Asked husband to leave today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Asked husband to leave today
I have been stressing about many things--but since finding the emails between my husband and another woman and processing for so many months while scrapping by to pay the bills and realizing finally that he has spent all the money--and that I have been very foolish--but the new meds are kicking in--I have asked several times for his rent contribution with no action, and speaking to my daughter over the phone for her 22nd birthday and telling her she is the only one wh can make her life better..I asked husband to leave today.
I am not mad--in fact--I have trouble getting mad--I tend to sad--but I know that he has broken every single agreement he has made for at least 8-9 years while spending my savings.
I need all the strength I can give myself and today was the day--he tried to manipulate me to the end of the month due to puttin $600 towards $1,695, but I calmly stated that that wasn't enough and that he needs to be gone,
He is an excellent manipulator, is 63 and has been drinking since he was 16. He has made promise after promise...then acts like he doesn't remember 60 seconds later and makes up dumb reasons to blame me and others...all others except those under his manipulative thrall--which lasts until he makes them feel sorry for them, gets loans from them, dorsn't pay anything back--never acknowledges those people again--so i know what to expect for myself. therapist has been very helpful. if anything, i am over responsible and so have spent a lot of time pondering whether i have been too rigid and truthful and blaming myself--but i need to move forward--can't change the past and even the present is so hard--need to let him find someone else to care for him--or to do whatever.
Believe this is progress--need to dress for an interview.
I am not mad--in fact--I have trouble getting mad--I tend to sad--but I know that he has broken every single agreement he has made for at least 8-9 years while spending my savings.
I need all the strength I can give myself and today was the day--he tried to manipulate me to the end of the month due to puttin $600 towards $1,695, but I calmly stated that that wasn't enough and that he needs to be gone,
He is an excellent manipulator, is 63 and has been drinking since he was 16. He has made promise after promise...then acts like he doesn't remember 60 seconds later and makes up dumb reasons to blame me and others...all others except those under his manipulative thrall--which lasts until he makes them feel sorry for them, gets loans from them, dorsn't pay anything back--never acknowledges those people again--so i know what to expect for myself. therapist has been very helpful. if anything, i am over responsible and so have spent a lot of time pondering whether i have been too rigid and truthful and blaming myself--but i need to move forward--can't change the past and even the present is so hard--need to let him find someone else to care for him--or to do whatever.
Believe this is progress--need to dress for an interview.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Yikes...
Well, I'm sorry that it had to come to this. But I'm not sorry about you doing it.
Be aware in the hours and days to come, he will escalate. Hold firm. Don't fall or respond to any of his crap.
Keep us in the loop going forward.
Well, I'm sorry that it had to come to this. But I'm not sorry about you doing it.
Be aware in the hours and days to come, he will escalate. Hold firm. Don't fall or respond to any of his crap.
Keep us in the loop going forward.
Wishing you the best for your interview Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Iris, I am sorry for your sadness but this has been coming for a very long time and I think your therapy and courage has brought you to a brave and healthy place.
Most times when a marriage ends, it's like closing the door on an already empty room. He hasn't brought anything good to this relationship for a very long time and you deserve so much better.
Deciding to leave the past behind opens your future to wonderful new beginnings that are waiting for you, just beyond sight around the next corner.
You are strong and brave and smart...you will be fine!
Hugs and Hugs
Most times when a marriage ends, it's like closing the door on an already empty room. He hasn't brought anything good to this relationship for a very long time and you deserve so much better.
Deciding to leave the past behind opens your future to wonderful new beginnings that are waiting for you, just beyond sight around the next corner.
You are strong and brave and smart...you will be fine!
Hugs and Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
thank you to all--he has already been escalating since i found out--is furious and has been--he has always been a silent treatment person and because i reached out to 2 people--because quite honestly after 44 years together--if he would just try to find a job and contribute a bit to the bills but today told me he 'can't find a job' and when i told him i had offered to send him things that he could do he lashed out again and said he didn't want to do them and i couldn't make him do what he doesn't want to do.
i then shut up again--as he is blaming and doesn't remember anything i do--i do have a very accurate and visual memory--so when he blamed him not saving any money from the property sales in his home country--in may-june of 2012--but denied everything else--realized again that it is very ended.
having said that--he took me to two interviews--and a covered ca appt for him--which ended up with a very nice hispanic lady showing me what i have to do to get he and my 20 year old son covered by 2/15--will do it tomorrow.
i am not supposed to drive myself--doctor's orders until cast comes off--so i thanked him and asked him to stay and he said he would until it comes off. therapists since may 2014 have all said that i have a very selfish and sel-absorbed family and as i get ready to pay this month's rent tomorrow--i am still anxious despite medication--but i got it together for the interviews--therapist has asked me to call her daily--which i am doing and seems to believe that over the years i have been working to pull it together for all--there has been a lot of parental alienation and with all the kids adults and the lack of support and blame over the last 2-3 years--that the relationships have been set and that there isn't anything i can really do for any of them...and i finally know this is true--and i prefer not to say anything additional as i am emotional and need to compartmentalize that for interviews in accounting.
my meds doctor has known me for over 14 yeats and told me it is all going to be hard and i know that to be true now...but will continue to take the baby steps forward and to work on not blaming myself for everything which has become the norn and when blamed by others -- i just presume it is all my fault and apologize--therapist told me that i am a very rational and willing person--and tha i need to stop putting myself down and not standing up for myself with family as they are working very hard to get me compliant and i am not going to be able to be that person as those who like me and respect me can see that i am a very strong and caring woman and i do not want to die acting compliant when i have done all i can do...and in my heart i know this and will continue with my baby steps forward every day i can and i can much more than i could in sept.
i did talk to my addict daughter for her 22nd birthday yesterday -- had called twice in the past week but she only returned the phone call yesterday...also got her dad on the phone with her. i will go to the city on sunday to see her if she keeps her commitment--asked husband to go but he said no so will take public transportation.
thank you to all for the encouragement and well wishing as i follow the advice given to me in june with my first panic attack--that i have to learn self care and like many wives and mothers have left it for last. the alcohol and drug use in the family haven't helped but i realize i cannot help anyone and hopefully i have laid my longer term work on myself clearly and that it is clear to more than just me that i am taking the harder steps than those i have taken before...
i am scard and afraid, but i cling to the saying that one sweious duck gave me--i do matter; i do matter; i do matter. god is helping me even on the days i cannot see results and as i regain a bit of energy and continue my own recovery work -- i am very grateful for so many things and i am proceding in faith, prayer and my sr report as i slowly start over and take one minute at a time.
i rejoice in kind people as i have found here and reconnecting with a very few long-term friends as i emerged (and still am) from the desperate efforts that did aid me in getting a job to get me out of husband's home country--the macho that he so readily re-adopted after 38 years here and the incessant drinking that is what the men do. i knpw noe that he needs to blame everyone including me for his failures and lack of keeping promises and although i still feel sorry for him mixed with the love that was so strong until i realized that he simply isn't going to tand up and fight for our marriage and that i can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do--so even though i took a step forward; then backwards today--i am spiritually more healthy than i have been for several years and i am taking actions that are actually overwhelming but need to get done even if i am crawling as mlk quoted.
i am able to make 'to do' lists again and calendar more realistically again which is a critical ability for any work i do. i still need a lot of rest and accept that. i am not forgetting as much of the short term stuff which is a relief--have always been a visual notetaker.
am more or less being very respectful to husband with the exception of some angry, needy outbursts over the past several months but i know he is not capable of showing up and his actions have made that clear--so as hard as it is fir me to let go of things, i am doing it.
the family has chosen to interpret my depression as something quite different because it allows them to blame it all on me and not be accountable. it has been good to experience my codependency therapist pick up on that right away--and i was gratified that 5 professional colleagues from the past 6 years were very happy to give references--took me a few months to have the courage to ask.
i hope that each of you can tell that i continue to listen, read your posts, keep on trying and if at first i don't succeed try until i get it down.
i have a telephone interview tomorrow and just keep asking my higher power to put the words in my mouth that will lead to the right outcome for me and company--one interview at a time.
i also want to admit that in the past few years when i was pushed completely against the wall with no support from family--i tried to set boundaries with them by 'telling my truth'--i have been blaed for those emails and every time something comes up--those emails are broughy up although I apologized.
ok--apologies fr the novel and thanks for listening--having dealt with adult cild issues for 12 years, i was taken by surprise by all of this--but i finally wasn't strong enough to handle it all--especially as my adult child work (in depth) taught me what the natural outcome would be when i ran out of strong--but still had to process it and will continue to do so.
as for the visit with 22 year old heroin addict--will continue to hold on the no money, no living wit me, and unfortunately due to her actions and manipulations last year that were part of my learning more about my weaknesses but also that i can be easily manipulated--no buying big and expensive meals--a cup of coffee.
thank you--ann--i truly appreciate your depth of recovery--and the encouagement--zoso--your drect emails won't make me concise but i do listen and rely on my higher power to lead me to the actions that are mine to take.
all others--love you dearly.
i then shut up again--as he is blaming and doesn't remember anything i do--i do have a very accurate and visual memory--so when he blamed him not saving any money from the property sales in his home country--in may-june of 2012--but denied everything else--realized again that it is very ended.
having said that--he took me to two interviews--and a covered ca appt for him--which ended up with a very nice hispanic lady showing me what i have to do to get he and my 20 year old son covered by 2/15--will do it tomorrow.
i am not supposed to drive myself--doctor's orders until cast comes off--so i thanked him and asked him to stay and he said he would until it comes off. therapists since may 2014 have all said that i have a very selfish and sel-absorbed family and as i get ready to pay this month's rent tomorrow--i am still anxious despite medication--but i got it together for the interviews--therapist has asked me to call her daily--which i am doing and seems to believe that over the years i have been working to pull it together for all--there has been a lot of parental alienation and with all the kids adults and the lack of support and blame over the last 2-3 years--that the relationships have been set and that there isn't anything i can really do for any of them...and i finally know this is true--and i prefer not to say anything additional as i am emotional and need to compartmentalize that for interviews in accounting.
my meds doctor has known me for over 14 yeats and told me it is all going to be hard and i know that to be true now...but will continue to take the baby steps forward and to work on not blaming myself for everything which has become the norn and when blamed by others -- i just presume it is all my fault and apologize--therapist told me that i am a very rational and willing person--and tha i need to stop putting myself down and not standing up for myself with family as they are working very hard to get me compliant and i am not going to be able to be that person as those who like me and respect me can see that i am a very strong and caring woman and i do not want to die acting compliant when i have done all i can do...and in my heart i know this and will continue with my baby steps forward every day i can and i can much more than i could in sept.
i did talk to my addict daughter for her 22nd birthday yesterday -- had called twice in the past week but she only returned the phone call yesterday...also got her dad on the phone with her. i will go to the city on sunday to see her if she keeps her commitment--asked husband to go but he said no so will take public transportation.
thank you to all for the encouragement and well wishing as i follow the advice given to me in june with my first panic attack--that i have to learn self care and like many wives and mothers have left it for last. the alcohol and drug use in the family haven't helped but i realize i cannot help anyone and hopefully i have laid my longer term work on myself clearly and that it is clear to more than just me that i am taking the harder steps than those i have taken before...
i am scard and afraid, but i cling to the saying that one sweious duck gave me--i do matter; i do matter; i do matter. god is helping me even on the days i cannot see results and as i regain a bit of energy and continue my own recovery work -- i am very grateful for so many things and i am proceding in faith, prayer and my sr report as i slowly start over and take one minute at a time.
i rejoice in kind people as i have found here and reconnecting with a very few long-term friends as i emerged (and still am) from the desperate efforts that did aid me in getting a job to get me out of husband's home country--the macho that he so readily re-adopted after 38 years here and the incessant drinking that is what the men do. i knpw noe that he needs to blame everyone including me for his failures and lack of keeping promises and although i still feel sorry for him mixed with the love that was so strong until i realized that he simply isn't going to tand up and fight for our marriage and that i can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do--so even though i took a step forward; then backwards today--i am spiritually more healthy than i have been for several years and i am taking actions that are actually overwhelming but need to get done even if i am crawling as mlk quoted.
i am able to make 'to do' lists again and calendar more realistically again which is a critical ability for any work i do. i still need a lot of rest and accept that. i am not forgetting as much of the short term stuff which is a relief--have always been a visual notetaker.
am more or less being very respectful to husband with the exception of some angry, needy outbursts over the past several months but i know he is not capable of showing up and his actions have made that clear--so as hard as it is fir me to let go of things, i am doing it.
the family has chosen to interpret my depression as something quite different because it allows them to blame it all on me and not be accountable. it has been good to experience my codependency therapist pick up on that right away--and i was gratified that 5 professional colleagues from the past 6 years were very happy to give references--took me a few months to have the courage to ask.
i hope that each of you can tell that i continue to listen, read your posts, keep on trying and if at first i don't succeed try until i get it down.
i have a telephone interview tomorrow and just keep asking my higher power to put the words in my mouth that will lead to the right outcome for me and company--one interview at a time.
i also want to admit that in the past few years when i was pushed completely against the wall with no support from family--i tried to set boundaries with them by 'telling my truth'--i have been blaed for those emails and every time something comes up--those emails are broughy up although I apologized.
ok--apologies fr the novel and thanks for listening--having dealt with adult cild issues for 12 years, i was taken by surprise by all of this--but i finally wasn't strong enough to handle it all--especially as my adult child work (in depth) taught me what the natural outcome would be when i ran out of strong--but still had to process it and will continue to do so.
as for the visit with 22 year old heroin addict--will continue to hold on the no money, no living wit me, and unfortunately due to her actions and manipulations last year that were part of my learning more about my weaknesses but also that i can be easily manipulated--no buying big and expensive meals--a cup of coffee.
thank you--ann--i truly appreciate your depth of recovery--and the encouagement--zoso--your drect emails won't make me concise but i do listen and rely on my higher power to lead me to the actions that are mine to take.
all others--love you dearly.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Iris, I am glad to hear you sounding stronger and more sure of yourself. You are a good woman and deserve to be happy.
I really liked what Ann said, about the end of a marriage sometimes like a door closing on an already empty room. That is so true. And being with yourself can sometimes be the most satisfying of all relationships, when you are at peace.
hugs to you. Your counselor is doing well by you, I think.
chic
I really liked what Ann said, about the end of a marriage sometimes like a door closing on an already empty room. That is so true. And being with yourself can sometimes be the most satisfying of all relationships, when you are at peace.
hugs to you. Your counselor is doing well by you, I think.
chic
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The difference between "then" and "now", Irisgarden, is that you have become stronger, you know what you need and you are working toward making a better life for yourself through employment and healing physically and emotionally.
The past doesn't matter, what you did or what he did or what anyone did or didn't do, because it's not about blame or shame and we cannot change the past, it's about moving ahead to a healthy lifestyle and happier life.
You DO matter, your dreams matter, and you are doing very well at doing what is right for you.
Hugs
The past doesn't matter, what you did or what he did or what anyone did or didn't do, because it's not about blame or shame and we cannot change the past, it's about moving ahead to a healthy lifestyle and happier life.
You DO matter, your dreams matter, and you are doing very well at doing what is right for you.
Hugs
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Iris I predict that you'll be amazed at your strength and resourcefulness once you become independent. I've been in this situation in my personal and working life. You learn to defer or depend on others, but once you're on your own you discover many inner resources. I think you'll thrive without your family draining your finances. This will lead to growing self-respect and confidence.
I'm sure your family will eventually learn to respect you more as well, for your strength and for valuing yourself.
I'm sure your family will eventually learn to respect you more as well, for your strength and for valuing yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear IG,
I just now saw this, and I'm so sorry my friend that you are in any pain from how your husband is treating you and disrespecting you. Be brave and strong! I just went through a similar situation when my 30 yr marriage ended...but you know what? This pain and its intensity IS temporary, the intensity will ease up some and the memories will eventually, be part of yesterday, believe me, it will happen.
I really like what Ann has said, IG, he wants out, has left the marriage and doesn't seem to care anymore...
You're fortunate to have a support system in place, plus you have a couple thousand friends here who support and care about you!!!
These are only words right now...they will make some sence to you as time passes, I promise!
Until then, know we are here for you and care about you!
Hugs to you my friend!
TF
I just now saw this, and I'm so sorry my friend that you are in any pain from how your husband is treating you and disrespecting you. Be brave and strong! I just went through a similar situation when my 30 yr marriage ended...but you know what? This pain and its intensity IS temporary, the intensity will ease up some and the memories will eventually, be part of yesterday, believe me, it will happen.
I really like what Ann has said, IG, he wants out, has left the marriage and doesn't seem to care anymore...
You're fortunate to have a support system in place, plus you have a couple thousand friends here who support and care about you!!!
These are only words right now...they will make some sence to you as time passes, I promise!
Until then, know we are here for you and care about you!
Hugs to you my friend!
TF
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