AmVeBe

Hi All,
I am in love with an addict (Roxy's & Xanax) and I have 1 last chance to try to get through to him so.... If someone has said or could have said anything to get through to you when you were in denial what was or woud it have been???

*Side Note*
I have studied drugs, alcohol & addiction extensively both for my degree and for personal reasons so I am fully aware that "you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped" & I know I "need to take care of myself first" (hence the "1 last chance" comment).

Soberwolf

You will get a lot more replies posting here Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Here is a link to Nar-Anon where you will get a lot of support http://www.nar-anon.org/

Nice to meet you good luck

Dee74

I took the liberty of moving your thread here AmVeBe

welcome to SR

D

AmVeBe

Thank you Soberwolf.
It is my understanding that Nar-Anon is for friends & family which is not what I am looking for. (I'm sorry if that makes me sound like a B.. that's not my intention) I NEED to hear suggestions from an addict's perspective. Nobody can tell me how an addict is thinking better than an addict correct? If I post to Friends & Family will I only get responses from people that have never been an addict? This is one of those... I need it "straight from the horse's mouth" kind of situations if that makes sense. Again, I apologize if I come off sounding rude, offensive or anything negative bc that is NOT what I want.
Thank you again for the links & I will check them out to help with MY healing as well.

Dee74

As an addict and alcoholic myself I had many heart to hearts with concerned people - I had pleadings, I had ultimatums, I had tough and I had some co-dependent harm minimisation.

The only thing I never had was an intervention.

I have to be honest - I thought I could drink and drug and be 'ok' - nothing anyone said or did had any effect at all until I was ready to admit I had a problem and needed to stop.

D

Dee74

There are many 'double winners' in the FFSA forum with experience from both sides...and many more of us addicts and alcoholics who pass through and comment...

but if you want me to move it again to Substance Abuse forum, just let me know

D

Twofish

Dear AmVeBe,
Welcome to this SR Forum. We have alittle of everything here!
Many of us may not have been addicted to drugs or alcohol (some are in recovery), however
many of us ARE addicted to our addicts and there constant manipulative, unforgiving disease.
What I learned is that you can't fix your addict or talk them into
giving up their DOC, that's something only they can do and only when they're
ready to embrace their recovery.
Can you talk a diabetic out of the disease of diabetes? Just don't eat?
Can you talk an addict out of the disease of addiction? Just don't use?
There's your answer. But what you can do is take good care of you.
Once and if your addict gets into recovery, all on his own, he just may
appreciate the fact that you took care of yourself.
Take care and take a look above at the stickie!
TF

incitingsilence

Trying to talk to someone in denial, it like running into a concrete wall repeatedly head first.

It was when everyone stopped talking, stop pointing out, stopped trying to do something to “save me” … that was when I started paying attention to the choices I was making. The choices themselves a real learning experience.


I have to ask, haven’t you said it all already? Haven’t you said it at least once?

If you have something you really feel you need to say, write a letter and let it go.

If you need to just say something, say I love you, but I will make it my priority to take good care of me. And do just that!

And if you do truly understand that no one can make or say anything to get him to get help and you still have this overwhelming need to try something, anything … then maybe it is time to look within and find out why.

Good luck.

chicory

Hi AmBeVe,

I am curious ... why do you have one last chance to get through to him?

I hope you have been reading a lot of the personal stories here.

It is so sad and frustrating , to see someone you love under control of a substance. Usually, they won't stop until their lives become unmanageable. Same goes for us too...we don't stop trying to change them until we see that it is impossible.

Its so sad. I wish you and your bf the best. Boundaries speak louder than words, in my opinion. Take care of you.
chicory

Lily1918

As a recovering opiate addict who is married to a recovering heroin (same thing, scarier word) addict.... I'm not so sure that you really want to hear the truth, but I will try.

There's nothing you can say. There's nothing you can do.
You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot change it.

Imagine that the one you love ate candy bars their whole life and developed diabetes. Now, imagine that they keep eating sugar anyways even though they gave themselves a disease. Imagine trying to cure diabetes. You can't. Even the doctors can't. You can tell that person they can't eat the chocolate all you want. There is chocolate everywhere, at every gas station, grocery store, movie theatre etc. Just like all substances, candy comes in hundreds of different forms, so they will justify "you said I couldnt eat snickers, you never said anything about gummy worms" as you sit there enraged at them for finding a loophole.

Addiction is a family disease. I understand wanting to hear from an addicts point of view. I was the same way. Many of the family members here have never used drugs. That is very true, but they have been in the game long enough to know how to survive the seventh circle of hell that addiction brings to anyones life.

My suggestion? As an addict? Well... It's called chasing the dragon for a reason. What do dragons do? They steal, devour, and destroy anything and everything that stands in the way of their treasure. It is not wise to go out hunting down dragons, but if you do, expect to get burned or eaten alive.

Twofish

AMEN Lily! Thank you for your very wise words above! I learned again from our
family at SR. You put the answer to LIFE!
XXOX
TF

hopeful4

If you have studied addiction extensively I would think you realize there is really nothing anyone can do to make someone get clean. Not one dam$ thing or we all would have do it already.

Good luck to you.

GracieLou

*crickets*

There is nothing. The person has to want to do it on their own. Period.

You can say what you want and you can do what you want but I am telling you there is nothing anyone could have said or done that would have caused me to stop if I was not good and ready to stop on my own.

Sometimes it appears that placing an ultimatum on the table has caused the addict/alcoholic to seek help, that is not the case.

They were already at rock bottom. You just happened to meet bottom at the same time.

If they are not at their bottom, then being at yours will make no difference in their desire for help for any length of time to reach lasting sobriety.

Of course there are the rare cases but from were I am standing, which is on both sides of the fence, this has been my experience.

greeteachday

I think if there was an answer to this question, we would have the "cure" for addiction.

Wow...Do I wish there was an answer! I once hoped love was the answer...sadly it isn't. It doesn't mean I won't love; just that I have to make sure I don't (repeatedly) try to control anyone else.

I wish you well and I hope your addicted love one finds his way.

zoso77

That may be one last chance too many. What you seem to be implying is if the addict knows this is their last chance, they'll listen and do what we want them to do. And most of the time, that does not happen.

I'm of the mindset that the addict has the right to make their own mistakes. Just like we have the right to not tolerate the addict's behavior.

So, make the best decisions for you.

AmVeBe

Hi everyone...
thank you so much for all the responses... i am on a quick break at work & wont have time to read all your responses until i get home. But i did see the ? of why i said i have 1 last chance...
i have been going through this WAY longer than i realized (noticing behavior changes bit not finding out why until later) and yes, you guys are right... i have done & said everything i can possibly think of. I have given myself a deadline of trying 1 last time before i move on with my life & letting go. We all have issues addict or not but i KNOW i am a good person, a good woman, a good partner & i cant continue having my life in turmoil for anyone (love or not) if they are not willing to even accept they have a problem. Every other person in his his life IS an addict or "doesnt want to get involved in our relationship issues" or has flat out said to me "he is an adult & is going to do whatever he wants." I am the person he pushes away bc i am the ONLY person in his life that calls him on his lies, his broken promises & tells him when je is messin up. But at the same time i also tell him what a great person he was before he starting using & how smart he is & how he is capable of doing better but he has to choose that. I also reassure him that no matter what i dont judge him, i dont look at him any different & i will do whatever i possibly can to help him but he has to tell me he wants me to. I try not to say "ask for help" bc he is the kind of person that doesnt ever wants to ask for help... for anything not just this. 1 of my major problems is when i say something to him to try to get him to remember a time when he was happy without using he takes it like im trying to put a guilt trip on him then he gets mad. Thats why i wanted an addicts perspective so i can learn how to word things to NOT come off sounding judgemental or like i am purposely trying to make him feel bad... if that is even possible.

Sorry if my spelling is off im typing this in a hurry on my phone & dont have time to spell check. Im usually grammar nazi lol

Lily1918

delete

Marcus

Hey AmVeBe. I am an addict (in recovery) but pop on this forum from time to time so if you want it from "The Horses Mouth" here is my opinion. This Horse when at my worst was basically not even listening to what anyone was telling me. When I was listening it was because I was thinking okay what can I say OR how can I get myself out of this argument OR deny this charge against me so I can get back to using already. Basically try to say the right things or tell you what you wanted to hear. You might think well why didn't I just take off and disappear and use (which I did sometimes). I always came back though because that is what enforced the idea that I was still okay. I wasn't too far gone yet - again the denial factor.

The idea that an addict would know better is unfortunately not true. Well surely not an addict in active addiction (denial tends to do that to you). Maybe an addict with long term recovery, but I think most of them would have similar stories to what loved ones who have been in the trenches would say. I have 2 1/2 years off a major opiate habit. So I am still pretty early in my recovery, but not so lost and shaking as when I first came in.

Now I know in recovery circles an addict is an addict and I believe that to be true. I think there are situations where if caught early on before complete denial sets in they might at least hear a few words, but problem is usually once the addiction is discovered by others they are usually past that point. It isn't until they choose to get help that things change and even after choosing to get help that doesn't mean things change.

More times than not there are more similarities than differences, but addiction usually doesn't happen overnight and there were different stages and levels to my downfall. Addicts can be very secretive though so by the time I got discovered I was already circling the drain.

Again this is all the opinion of one addict who has been around the block several hundred times. I know you see shows like intervention and sometimes things do work out. There are exceptions no doubt. The few rehabs I went to I would say at least 8 out of 10 relapsed within the first year or less. Anyway I hope things work out for you with or without your boyfriend. I am pretty sure my wife gave me at least 157 last chances / ultimatums. I sure hope you can stick to it if that is your plan.

BlueChair

Giving yourself one last attempt to reach him has got to be stressful. Not sure but it sounds like your saying if he once again denies a problem and refuses to look at making a change then you have to step away. I think for me it would be important for my own peace of mind to say whats on my heart so I have as little regret as possible. Saying all this when hes the most stable too.

What Ive been learning is to reach someone and have the best communication, then u have to meet them where they are at in the process of change. We have some threads on this topic too. With my husband, Ive been focusing on positive communication. Hes not using now, but is often emotional first because of paws, and now it appears underlying anxiety. Anyway, this is a thread I made a while back and ideas in here helped me work on how I say things, bringing in the positives I see, and working to bring him into the discussion instead of being the only one talking. Non defensive is always my goal, and for us its helped.

I should add I guess when he first accepted help all his close family and friends, his boss even we all let him know in a positive way all the things we saw in him, how we loved him, but also how he needed help, and his boss explained he couldnt work until he got it. I never got to the point of making an ultimatum about us, so I think about it and my heart breaks for you. But you have to take care of yourself, and sounds like u know this already. (Hugs)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ion-pius.html?

AmVeBe

Hi everyone,
Ok so now i am home & have been able to read through all of the posts. I GREATLY appreciate all the stories & advice!!! This is the kind of stuff i needed to hear. I know i said i have studied this extensively but i want everyone to know i do NOT think i know it all... obviously or i wouldnt need to be on here right. One of the biggest obstacles i face is that since he moved back in with his mom, sister & nephew i dont believe he will ever "hit rock bottom" as so many people have told me (i have read repeatedly) needs to
happen just for the simple fact that his sister has to cook dinner for their mom... so he always has a meal, he always has a bed to sleep in, a roof over his head, a place to bathe & wash his clothes. His sister told me on Monday when we were talking that she feels bad for him.... i wanted to scream!!! Her words went something like... i feel bad for him bc all of this stuff is happening to him (he has pushed me away, lost his job, got another job that he lost on day 1, etc.) & i know its his fault but i dont want him to fdel lime everyone is against him & he has no one, including me" i completely understamd the way she feels bc i feel bad too BUT she moved here 2 yrs ago bc her husband of 20 years developed a drug & alcohol addiction & it got to the point that he threatened the lives of her, their mother & her 16 yr old son so she called the cops, had them keep him outside & had 20 mins to pack what she could & they came here the next day. In addition to that... their brother is so out of control its ridiculous. He has tried multiple times to commit suicide, been to jail & rehab a few times & has even overdosed twice but both times there was someone there that gave him some kind of saltwater injections & was able to bring him out of it. I understand that she has never taken the time to learn about addiction so i try to educate her to the best of my ability but i will NEVER comprehend how anybody can go through & witness this for YEARS & not learn that sympathy does not do them any good bc that is what the rely on... she is a really good person but this makes me INSANE!!!! I know giving him an ultimatium is not going to "make him see the light" but i guess i was just hoping... even by the slightest chance.... that maybe, just maybe i could say something to atleast cause him to take a good look at what is REALLY going on. I have an extremely strong feeling that he will end up overdosing if he doesnt stop soon bc he has no "off" button, once he starts the only reason he stops is bc he passes out. And i also feel the only that has kept him from oding already is that lately he seems to go for 3-5 days then he does nothing but sleep for the next 2-3 days. My feeling is that by him having those couple of days for it to start coming out of his system & not constantly going non-stop is what has saved him so far... idk, im not a dr & i could be totally wrong... thats just my "hypothesis" lol.