Dolphinaj25

First a little background: I was in a long term relationship with an addict (opiate/heroin addiction). We started out as good friends. We went to middle school and highschool together. We share many mutual lifelong friends. We were together (as a couple) about 7 years, engaged for three. We have been seperated for almost two years now.

I spent many years in very serious denial about the severity of his addiction. I loved him so much that I took on his recovery as my personal responsibility and the single most important part of my life during those years. It consumed every moment of my life. I neglected my own health and personal well being. I was the definition of an enabler and codependent.

However, one day I did realize what it was doing to my life and that I wasn't actually helping my loved one by continuing to support his lifestyle. I realized that he had to be ready for and desperately want the help before I could provide it. I had to completely cut off contact with him for a long period of time.

Recently, we have had minimal contact via email. I still haven't seen him in person or even spoken with him over the phone in over a year. I was recently contacted by his family because he suddenly disappeared right after the holidays. He lives in the same town as I do and his family lives several states away. His family requested that I post a "missing" flyer that they had created via social media pages. They were requested that I post this information because I have friends that live in the area where he disappeared and we also share many mutual friends that may have seen or heard from him recently. I reluctantly agreed, because I can completely understand what they are going through and how scary it is to not know where he is or if he is even alive. I became very familiar with that desperate, helpless feeling.

Since I posted this "missing" flyer on social media, I have been contacted by so many people. Old friends and aquatinances that I haven't spoken to in years wanting to know the specific details of his disapperance and how they can help to find him. Part of me appreciated their concern and willingness to help and the other part of me wants to scream "Where were you all three years ago when all of this concern may have actually made a difference to me and to him." And then I feel insanely guilty for feeling this way.

I did manage locate him and he has been in contact with a mutual friend. The mutual friend told me that he doesn't want to contact anyone (including me) because he is embarrassed about his situation. Part of me feels confused because for so long he desperately tried to contact me and now he doesn't even want to send me a quick message to let me know he's alive. I feel very sad that he doesn't feel like he can reach out to anyone (not necessarily me, but someone) for support.

This whole situation has just stirred up so many emotions and I find myself back in my old ways of missing him and constantly wondering if he is okay. I'm not sleeping well or attending to my responsibilities as I should. I guess in a sense, I have relapsed.

Any advise is greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your support.

Turtle82

He does have someone and maybe more.... the mutual friend who told you how he feels. That's as I read what you've said.

Txhelp

He has reached out...to the friend he is staying with. What are you missing? Relapsing you said. What do you need to do to get back on track?

9111111

I think it’s human to worry, when someone we know disappears. Most people would have trouble focusing and concentrating.

When an addict disappears it can be an attempt to escape from some self-created sort of drama, and to be “alone” with their drug of choice without being “interrupted” by “nagging” people.
You often read here, that the addict re-surfaces, once they have run out of money or resources to fund their use.

I’m glad that your friend has been “found”. If you are concerned about his well-being please have police run a well-check on him. We are not helpless when an addict disappears on us – there are missing person reports and police checks and a whole team of professionals at the police and the hospitals to assess and handle the situation.

The rest is – and should be – up to the addict. After all, they are adults and not helpless children anymore, and we still have a life to live.

Dolphinaj25

Thank you all for the advise. Unfortunately, we have reached out to the police and they are completely unwilling to help. They said that they would notify us if a body is found but that is about all they were willing to to. It is know where he is staying but they are unwilling to go to this area. But you are right, it is all up to him at this point. If he doesn't want to be contacted, then I should respect that wish. Thank you all for your advise.

jjj111

I agree that this is in a sense a relapse. There are a lot of analogies to make between co-dependency and addiction! It sounds like you got involved in this again with the best of intentions. I can understand why it would have been very hard to say no when his family asked for help. But what they did was basically like waving some heroin in front of an addict and asking if you could shoot up one last time. In alcoholics anonymous, they say one drink is too many and a thousand is never enough. And you are learning something similar here--this one little favor has spiraled into a thousand worries and problems about how to deal with the family, how to deal with all those who have contacted you, how to deal with your own fears, etc. But don't forget that you can bounce back from this relapse! You were living your life without all this not so long ago, and it's not too late to return to recovery. Hugs, I know this is tough!

zoso77

Well, I consider this typical of the disorder that is the human condition. Just because someone is, effectively, out of your life does not mean they're out of your thoughts.

I wouldn't fight what you're feeling. I'd accept it because at this moment, you're feeling what you're feeling. You can still get back on the horse and continue your life with those feelings. You've done it before. You can do it again.

Karrets

I think I would be the same.. my counsellor described it as going back in. . I give gratitude to the feeling or try. I think it's because with an addict it never feels over like there is a thin thread because they consumed so much of our time and life.