auroraxborealis

Me, too.

jjj111

Aurora, I know you're still struggling, but I think you have come a long way from when you started posting. You see that he is in a cycle of destructive behavior that will be very hard for him to break, and you have thought through some very reasonable boundaries for yourself with this list of things you need in a relationship. I've heard people say that boundaries are best if they are about us, so not "he must comply with probation" but "I will not be with someone who isn't complying with probation." This way, it's about protecting you and not trying to fix him. Anyway, I wrote a similar list of changes I would need in order to proceed with my AXBF, and it ended up being pretty helpful to me, only because I realized pretty quickly how unrealistic it was to think he was going to meet those expectations.

auroraxborealis

Thank you. I probably could have reworded my list better, but yes the same point you made. I do not want to be with someone who can't hold a job, doesn't complete terms of probation, isn't responsible, etc., etc.

I think a part of me feels guilty or ashamed of leaving him behind. And I would be money on it, if asked, he would say he would want me to move on and not be stuck in this place I'm in. How come I can't listen? I've been in such a funk these past months, and if he knew it were in part of his actions, I bet he would say he wouldn't be worth the energy I've put into thinking about him.

I also bet if I entered into another relationship, he would be happy for me, and wish me the best. I wish I could say the same about him and his new gf. It's just that I believe it's going to end up in a disaster.

I hate that he can't see what I see. And I hate that I can't see what I should see.

auroraxborealis

I also think it is pretty cruel to get upset that he isn't meeting the expectations that I set, when they are unreal in the first place. I struggle with that a lot.

jjj111

Have you ever read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More"? It really is a terrific book. One of the things that I learned from it is the concept of "detaching with love". I really struggled with feelings of guilt about withdrawing from people I loved who were on a destructive path, and it was such a relief to me to know that I could set boundaries in a loving way. Somehow I always felt that letting someone know that I had to limit or end my contact with them because the relationship was causing me pain meant that I would be getting upset/angry with them, which then made me feel guilty and kept me stuck. But I realized that it was possible to tell someone "I need to protect myself from the choices you're making" while maintaining a loving attitude toward them.

auroraxborealis

Yes, last summer. I need to reread. Thank you for the reminder.

FeliciaM

Arora - I am so in this boat with you. Intellectually I know better, I love my AXBF. He is in rehab, I know where but I will not contact him. This is his time to focus on what he needs to do. He'll be sentenced in April on DUI charges, minimum 1 year, max 5. I want to move forward. Its been difficult. Know that you are not alone. Best wishes to you.

JOIE12

Zoso and Vale .... so true

Aurora ... please read the stickies about codependency. It's not easy reading but it may help you. I wish you peace with this. Each person finds the truth when they are ready. I think we can sense that you are not yet. And that's okay so long as you are safe and able to manage.

We have all been where you are. And want nothing but good things for each other. We wish we could spare you the pain that we went through but we can be here and listen and offer advice/thoughts as often as you need to post.

Please take care of aurora.
Hugs,
JOIE

zoso77

Aurora...

Mind you, I'm not trying to be harsh towards you.

I have nieces and nephews that are probably your age or a bit younger. When I see someone such as yourself struggling with what you're struggling with, what I ask myself is if it were my nieces and nephews going through this, what would I tell them? And when I frame the question within that context, my protective instinct kicks in.

You've suffered enough. There is so much out there for you, and I don't think you're fully aware of what opportunities you have. If you were, your AXBF and the hold he has on you would be much less powerful.

Doesn't mean you don't love him, or you won't always love him. But what it does mean is instead of him taking up a full book in the course of your life, he'll only take up a chapter.

This is a roundabout way of saying I care about what happens to you. Be grateful for the gifts you have, take advantage of those gifts, and live your life.

Vale

"I also bet if I entered into another relationship, he would be happy for me, and wish me the best. I wish I could say the same about him and his new gf. It's just that I believe it's going to end up in a disaster."

Pretty much a sure thing if addiction is part of the picture.

How sure??

About as certain as the sun rising tomorrow.