinks he will serve the rest of his time. Probably 17 months.

My heart hurts for him. I know he's sick. He's a good guy with a bad problem.

Guess no contact will be easier now, huh?

I just don't know what to think. I'm not surprised. But I am sad. I hope he learns.

zoso77 01-26-2015 12:48 PM

I'm not surprised, either.

But it's not your problem, Aurora.

auroraxborealis 01-26-2015 12:59 PM

I know it's not.

That doesn't make me less sad.

hopeful4 01-26-2015 01:05 PM

I am sorry. It is very sad.

Many hugs to you.

zoso77 01-26-2015 01:06 PM


That doesn't make me less sad.
Well, if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. But as someone who doesn't have a dog in that fight, I look at him and I see a person who has no desire to become a responsible adult.

All he had to do, Aurora, was to do those hearings. He chose not to. Well, now he pays the price. As well he should.

glitterdeva 01-26-2015 02:40 PM


Originally Posted by auroraxborealis (Post 5162884)
My X's sister texted me today to say that X had a hearing--continuing from last July where he had a number of missed UAs (he went to treatment instead of jail).

He had another missed UA and was taken into custody. That's all I know. His family thinks he will serve the rest of his time. Probably 17 months.

My heart hurts for him. I know he's sick. He's a good guy with a bad problem.

Guess no contact will be easier now, huh?

I just don't know what to think. I'm not surprised. But I am sad. I hope he learns.

Jail was the best thing that happened to my AH and I believe is the only reason he is still alive. He would get really bad with heroin, mess up and go to jail - same term, about 18 months here, a year there. In jail he would sober up, 'realize' what he has done, start attending AA/NA, reading, coming back to life. He would make all these promises to himself, only to come out and think that hey, maybe this time will be different. Maybe I can use just a little bit and be ok. And the same cycle continues until next jail term (this time AH is in rehab, don't know how it will go). By the way, 3 days after AH served his last 2 years, he went and used. And i have boxes of letters from him how he is not going to use and this and that. Jail is like a forced break from using for them.

He is your X for a reason :( I would just let him be. After 17 months he is gonna have to get out and again deal with life on life's terms :(

auroraxborealis 01-26-2015 02:53 PM

Yeah. It's really easy to plan things until they happen. Like when I plan on how I'm going to spend my birthday money, and when I get it I totally forgot why I ever thought I would be responsible with it.

jjj111 01-26-2015 05:08 PM

Aurora, I'm sorry. It is sad to see someone we care about get themselves into such a mess. Going forward, do you think you will want to continue getting updates from his family? I know in my case, when trying to get over exes, hearing about them always takes me back a little in my progress. There's nothing wrong with telling his family you are working on moving on and would prefer not to hear, if that's what you want. Just a thought.

FeelingGreat 01-26-2015 05:11 PM

If he can't make his dates, then probably jail is the best place for him. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but (hopefully) it will act as a circuit breaker.
I understand your feelings. I still care what happens to my ex, even though I also feel detached from it.

auroraxborealis 01-26-2015 07:58 PM


Originally Posted by glitterdeva (Post 5163159)
Jail was the best thing that happened to my AH and I believe is the only reason he is still alive. He would get really bad with heroin, mess up and go to jail - same term, about 18 months here, a year there. In jail he would sober up, 'realize' what he has done, start attending AA/NA, reading, coming back to life. He would make all these promises to himself, only to come out and think that hey, maybe this time will be different. Maybe I can use just a little bit and be ok. And the same cycle continues until next jail term (this time AH is in rehab, don't know how it will go). By the way, 3 days after AH served his last 2 years, he went and used. And i have boxes of letters from him how he is not going to use and this and that. Jail is like a forced break from using for them.

He is your X for a reason :( I would just let him be. After 17 months he is gonna have to get out and again deal with life on life's terms :(

This isn't X's first rodeo, either. He could be back on the ride.

He was using before he went to jail when I met him. He was sober when we got to know each other, and he was sober when he came home from prison. He relapsed within a few months. My only exposures to addition are from those in recovery. I honestly had no idea what I was up against.

auroraxborealis 01-26-2015 08:00 PM


Originally Posted by jjj111 (Post 5163524)
Aurora, I'm sorry. It is sad to see someone we care about get themselves into such a mess. Going forward, do you think you will want to continue getting updates from his family? I know in my case, when trying to get over exes, hearing about them always takes me back a little in my progress. There's nothing wrong with telling his family you are working on moving on and would prefer not to hear, if that's what you want. Just a thought.


That might be best, but I'm not ready for that now. Thank you. I will keep this in the back of my mind, because it might be something I decide to do.

cynical one 01-26-2015 08:39 PM

Try to think about it as he is getting another chance to find a better way. Jail puts a stop to the current run they are on. If he chooses to take advantage of the system he can get help through Drug and Alcohol classes and if he talks with his caseworker and public defender they can arrange to have him evaluated where he might end up in court ordered rehab instead of serving his full time. At the very least, there is a chance that he will be able to allow his body and mind to heal for a while.

auroraxborealis 01-26-2015 09:45 PM


Originally Posted by cynical one (Post 5163933)
Try to think about it as he is getting another chance to find a better way. Jail puts a stop to the current run they are on. If he chooses to take advantage of the system he can get help through Drug and Alcohol classes and if he talks with his caseworker and public defender they can arrange to have him evaluated where he might end up in court ordered rehab instead of serving his full time. At the very least, there is a chance that he will be able to allow his body and mind to heal for a while.


That's exactly how I think about it. He's been in instituitons or rehabs all his life. He knows the material, he just gets in his own way. Like I said, when I met him, he was sober. He sobers up in there. It's being an adult outside where he runs into trouble. I could list a hundred reasons why I think this is true, but it doesn't make it more or less true. It just is.

He's 28. He wants a family. More kids (he has one child). He needs to grow up. I hope that this being so close to his last treatment, he wakes up. He knows he's getting to old for this sh*t.

His sister updated me: he is in there awaiting sentencing. I have no doubt missed his UA because he knew it would be hot. He could have asked for help then, but didn't. Just like before.

Family dynamics make it so hard for him, because many members of his family use, some of which have addictions of their own and some don't. His family is so important that I don't see him being able to stay away from them, even if that's what's best. But OTOH, both his parents are in recovery, so he's got models within his family. He's got support. He just needs to do it.

His prison sentence when I meant him, he was recommended to complete drug treatment. He did not. He said part of it was because he already knew the material (this is true), partly because his sentence length and triaging on the DOC's part of who gets what program (this could be true), and partly because he didn't think he needed it (this is not true). Hopefully this time he will take advantage of the opportunity he has been given.

Now. Me? I'm still down here for work. If anyone has followed my story, my field of work we get hired twice a year: once for this gig that I'm doing now, and once for the other 8.5 months of the year. I was not picked up by the office I had been in for the last two years for this gig. I am now in a new office, and so far it's been going really well. I miss my old coworkers, and sometimes new new ones drive me insane (one is SUCH a talker!), but overall it's going well. Definitely less stressful than my last position. And it didn't seem to turn out too well for my previous boss. They have a good staff in my old spot, but I have a sneaking suspicion it is NOT who they wanted. And one of my former coworkers always gives me a quick hug and tells me how missed I am.

In all honesty, I wasn't happy with where I was at, but pressure from my parents and my own conscience kept me there--I get paid very well for my age, get great retirements and benefits, and it's not too busy most of the year. I wouldn't be able to find the pay for the same job anywhere else, and I have a LOT of student loan debts. But I always felt like I was doing something wrong, and I was always second guessing myself. Much of what was expected of me depended on my superiors' moods that day. My gig now has the same retirement, benefits, etc., just a new boss and staff. The only downfall is that it is only through the end of this three month term. Come spring, I'll have to worry about finding a new job. But getting thanked everyday for doing my job makes me think I'll be able to secure a glowing letter of recommendation at the end of this job.

Anyways, I said all that to say that the parallels between work and my love life are not lost upon me: I was dumped/fired. Replaced by someone less experienced/sick. Told by coworkers how much I'm missed/X will probably do the same once he sobers up in there. Because seriously? I'm the best that he's ever had. I am. His track record is mostly full of other users, junkies, and sick people. (Ugh, judge much, Aurora?) I know it was maniuplation on his part, but he told me his counselor said I was the one to compare his future partners to, to find someone else like me.

I can't get my brain to process the end of my relationship as it does the end of my job and the change for the better.

You know how we wait for them to be DONE? I'm not done yet. I know I'm not. I'm sorry.

cynical one 01-26-2015 11:24 PM

Once they get to the point of having an institutionalized mindset, it seems they become just as or even more addicted to the lifestyle as they are to the drugs.

For them, time stands still, but society passes them by the longer or more frequently they are locked up. Life on the inside doesn’t involve being accountable or responsible. They’re told what to do and when to do it. So in many ways it’s easier. Sometimes I think they intentionally self-sabotage knowing what the consequences are. And, yes it is sad.

But, we only get one shot at this thing called life, and we need to make the most out of it for ourselves. You’re smart, you have ambition, you have a good job and are making your way. Maybe he will catch up with you someday. But, maybe you’ll have to move on without him. You’ll know when the time is right.

auroraxborealis 02-01-2015 04:01 PM

X's older sister and I were texting on Friday night. She's the one that moved out of state last fall. She asked if I heard what happend to X? I said yep. She wrote she was glad we weren't together anymore, I am better than him, and he's never going to learn. As she sent that I was typing I would rather not talk about X if that's ok. She said ok and we moved on. I don't even know if she meant that he was back in jail or something else (he had court earlier that day). She and X get along sometimes, but mostly not. I think her spidey sense is in tune with him, because as soon as I started to realize something was happening, but I couldn't figure out what, the two of them started fighting. Well, that was when he started using. She could tell something was up, too.

Vale 02-01-2015 04:20 PM


Originally Posted by cynical one (Post 5164056)
Once they get to the point of having an institutionalized mindset, it seems they become just as or even more addicted to the lifestyle as they are to the drugs.

For them, time stands still, but society passes them by the longer or more frequently they are locked up. Life on the inside doesn’t involve being accountable or responsible. They’re told what to do and when to do it. So in many ways it’s easier. Sometimes I think they intentionally self-sabotage knowing what the consequences are. And, yes it is sad.

But, we only get one shot at this thing called life, and we need to make the most out of it for ourselves. You’re smart, you have ambition, you have a good job and are making your way. Maybe he will catch up with you someday. But, maybe you’ll have to move on without him. You’ll know when the time is right.






Cynical......that is SO spot on.


.....and what AuroraxB said: "I honestly had no idea what I was up against." ---makes for another perfect reflection of this
god awful mess called addiction................

James86 02-13-2015 11:46 AM


Originally Posted by auroraxborealis (Post 5175590)
X's older sister and I were texting on Friday night. She's the one that moved out of state last fall. She asked if I heard what happend to X? I said yep. She wrote she was glad we weren't together anymore, I am better than him, and he's never going to learn. As she sent that I was typing I would rather not talk about X if that's ok. She said ok and we moved on. I don't even know if she meant that he was back in jail or something else (he had court earlier that day). She and X get along sometimes, but mostly not. I think her spidey sense is in tune with him, because as soon as I started to realize something was happening, but I couldn't figure out what, the two of them started fighting. Well, that was when he started using. She could tell something was up, too.

I can totally relate to you and I'm so glad I found your posts. My addict ex (substance abuser) also left me 8 months ago (after being together for 7.5 years) to be with another drug addict. I talk to his sister regularly and she tells me similar things -- I deserve better, she wants nothing to do with him, etc. I still want that relationship with her though. I'm not able to give that up yet, if ever. I still hope (probably a little too much) that he'll realize his mistake and come after me. Like how can someone just leave after 7.5 years and never look back? I actually kicked my ex out after finding out he cheated on me with this person and lied to me about A LOT of things in the span of a month. He went running right into the arms of the guy he cheated on me with. And my ex now lives with his new man and that kid's parents. I say kid because he's 19. My ex is 26 and I'm 28. They have NOTHING going for them -- they shoot up dope and only have a car, a roof, and phones because that kid's mother pays for it all. She's also paying for my ex's lawyer to get him out of selling charges that happened a year ago. I hope he goes to jail to be honest. I think he needs it. Maybe it'll be a wake up call. But the court proceedings are taking forever and from what I hear, he thinks he'll get probation. Silly since he was on probation when he got arrested for it.

Anyway, I don't mean to rant. But a lot of what you said I felt related to me. It gave me a bit of comfort knowing someone else feels the same way as me! I hope we can chat more. And I hope you're doing a bit better.

auroraxborealis 02-13-2015 01:03 PM

Thank you.

I feel like I'm in a dream now in limbo.

I signed up for email notification of X's custody status when he went to jail last summer. I got a notice when he went to jail for this post. I knew he was going because his sister. I was told he would get 6-months halfway house and two years extended probation. I never saw a notice he was moved out of jail, so I looked up his case online. His PO submitted a report of X's actions since his release from prison a couple years ago.

It's so strange to see an outsider's narrative. My X was supposed to be taking classes for behavior and drugs, which he did not fulfill. There are many missed drug tests, but a few negative ones when he was given ones on immediate order. He also was supposed to see counsellors for mental health therapy.

The PO stated that while there are many positive steps X had taken, his failure to comply with his classes, lack of stable employment, and ongoing mental health and substance abuse issues have been a detriment to his success.

Agreed.

I knew this was beyond me. X tried explaining to me that this had nothing to do with me. I never thought that any of these things were my problem, but as a couple, I thought they were our problem. They're not.

It still just breaks my heart. Things come easy to me. I'm smart. I have a good family support structure. I'm educated. I'm independent. I was given a lot of chances that my X never got. Maybe that has something to do with all this, and maybe not.

X has a lot of work to do. I wrote a list of things I would expect to see before I would consider reuniting with him. They included things that one would expect out of a responsible adult (employment, sobriety and recovery, compliance and completion of probation, commitment, etc.). Whether he gets there is up to him.

I love X. There are many things I am thankful of him for. He had been worth every minute of this, because it has given me an opportunity to evaluate myself.

I'm realizing that I don't have to prove it to him. Sometimes I feel like I should do things for him because it will show him just how much he means to me, and how much I do care and love him. But I know my truth. And doing things for myself that I can thank him for will keep him in my heart.

I just wish it could have been.

zoso77 02-13-2015 02:31 PM


I wrote a list of things I would expect to see before I would consider reuniting with him.
Aurora, here's a piece of unsolicited advice from someone who knows a thing or two about breakups and the difficulty of moving on.

You say the following things about yourself:


Things come easy to me. I'm smart. I have a good family support structure. I'm educated. I'm independent.
I believe it. But what I fail to understand is why someone with your attributes would even consider leaving a door open for your AXBF.

I understand you love him. I understand how his choices have hurt you. It's not easy to see someone we care about self destruct.

At the same time, life is short. Love is not a life sentence. And I can tell you with a pretty high degree of confidence he will never, ever change. Ever. To change requires a high degree of honesty and an ever higher degree of motivation. There is nothing you have shared about this man that indicates he's honest or willing to work to become a better, healthier, accountable adult. Nothing.

If you want to hang on to some shred of hope that he'll change, that's your choice. But if you're smart, educated, have a solid family structure and independent, you may want to find someone that augments and compliments those attributes instead of sucking your soul out of you.

Vale 02-14-2015 01:28 PM

Perfect,Zoso!

Zoso is harsh.
Zoso is correct.

We want so dearly for these truths to be incorrect.

Alas, they are not.


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