Gut Feeling or Gun Shy?
 

I was riding the single; I'm busy; I travel a lot; and am unavailable- train for sometime now. I've maintained counseling but stopped going to meetings and logging in here primarily due to being busy I guess. But wait all of you are busy too, so must be something else. I think I just need periodic breaks from so much over analytical introspection.

So I find myself back here in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Still adjusting from another trip and many positive life changes. I recently started seeing someone for the first time in a very long time. Of course, I was gun shy but as time went on, I let down my guard. The relationship has been amazing, and for some reason, I am having doubts. Is it my intuition or is it ptsd?

All seems great, except that I am starting to pick up addict behaviors and my Codie brain is being triggered. Yes, I already know to get back to self-care, and right now that means getting some sleep. I know he drinks and I don't have an issue based on what I've seen, but there might be more to it than alcohol. I have no hard evidence and don't want to accuse, but there is maybe some warning behavior like occasional withdrawal, moodiness, ADHD, and work obsession. How do I proceed without just running the other way from what seems to be so far so good. Am I just being triggered or?

Thanks for posting. I can relate to a lot of what you say, sometimes wondering about the same stuff.

It's not easy to learn from past experiences when you also try to learn to trust and enjoy the moment again.

B&B...what is your gut telling you?

Zoso - how did you gain back your gut feeling ? (Sorry for baiscally assuming here, that some of it got "lost" in the BPD shuffle)

Zoso- my gut feeling was that I was going to have trouble trusting again, and that I was willing to try. I believed I at least trust myself enough to act with grace, integrity and self-preservation. Entering a new relationship seems to be a big issue for all of us here at one point or another. I was not looking for this. I know it sounds so cliche. How do we really ever know if we are ready? I'm not sure we do, but my panic button sure was set off.

I don't think I necessarily lost it. What I didn't do was pay attention to it, for a bunch of reasons.

When I got together with my AXGF, I was in a very vulnerable state. So while I was aware that something wasn't quite right, that awareness took a back seat to what was positive about her.

At the end, though, when she did what she did, I knew exactly what I was dealing with and responded accordingly. The lesson I learned was when your gut is telling you something, pay attention. That lesson is reflected in how I respond to posts here and in other aspects of my life.

The reason I think we don't pay attention to our gut at times is because it's too hard. We may notice something strange about someone, but we rationalize it somehow as not being a big deal. The whole physical/emotional intimacy of sex, especially early in a relationship, tends to drown out things like that. But when those observations reach a critical mass after not paying attention to them, that's when we get bit in the arse.

Make sense?

Yeah. I can understand that.

Do you think you're able to step away from it for a bit?

Thanks Zoso!

I think the struggle for me is to figure out, which feelings are "feelings from the past" and which feelings are "gut feelings". it's like getting into a car again after having been in a car accident. You know you're a good driver, you know the statistics, but your feelings tell you "something isn't quite right here - wanna get out of the car".

Blackandblue - maybe this is what you mean by "trusting yourself enough again".

Ugh. I'm scared to get back out there. AXBF messed with my head and my heart so badly. He has been gone three months. Even though I do feel a lot better, some people may say it's too soon to start dating again. Part of me wants to and the other part of me almost gags at the thought of it. And now my therapist recently pointed out some deep-rooted issues I have that she believes will hold me back from letting go of my anger towards AXBF. So if I can't let go of that, how can I have a healthy relationship with someone else?

I don't have an answer to your question. I just wanted to respond to let you know I am wondering the same thing!

I think for me, after I got clean and saw that I needed to get out of a five-year relationship with an exabf, I needed to be on my own for at least a year and gain some perspective on what I wanted from a partner. I'm still not perfect at the picking-of-a- partner thing, but I no longer date anyone in active addiction. Not for one day. My current bf and I are both in long-term recovery. I have 7 years clean, and he has 13 years. Both of us are ultra-vigilant. We attend meetings almost every day, though not the same ones very often. We both have separate networks of same-sex fellow recovering addicts to talk to. We both have sponsors and work steps. Neither one of us would be in a relationship with an addict that wasn't doing all of those things. Both of us know that if we're not in the business of recovery, we're on the way to relapse. Active recovery is as obvious to us as active addiction is. And neither of us will accept anything less from ourselves or our partners.

Good question. I think I can and its more a matter of figuring out what I want and proceeding with eyes wide open.

Well, maybe it's a good time to do just that.

5 months after my last post, and my gut was right. I just ended this somewhat new relationships a couple of weeks ago. I went 100% no contact and every day gets better. I am deeply grieving this on top of other recent loss of loved ones and life events.

On top of that, I came face to face with my own mortality recently after contracting a severe travel illness. I have since recovered mostly, and the biggest challenge is the mental, emotional, and spiritual crisis.

I am going to start this by saying, I am very happy that I saw the signs early enough before it got any worse. In this time, I was out of town for at least half of our relationship so it was easier to ignore red flags that came up early on.

This turned out to be a cocktail of a personality issue, workaholism, alcoholism, likely cocaine and other recreational/party drug abuse, pathological lying, cheating likely, and evidence of volatility heading toward potential physical violence.

And all of this was hidden under a veil of a professional, succeessful, seemingly confident, loving and charming facade. This time, I can see right through it and it only took me months - not years this time. Next time - I will see this on day one of meeting someone.

Is it that we must become so strong, whole, and loving of ourselves so that someone like this will not even be attractive or attracted to us? I would rather not talk about him or his behavior. But more so I would like to look at the inevitable attraction between these two archetypes and the repetition of this cycle/pattern of the victim/abuser or addict/the rescuer.

I am so ready to rise above this, and I see that this relationship was an opportunity to put into action what I had learned from my previous AXBF. Thoughts? Help!

BaB...

Sorry to read that you we're ill. I myself am recovering from surgery, and my mother passed away two days after that. So I can empathize with coming face-to-face with your own mortality.

Well, this represents progress, doesn't it? You paid attention to your gut, it was right, and you cut the cord. BAM!! Done.

What I encourage you to do is look at every event sui generis. You've learned what you've learned, and put it into practice going forward...

Thanks for the encouragement Zoso. Sorry to hear of your loss as well and hope you are on the mend from surgery.

After a couple of weeks since I cut the cord, I am confident I made the best decision to protect myself. This time, there is no doubt. Still hurts like hell.

Well, that's part of being alive. And that'll pass... :)