Not taking it personal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
Not taking it personal
It is so much easier said than done. I just can't seem to get passed this. Knowing that ex addict bf is living with a girl he just met crushes me. I was a loyal girlfriend and mother of his child for three years. It makes me thing even his two years sober were just a joke to him. He threw me and my daughter away like a piece of trash when he used to love us so dearly. I imagine them sleeping in bed together (ex and new "gf") and being happy and her just fawning over him. I just want to message her so bad. I don't think she shows that he is an addict. I want to tell her to carry the anti overdose drug. I want to tell her to check on him at night. I want to tell her that she could be contributing to his death if she continues to unknowingly enable him. I know he is there because he had no where else but I can't help but think what if he falls in love with her and gets better and my dreams of a family are crushed forever.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Willow...
You and I have something in common: both of us have been kicked in the teeth by an addict. What makes your situation a lot more difficult than mine, however, is a child has also been affected. I wish I can tell you when what you're feeling will subside. But I can't. Everyone heals at their own pace.
That said, I want you to be aware that abstaining from drugs is not the same as sobriety or recovery. If someone's not using drugs, but their behavior is as f'ed up as it's always been, that's not recovery. Recovery is, in part, learning to take responsibility for one's choices and behaviors, how it has affected others, and how it has affected themselves. Someone in recovery would not do what your AXBF has done in the manner in which he did it.
No, what he did is all about indulgence and gratification, which is the hallmark of addict behavior and has nothing to do with you. And the moment the new girl doesn't tickle his pleasure center the same way is the moment she starts down the road you've been on.
So, I empathize. I really, really do. And what I told myself after I got kicked in the teeth was there was no way in hell I was going to allow a sick person get the better of me. I used my anger as motivation to get back on my feet and to recover. Then, I let it go.
Be patient with yourself. You have to grieve, and while that sucks, there's no avoiding it. You've experienced a loss. And as long as you don't fight what you're feeling, you will eventually get to a place where what he did doesn't injure you as badly as it initially did. Trust me on this...
You and I have something in common: both of us have been kicked in the teeth by an addict. What makes your situation a lot more difficult than mine, however, is a child has also been affected. I wish I can tell you when what you're feeling will subside. But I can't. Everyone heals at their own pace.
That said, I want you to be aware that abstaining from drugs is not the same as sobriety or recovery. If someone's not using drugs, but their behavior is as f'ed up as it's always been, that's not recovery. Recovery is, in part, learning to take responsibility for one's choices and behaviors, how it has affected others, and how it has affected themselves. Someone in recovery would not do what your AXBF has done in the manner in which he did it.
No, what he did is all about indulgence and gratification, which is the hallmark of addict behavior and has nothing to do with you. And the moment the new girl doesn't tickle his pleasure center the same way is the moment she starts down the road you've been on.
So, I empathize. I really, really do. And what I told myself after I got kicked in the teeth was there was no way in hell I was going to allow a sick person get the better of me. I used my anger as motivation to get back on my feet and to recover. Then, I let it go.
Be patient with yourself. You have to grieve, and while that sucks, there's no avoiding it. You've experienced a loss. And as long as you don't fight what you're feeling, you will eventually get to a place where what he did doesn't injure you as badly as it initially did. Trust me on this...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by wiltwillow 
Zoso, your words are always so soothing and give me hope. Thank you for being here for me.
I encourage you, if you haven't already, to start attending Al Anon. What made things click for me, in terms of not personalizing what my AXGF, was listening to others talk about what they went through. I met women who had stories similar to, for example, Ann's. The things that Ann's son put her through can only be viewed and understood through the prism of addiction. Those in active addiction or alcoholism will behavior poorly towards anyone: a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a significant other. And they do so without conscience. Once that clicks for you, it will stay with you. And while it may not make you feel any better, at least you'll know and understand what your AXGF did had absolutely, 100% nothing to do with you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Over the last 15 years I can honestly say I have never once seen or heard of an addict still in active addiction who moves on to the next one in line cleaning up and going on to be the perfect mate. Never. Once.
Anyone can be on good behavior long enough to reel someone in, but sooner rather than later she will see exactly what you have seen. And, as soon as she too becomes a buzz kill...meaning trying to come between him and his drugs, he again will move on.
With that being said, sometimes in life we don't get a return on our investments. Hopefully, he will find a better way and go on to lead a productive and fulfilling life and become a great dad. Wish him well, say a prayer, let him go. And, most of all KNOW that you and your daughter deserve so much more.
Anyone can be on good behavior long enough to reel someone in, but sooner rather than later she will see exactly what you have seen. And, as soon as she too becomes a buzz kill...meaning trying to come between him and his drugs, he again will move on.
With that being said, sometimes in life we don't get a return on our investments. Hopefully, he will find a better way and go on to lead a productive and fulfilling life and become a great dad. Wish him well, say a prayer, let him go. And, most of all KNOW that you and your daughter deserve so much more.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Listen to Cynical.
(Never.Not once!)
You (willingly or unwillingly) sucessfully survived emergency egress from a
doomed ship. This woman of which you speak.....the one that (in your mind)
won the prize-----she is still strapped in and riding it in.
I say this not in jest, but in deadly earnestness.....
Pray for her. She is going to need it.
This NEVER ends well. I know it is FAR too early for you to appreciate
this.....but your future is not his.Be very, VERY grateful for this gift.
A high powered bullet just missed your head by inches.
(Never.Not once!)
You (willingly or unwillingly) sucessfully survived emergency egress from a
doomed ship. This woman of which you speak.....the one that (in your mind)
won the prize-----she is still strapped in and riding it in.
I say this not in jest, but in deadly earnestness.....
Pray for her. She is going to need it.
This NEVER ends well. I know it is FAR too early for you to appreciate
this.....but your future is not his.Be very, VERY grateful for this gift.
A high powered bullet just missed your head by inches.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex married his uncle's widow six months after I left him. They are not soul mates. He needs someone to take care of him so that his addiction can continue unabated and she stepped up because of whatever codependent payoff she is getting out of enabling him. Her late husband was an alcoholic and drug addict so that is her idea of a relationship.
Don't romanticize this. It is not true love. It is two sick people who are clinging onto one another so that they can feed their respective diseases.
I have spoken to her once after he put her on the phone. She swears she has never seen him in a drunken rage, that she knows I was the problem and I was abusive to him. All manner of quacking and nonsense. She is an adult making her own decisions. She has to hit her bottom just like I finally did.
As far as praying for her, I don't bother. I do pray for her daughters, who are now learning that this sick behavior is normal, and that they should put up with literally anything in order to have a man in the house. I pray for my son because my ex is trying to get visitation with his auntwife supervising.
Their relationship is not a fantasy or a fairytale. It is a byproduct of addiction. Nothing more.
Don't romanticize this. It is not true love. It is two sick people who are clinging onto one another so that they can feed their respective diseases.
I have spoken to her once after he put her on the phone. She swears she has never seen him in a drunken rage, that she knows I was the problem and I was abusive to him. All manner of quacking and nonsense. She is an adult making her own decisions. She has to hit her bottom just like I finally did.
As far as praying for her, I don't bother. I do pray for her daughters, who are now learning that this sick behavior is normal, and that they should put up with literally anything in order to have a man in the house. I pray for my son because my ex is trying to get visitation with his auntwife supervising.
Their relationship is not a fantasy or a fairytale. It is a byproduct of addiction. Nothing more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I am sending you many many hugs!
I was with my Xah for @ 16 years, married for 8 and had 1 beautiful son together. He was my "soul mate" and my best friend. Little did I know that my "soul mate" was cheating on me, snorting coke and basically treating his family like dirt. Once found out (very shocked) we divorced within 3 months. We never communicated, sat down and talked like adults. nothing. one day here and the next day gone. He went back to and stills lives with (4 years later) the girl he cheated on me with. Um, I was devastated. MY family was destroyed, my son lost his father, and I was all the sudden a single mom. I cried and cried and cried. Oh, and cried. It hurt SO bad. In fact, the drugs I can deal with, but the cheating is painful. Such a betrayal.
The only advice I can offer is let yourself feel. It is ok to feel the pain, but you will get through it. I did. It still bothers me, but not anything near like before. I did lots of yoga, meditation and watched lots of stand up comedy. I wrote in my journal, I talked to my friends, I talked to myself. I spent a lot of time alone thinking about things. Now, almost 4 years later I feel more spiritual, grown up and happier. I actually found my self esteem. I never had any when I was with him. I see him and I will say that yes, I still do wish us to be together, BUT I also realize this is a dream. What I want from him he cannot give. You see, I want a man. A grown up. A person who treats people with respect. A person who has self esteem. A person who can take care of himself. A father who would do anything for his son. A man who puts his family first. A man who makes me feel special. He does none of that. He never did. I see him now differently. I see him as a childish and sad guy. He is so immature and irresponsible I wonder if he will ever grow up. He lives off his charm. He is always funny and the life of the party. He is known as the "nice guy who would do anything for anybody" although these people have no idea he abandoned his wife and child.
As far as interacting with the other woman, DON"T!!!!!!! It won't lead to anything good. The truth will always come out. Right now you have to focus on you and getting through this pain while still bringing a smile to your child everyday. I waited to put my son to bed, and then cried all night. I lost 30 lbs. in 2 months. You can't worry about him anymore.
You will be ok and get through this, I promise! Be strong for your child, but let yourself feel!!!!
I was with my Xah for @ 16 years, married for 8 and had 1 beautiful son together. He was my "soul mate" and my best friend. Little did I know that my "soul mate" was cheating on me, snorting coke and basically treating his family like dirt. Once found out (very shocked) we divorced within 3 months. We never communicated, sat down and talked like adults. nothing. one day here and the next day gone. He went back to and stills lives with (4 years later) the girl he cheated on me with. Um, I was devastated. MY family was destroyed, my son lost his father, and I was all the sudden a single mom. I cried and cried and cried. Oh, and cried. It hurt SO bad. In fact, the drugs I can deal with, but the cheating is painful. Such a betrayal.
The only advice I can offer is let yourself feel. It is ok to feel the pain, but you will get through it. I did. It still bothers me, but not anything near like before. I did lots of yoga, meditation and watched lots of stand up comedy. I wrote in my journal, I talked to my friends, I talked to myself. I spent a lot of time alone thinking about things. Now, almost 4 years later I feel more spiritual, grown up and happier. I actually found my self esteem. I never had any when I was with him. I see him and I will say that yes, I still do wish us to be together, BUT I also realize this is a dream. What I want from him he cannot give. You see, I want a man. A grown up. A person who treats people with respect. A person who has self esteem. A person who can take care of himself. A father who would do anything for his son. A man who puts his family first. A man who makes me feel special. He does none of that. He never did. I see him now differently. I see him as a childish and sad guy. He is so immature and irresponsible I wonder if he will ever grow up. He lives off his charm. He is always funny and the life of the party. He is known as the "nice guy who would do anything for anybody" although these people have no idea he abandoned his wife and child.
As far as interacting with the other woman, DON"T!!!!!!! It won't lead to anything good. The truth will always come out. Right now you have to focus on you and getting through this pain while still bringing a smile to your child everyday. I waited to put my son to bed, and then cried all night. I lost 30 lbs. in 2 months. You can't worry about him anymore.
You will be ok and get through this, I promise! Be strong for your child, but let yourself feel!!!!
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