Karrets

Hiya all
I kept getting letter from AH in prison saying how much he is missing me. In the end I buckled and wrote back saying I wish you well but we are on separate paths now. I got another letter yesterday which was very sincere and that he had finally woke up and reduced to 20ml methadone and is TRYING with his drug worker to get into rehab.
I was so angry that for 4 years he had just had this revaluation 2 weeks before he is due to be released with no home etc. I wrote back to him telling him that I was seeing someone else for a short time cause I know that will finish it cause he would never forgive me for that. I also told him that nothing has changed from the last time he attempted rehab and said he woke up then and dissappear for 6 days. I don't feel quilt for seeing this other man as I had been starved of love and affection for 3 years and I told him that too.
I'm worried that I will get two responses 1. That I'm a cow for seeing someone else. 2. He will want to forgive and forget and go to rehab.
I feel I take 1step forward and 2 steps back. I do love him but I love myself and my daughter first. I just can't seem to break this final thread and is killing me.

zoso77

Karrets...

I understand why you're seeing another man after your experiences with your AH and all that trauma. In your own words, you've been starved of love and affection for 3 years. With that being said, I don't think it's in your best interests.

When we're vulnerable, or we're wounded, we're often susceptible to doing things that make us feel better in the short term but may stunt us going forward. Especially when we're dealing with loss and grief. In my experience, Karrets, when we're emotionally empty, other people can't fill us back up. So be aware of this going forward.

Regarding your AH's letters, they are words and that's it. It's his actions that led him to where he currently is, and his actions are all that matter.

Karrets

Thanks zozo I was hoping you would reply. I ended it with the other man a while back and we are just friends. I know he wants more but I can't do it.
I woke up this morning wanting to get the letter out of the post box cause for the first time ever I didn't protect his feelings. Which is a scary massive step for me. Thank you for your understanding. I put in the letter do rehab complete it and make amends to the people you have hurt. I expect he will think I'm the horriblest person in the world but I needed to be honest and for him to realise the effect on what he has done

zoso77

There's a saying you'll hear in AA sometimes. Paraphrasing, it's none of my business what you think of me.

Your AH will think and feel what he thinks and feels. It is what it is. Your job is to manage yourself and to protect your daughter.

Hawkeye13

As you said Karrets, it is interesting he had his "revelation" two weeks before being released homeless, isn't it?


"Your job is to manage yourself and to protect your daughter"

zozo is right, as usual

Karrets

Yes it is hawkeye. I don't want to hurt him bit I feel I had to be honest with him. No doubt he will go on the full attack

jjj111

Karrets, it sounds like you know you want to be done with the relationship but don't trust yourself to be firm and finish it. You say that you told him you have slept with someone else because you hoped that might cause him to be done. Why try to manipulate him to be done when you could make up your mind to end it yourself? Maybe you need to think about what it would look like for you to be done? What actions would it require of you? Stopping reading his letters might be a start. Why not just throw them in the trash? It seems like they are just keeping you engaged in conversation with him and feeling stuck. Always remember: no is a complete sentence. He can't force you to stay involved if you have made up your mind to let it go.

Karrets

Jjj I think you have hit the nail on the head.
I have left it open again. Problem is I still love him... I even hate the fact I write that. I know I can't go back to that life.. I won't. I guess the letting go is the hope one day in the future he may change but I don't know that. I need to get real. I really struggle with making firm decisions it's like I need him to let me go so I can move on. I wish I could have that power and belief in myself

Muunray

Scares me that you say that- he is not going to let you go. Hostage.

Karrets

Munray I do feel like a hostage but it's not him who is doing it. I'm now doing it to myself. I am in counseling for this. I frustrate myself

Hawks

It's ok to love someone and let them go.

Think about it, it's actually easier.

I love you but I can't live with you or be with you!!!

That's OK to say that.

Don't worry too much about the future, find your way on the way.

Things will work out if you have a little faith.

Txhelp

Hawks is right....love isn't always healthy. It's ok to feel that way. You owe him nothing. Give yourself space to grow. He needs the same.

hopeful4

Karrets, he has proven in the past he will say things you want to hear. Problem is, he does not follow through.

I wish you and little Karrets all the best, always!

zoso77

You know, Karrets...you don't need permission from anyone to do what's best for you.

Yogagurl

BRAVO! I needed to read this!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for this thread!

Karrets

Thank you everyone. I hate this constant unease feeling bit I guess I have to ride that out after the years of emotional abuse its not going to be plain sailing. I am proud of the fact I was honest and didn't believe the words. Think I'm getting stronger

Karrets

Can you expand YG

glitterdeva

Oh, boy, your post brings up bad memories for me I can relate totally to what you are feeling. I have boxes and boxes full of letters from AH how things will be different, he is going to be a man this time and almost every letter mentioned how he will not survive without recovery program and how he will run to AA/NA as soon as he gets out of jail (he was serving 2 year sentence for a stupid chit he did while on heroin). Anyway, I was like a flower - just growing in this wonderful garden of how it will be different, how happy we will be, how I will be the most happiest woman on earth, how this healthy, changed, wonderful man is coming home soon. Yes. 3 days after he got out he stole $60 from me and got high And another 2 year crazy train took off. Yesterday AH went to rehab. I will not be reading his letters this time and I told him so - do not write me any letters. Words mean absolutely nothing, especially when coming from an addict. Only action.

hopeful4

Karrets, I remember where you usto be in your situation. Sometimes we don't see it ourselves, but I must say, your recovery is shining through. I am proud of you. Even though you don't feel completely calm, you are definitely on the right road!!!!!

Karrets

Hopeful that made me cry. Thank you.
Glitter I too have that box. I'm not strong enough to not read his letters but in the one I sent sat I said if you are going to write back attacking me save your paper and take a long look in the mirror cause I'm not intrested