emmireu

Hello! I was hoping that someone out there might have some insight on this topic....

I moved out of the home I shared with my opiate addicted boyfriend. We have been together for than 6 years. I was so sad and we both cried. I still talked to him for about a week after and still told him I loved him, but would not come back unless he got help. I deserve better, and we deserve better. My therapist said I had to hurt him to help him. And he agreed that he did not want to live like this anymore. His family had also given him tough love and cut him out and off completely. Reality was sinking in.

Then I didn't hear anything for weeks. I panicked and reached out to his best friend who has been very supportive. A week ago he let me know that he found out that my boyfriend was in rehab or a detox center.

This is great news! He is choosing life and healing.

Yet, I was so sad that I didn't hear anything from his family. Not even a little message to let me know he was safe. And what happened to our dog??? He has been my partner and friend for over 6 years!

(sidenote: the reason I have not reached out to the family for information is that before and after I moved out, they blamed me for his addiction and sent horrible and harassing texts that threatened me. I later heard from my bf's best friend that they did this so I would leave him)

I have not talked to my boyfriend in 30 days. This is the first time I have even gone 30 days no contact. I feel stronger and know that I am safe and getting the help I need to take care of myself. I know that he is safe and getting the help that he needs. However, I still love him and miss him terribly. I also want answers. I feel like I deserve to know.

It's been about 2 weeks since I talked to his best friend, and at the time he had not heard anything from my bf. And I really want to keep healthy boundaries in place so I do not spiral down and become this creepy stalker (have you heard anything today!?)

My questions are:
Is that it? Will I ever hear from him again? 6 years and then he vanishes?
What kind of program are there where you cannot connect with the outside world? Or is this what they recommend- that you do a complete lock down. Should I just hope that he will resurface at some point?
Should I reach out to his family for information?

If anyone could provide any guidance I would be so appreciative.

I feel like I am in a weird limbo.

zoso77

emmireu,

Let's take this bit by bit.

Honestly, I don't know. There is something you should understand, however. Because he's been on opiates for 6 years, you don't know him. All you have experienced is what he is like under the influence for 6 years. The person you were with for all that time is not the same person when you take the opiates away.

It's facility dependent. Some hospitals with detox units will allow contact with the outside world on a daily basis. Others don't. As for what you should hope, what I'd like to see is you taking the focus off him and putting it on yourself.

No. Why?

The sort of behavior from anyone is simply unacceptable. They only way you should have anything to do with them from this point forward is if they apologize for their behavior. That's a low probability event, so screw 'em.

Six years is a good amount of time, but what you have to understand, emmireu, is if he's serious about recovery (which remains to be seen), he will not have the bandwidth to be a committed, mature, responsible romantic partner. So what I would encourage you to do is step back and begin the process of both healing yourself and learning how to live your own life without anyone.

emmireu

Hi Zoso, thank you so much for breaking it down like this. I do want to heal and grow, and I know how important it is that I learn to be alone and do things on my own....because I can.

I just felt so weird-like, now what? That's it? Like a door had just been slammed in my face. All the love and what we shared , boom, done. It's a process, most definitely.

Thank you again for taking the time.

zoso77

emmireu,

You may have a hard time absorbing this at this particular moment, but this is important.

What you two "shared" was no doubt very real to you. After all, you were there. But he was on opiates for all of it, and when someone numbs themselves on opiates, their true core...their true personality...is suppressed. In the event he gets clean, it's going to be an extremely scary experience for him. Cravings, post acute withdrawal syndrome, having to sit with what he's feeling instead of numbing himself...this is what he's up against. And I can tell you that having seen it up close and personal, it's not a pleasant thing to watch.

It is precisely because of this that he's not going to be able to be what you want or need him to be.

In the days and weeks to come, your emotions are going to be all over the map. You may go from deep, dark depression one day to rip roaring p!ssed off at him the next. And that's OK and natural. The important thing for you is to regain some balance in your life without him, and that will take time.

Look for other posts where our members discuss moving on. It can be done, providing you continue to do what is best for you.

Justincredible

Hey emmireu,

You sound positive and that is a good thing. This is a good time to really get to know yourself and re-evaluate your situation. Self discovery is always a good thing.

Concerning your bf in rehab, they may have advised him to sort himself out first before connecting with you but I do find it odd, no letter, email, nothing for 30 days. I would give it another couple weeks, and if he is finding recovery I know doing the right thing would become very important so contacting you should be a top priority.

Keep us posted, and Zofo had some great advice.

Stay strong and welcome to SR.

emmireu

Self reflection and evaluation have been very difficult recently. Understanding my contribution and what I have willing given up and lost to this mess has been glaring. I have a lot of anger (RAGE) and a lot self-loathing. I am so thankful for people like you to guide me and remind me to be patient and kind to myself. It's helping me balance.

My family and friends understand who he was in my life, but saw what I couldn't because I had blinders on. Their good riddance attitude has been difficult for me. I'm pretty raw.

I do not regret leaving. I had to do what was best for me, and I had to live my life. Then there is that other voice in my head....I do hope I hear from him. This is all just so weird!

I cognitively understand the steps I need to take and why I feel the way I do- It's just the emotional side that's brutal. I know it will get better, I just have this never ending list of questions and what if's- annnd I know that with time that will slow down too. I want to break this circle, I'm exhausted!

Thank you Justincredible and Zoso! I will also check out the moving on posts.