Stuck - how to make a move
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Stuck - how to make a move
Hello SR family. I cannot believe its 2015 already and here I am in the same mess of my AH addition. It has gotten worse actually. We pretty much go through the same cycle - relapse (or maybe he is always using, I do not know at the moment), huge blowout (he is kicked out, door closes, he flies, spends all his $, something gets damaged - i.e. car, etc, job almost lost, etc), I start feeling bad, feelings of 'what if THIS time it will be different' return, I gave in and he gets another chance. His mother or me 'fix' things for him - we pay for his f-ups, cover his negative bank accounts, etc, etc, etc. In a meanwhile, he gives me nothing but empty promises. I feel that my soul is crashed, I am sick with all of this so deep, I don't know if I will ever get well.
Christmas was a turning point for me. As something broke inside. AH who is a heroin user, started taking some sort of an upper, who knows what it is. He was out of his mind for a week. I prepared a fancy Christmas dinner - went all out and poured my whole soul into it. I spent crazy money in Bed Bath and Beyond - everything was green and red and shiny and Christmasy and candles. Huge dinner. His family came, my kids are at the table - fency-shmancy. And there it went - AH all of the sudden became enraged by something stupid that one of the quests said and a huge physical fight broke out. Black eyes, kids crying, pretty table gone, food flying across the room, screams and he is a BIG guy. Guests run to the car, AH runs after them, gets in a car and leaves. Withdraws $ and off he went to his mama heroin.
Something broke, I took the kids and left out of town. Took the kids skiing, spend all I had, tried to make up for the horrible Christmas. Of course, kids are traumatized. I made the decision where I just can't take anymore of it. Done. Of course the manipulation starts - how he is going back to NA, how he is not going to have our marriage fail, how THIS time it will be different, I will see it soon, blah, blah, blah. I held no hopes.
He gave me 2 weeks of peace. 2 weeks where he took his suboxone meds and looked NORMAL. 2 weeks out of a year. I relaxed. I have big problems at work currently, so I am in the office on Friday, he is supposed to meet kids from school. 1 pm his phone shuts down and thats it. Gone. Kids at home by themselves. Apparently borrowed $ from his brother and mother.
I feel so empty and just totally powerless. I give up. Really. I want to separate, cannot take another day like this. I told him today (upon his return), didn't even want to listen to his award winning story of what happened. Doesn't matter. I am not happy, I have done all I can do, I WANT TO SEPARATE.
What now? How do I proceed? I feel stuck. I know emotionally, mentally and heck, even financially I am ready. I don't want to fight, beg, try to work it out. Nothing is changing. If AH has any chance in recovery it would be when he stays on his own, hits his rockbottom and maybe then decides to change. He has no reason for wanting to change now.
I have made changes - I have enrolled in a educational program, I want to make more $ and be inspired by what I do
Its an online program and I really like it. I have separated my bank account, so he has no access. What do you guys are chances he will just leave?
Christmas was a turning point for me. As something broke inside. AH who is a heroin user, started taking some sort of an upper, who knows what it is. He was out of his mind for a week. I prepared a fancy Christmas dinner - went all out and poured my whole soul into it. I spent crazy money in Bed Bath and Beyond - everything was green and red and shiny and Christmasy and candles. Huge dinner. His family came, my kids are at the table - fency-shmancy. And there it went - AH all of the sudden became enraged by something stupid that one of the quests said and a huge physical fight broke out. Black eyes, kids crying, pretty table gone, food flying across the room, screams and he is a BIG guy. Guests run to the car, AH runs after them, gets in a car and leaves. Withdraws $ and off he went to his mama heroin.
Something broke, I took the kids and left out of town. Took the kids skiing, spend all I had, tried to make up for the horrible Christmas. Of course, kids are traumatized. I made the decision where I just can't take anymore of it. Done. Of course the manipulation starts - how he is going back to NA, how he is not going to have our marriage fail, how THIS time it will be different, I will see it soon, blah, blah, blah. I held no hopes.
He gave me 2 weeks of peace. 2 weeks where he took his suboxone meds and looked NORMAL. 2 weeks out of a year. I relaxed. I have big problems at work currently, so I am in the office on Friday, he is supposed to meet kids from school. 1 pm his phone shuts down and thats it. Gone. Kids at home by themselves. Apparently borrowed $ from his brother and mother.
I feel so empty and just totally powerless. I give up. Really. I want to separate, cannot take another day like this. I told him today (upon his return), didn't even want to listen to his award winning story of what happened. Doesn't matter. I am not happy, I have done all I can do, I WANT TO SEPARATE.
What now? How do I proceed? I feel stuck. I know emotionally, mentally and heck, even financially I am ready. I don't want to fight, beg, try to work it out. Nothing is changing. If AH has any chance in recovery it would be when he stays on his own, hits his rockbottom and maybe then decides to change. He has no reason for wanting to change now.
I have made changes - I have enrolled in a educational program, I want to make more $ and be inspired by what I do
Its an online program and I really like it. I have separated my bank account, so he has no access. What do you guys are chances he will just leave?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
glitterdeva,
I understand just where you are. When I arrived at my breaking point, it was a time that forced me to decide what was going to 'happen' not what would happen if he did this or did that, etc.
I stood up for myself and our children. It didn't matter what he did anymore. I wanted something different and my girls deserved something so much better.
You will know when you are there. When you feel inside that you are more important than waiting, pleading, fixing, hiding, fearing, wondering - what he will allow to happen next.
It's painful, no doubt about that, but I know that even thru the fear, I felt stronger and confident. I knew without a doubt that it was my turn now.
hugs and prayers for you. I wish you strength and peace.
Joie
I understand just where you are. When I arrived at my breaking point, it was a time that forced me to decide what was going to 'happen' not what would happen if he did this or did that, etc.
I stood up for myself and our children. It didn't matter what he did anymore. I wanted something different and my girls deserved something so much better.
You will know when you are there. When you feel inside that you are more important than waiting, pleading, fixing, hiding, fearing, wondering - what he will allow to happen next.
It's painful, no doubt about that, but I know that even thru the fear, I felt stronger and confident. I knew without a doubt that it was my turn now.
hugs and prayers for you. I wish you strength and peace.
Joie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
They always have a story don't they?
First, see this as a positive. You are ready to get out. That is fantastic. It will be hard and emotional, but this is the first step of YOU getting healthy! I would find a home to move into first. That would be my first step.
You will get through this! Second step, maybe a counselor or go to some meetings.
Wish you the best!
First, see this as a positive. You are ready to get out. That is fantastic. It will be hard and emotional, but this is the first step of YOU getting healthy! I would find a home to move into first. That would be my first step.
You will get through this! Second step, maybe a counselor or go to some meetings.
Wish you the best!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Glitter, I am so sorry. What a letdown to say the very least.
I am so glad you clearly recognize the cycle and what is happening.
Now you move forward, one step at a time. Only he knows if he will just leave, but I would not count on it. IF he does leave, great. If not, be prepared to seek an attorney and file for exclusive rights to the marital home during divorce proceedings. This is quite simple some places, not so easy in others. Based on his behavior, I would say you can get this done.
It is literally one step, one moment at a time. I went and spoke to attorneys. There were things I had to do, so I made a huge list based on their advise. Depending on how I was feeling that day, I would do some of the things on the list. Other days, nothing. Example, open a PO Box. Get documents out of house. Get things out of house (photos, etc) that I cannot live without. I would do those things one at a time.
I was able to negotiate with my X myself, which made it easier and cheaper. Had he not been willing, I was prepared for the fight of my life. Document EVERY SINGLE THING with times,dates, people present, etc. in case you need that in court. Don't depend on him to do anything for the kids as it sounds like he is not dependable on that front.
You and your children will be better off in the long run. None of you deserve the awful chaos that comes with sharing a household and a life with an addict.
Tight hugs.
I am so glad you clearly recognize the cycle and what is happening.
Now you move forward, one step at a time. Only he knows if he will just leave, but I would not count on it. IF he does leave, great. If not, be prepared to seek an attorney and file for exclusive rights to the marital home during divorce proceedings. This is quite simple some places, not so easy in others. Based on his behavior, I would say you can get this done.
It is literally one step, one moment at a time. I went and spoke to attorneys. There were things I had to do, so I made a huge list based on their advise. Depending on how I was feeling that day, I would do some of the things on the list. Other days, nothing. Example, open a PO Box. Get documents out of house. Get things out of house (photos, etc) that I cannot live without. I would do those things one at a time.
I was able to negotiate with my X myself, which made it easier and cheaper. Had he not been willing, I was prepared for the fight of my life. Document EVERY SINGLE THING with times,dates, people present, etc. in case you need that in court. Don't depend on him to do anything for the kids as it sounds like he is not dependable on that front.
You and your children will be better off in the long run. None of you deserve the awful chaos that comes with sharing a household and a life with an addict.
Tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 129
Hi Glitter
First, I'm sad that you're Christmas was so blown apart by AH. You did all that beautiful work so everybody could have a beautiful Christmas. You decorated to the enth, creating a stunning and elegant table so the ambience could be palatable. So, that part is wonderful. And in your writing, it's almost as if you knew "something" was going to happen since AH had been acting out for awhile now. And "something" did happen and it ruined your beautiful life as you created it for you and your family. Unfortunately, No amount of hard and beautiful work will create a good enough environment for your AH to behave.
Christmas has such huge expectations hey? I think it's where the pendulum can really swing as it did this year for you. It's always when we go out the farthest that we are shown "who really cares." AH doesn't give a rip about you and the kids. His shadow behaviours are spilling out all over, covering everything in sight with it's stench. It's like throwing red paint onto a fine white fur coat.
The problem with us addicts is this: no-one, absolutely no-one can get us to quit drinking and/or drugging. WE have to decide if and when we've had enough. We have to decide if we love ourselves enough to want to do it. We have to find self-respect, self honour etc. and it's unfortunate it's sounds so narcissistic on our parts, but it is. The beast inside wants to get high no matter what.
So, you say you're stuck. You're not. You just had a bomb blow up in your dining room. This was a big one. You're recovering from that blow. It almost took you out. And by reading through your lines you already know exactly what you have to do. And you don't need to fight. Let him win, he already has. Give up and surrender. You just need to face your fear head on and do what you need to do to take care of you and your family. Your AH will take you down - he already did. Take care of you now. You absolutely cannot control him, help him, cajole him, win him over, beg him to quit, etc. etc. He must do it for himself, no-one can do it for him.
Things will get better when you take a step in loving yourself. Don't let him ruin any more Christmas's, or for that matter, any more of your days.
Take Care
May your new year be bomb free
Audra
First, I'm sad that you're Christmas was so blown apart by AH. You did all that beautiful work so everybody could have a beautiful Christmas. You decorated to the enth, creating a stunning and elegant table so the ambience could be palatable. So, that part is wonderful. And in your writing, it's almost as if you knew "something" was going to happen since AH had been acting out for awhile now. And "something" did happen and it ruined your beautiful life as you created it for you and your family. Unfortunately, No amount of hard and beautiful work will create a good enough environment for your AH to behave.
Christmas has such huge expectations hey? I think it's where the pendulum can really swing as it did this year for you. It's always when we go out the farthest that we are shown "who really cares." AH doesn't give a rip about you and the kids. His shadow behaviours are spilling out all over, covering everything in sight with it's stench. It's like throwing red paint onto a fine white fur coat.
The problem with us addicts is this: no-one, absolutely no-one can get us to quit drinking and/or drugging. WE have to decide if and when we've had enough. We have to decide if we love ourselves enough to want to do it. We have to find self-respect, self honour etc. and it's unfortunate it's sounds so narcissistic on our parts, but it is. The beast inside wants to get high no matter what.
So, you say you're stuck. You're not. You just had a bomb blow up in your dining room. This was a big one. You're recovering from that blow. It almost took you out. And by reading through your lines you already know exactly what you have to do. And you don't need to fight. Let him win, he already has. Give up and surrender. You just need to face your fear head on and do what you need to do to take care of you and your family. Your AH will take you down - he already did. Take care of you now. You absolutely cannot control him, help him, cajole him, win him over, beg him to quit, etc. etc. He must do it for himself, no-one can do it for him.
Things will get better when you take a step in loving yourself. Don't let him ruin any more Christmas's, or for that matter, any more of your days.
Take Care
May your new year be bomb free
Audra
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Glitter, I am so sorry. What a letdown to say the very least.
I am so glad you clearly recognize the cycle and what is happening.
Now you move forward, one step at a time. Only he knows if he will just leave, but I would not count on it. IF he does leave, great. If not, be prepared to seek an attorney and file for exclusive rights to the marital home during divorce proceedings. This is quite simple some places, not so easy in others. Based on his behavior, I would say you can get this done.
It is literally one step, one moment at a time. I went and spoke to attorneys. There were things I had to do, so I made a huge list based on their advise. Depending on how I was feeling that day, I would do some of the things on the list. Other days, nothing. Example, open a PO Box. Get documents out of house. Get things out of house (photos, etc) that I cannot live without. I would do those things one at a time.
I was able to negotiate with my X myself, which made it easier and cheaper. Had he not been willing, I was prepared for the fight of my life. Document EVERY SINGLE THING with times,dates, people present, etc. in case you need that in court. Don't depend on him to do anything for the kids as it sounds like he is not dependable on that front.
You and your children will be better off in the long run. None of you deserve the awful chaos that comes with sharing a household and a life with an addict.
Tight hugs.
I am so glad you clearly recognize the cycle and what is happening.
Now you move forward, one step at a time. Only he knows if he will just leave, but I would not count on it. IF he does leave, great. If not, be prepared to seek an attorney and file for exclusive rights to the marital home during divorce proceedings. This is quite simple some places, not so easy in others. Based on his behavior, I would say you can get this done.
It is literally one step, one moment at a time. I went and spoke to attorneys. There were things I had to do, so I made a huge list based on their advise. Depending on how I was feeling that day, I would do some of the things on the list. Other days, nothing. Example, open a PO Box. Get documents out of house. Get things out of house (photos, etc) that I cannot live without. I would do those things one at a time.
I was able to negotiate with my X myself, which made it easier and cheaper. Had he not been willing, I was prepared for the fight of my life. Document EVERY SINGLE THING with times,dates, people present, etc. in case you need that in court. Don't depend on him to do anything for the kids as it sounds like he is not dependable on that front.
You and your children will be better off in the long run. None of you deserve the awful chaos that comes with sharing a household and a life with an addict.
Tight hugs.
I am hoping, but most likely its not going to happen. Because nothing has happened in years, only words and promises. And, most importantly, I am crazy and I am imagining it all. He does not have a problem. Today I talked to his mother, who is also his enabler. We are giving him an ultimatum - either leave the house and go to a long-term facility (he has very good health insurance and can afford to go anywhere they take insurance pretty much) OR leave the house and live on your own, leave us out of your life. Whether she through with it, I don't know. I have no choice though.
Immediately, of course, he ran to NA and swearing up and down that he will do 90 meetings in 90 days. Before all AA/NA attempts lasted a month tops and he was always very busy to go to a meeting and his sponsor 'didn't understand him'. Then he would quit. I though great - he can do all that in a long-term facility, right? I mean if you have a doctor and you take suboxone for your heroin addiction and you can go to any psychologist/therapist and you have meetings and you have a home, a car, a job, a family, money, food on the table every night and you still do heroin then you have a problem that cannot be helped by any of these things. Do you guys think I am right? There is no way he can get better living with me.
If he doesn't leave on his own then I have to go to step #2 - lawyer, to see if what I can do. I hope it doesn't come to it, I am so worn out. I hope he will feel sorry for me and my girls, we already been through so much. We helped him and loved him and cared for him. We just can't do this anymore.
Most of all, I don't know about all of you guys, but I HATE myself. I hate that I spend most of my day checking on him, his phone, GPSing his location, checking bank accounts, messages, going through his private life. I HATE what a worthless person I have become, a crazy, paranoid person, that nobody will ever love. This is so embarassing
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Maybe it's worth going to see a lawyer either way, just to get the ball rolling? It might make you feel more powerful to know your options. And it seems like you're eventually going to have to see a lawyer anyway if you intend to end the marriage.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. We have all done it, don't even think a second about it. He needs to be out of your house. That is one more reason for him to go to inpatient right now. He needs the help, and you need a mental break from all of this. It would give you both a chance to work on yourselves, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.
We are here with you. STOP with any blame you may have on yourself or thoughts of misery towards yourself.
You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and You cannot Cure it.
Tight, tight hugs my friend.
Ps...I agree with the above post. Why not see an attorney just to give yourself peace of mind. I did so a long time before my X and I separated. It did make me feel a bit better and more in control of my own future.
We are here with you. STOP with any blame you may have on yourself or thoughts of misery towards yourself.
You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and You cannot Cure it.
Tight, tight hugs my friend.
Ps...I agree with the above post. Why not see an attorney just to give yourself peace of mind. I did so a long time before my X and I separated. It did make me feel a bit better and more in control of my own future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by audra
Hi Glitter
First, I'm sad that you're Christmas was so blown apart by AH. You did all that beautiful work so everybody could have a beautiful Christmas. You decorated to the enth, creating a stunning and elegant table so the ambience could be palatable. So, that part is wonderful. And in your writing, it's almost as if you knew "something" was going to happen since AH had been acting out for awhile now. And "something" did happen and it ruined your beautiful life as you created it for you and your family. Unfortunately, No amount of hard and beautiful work will create a good enough environment for your AH to behave.
Christmas has such huge expectations hey? I think it's where the pendulum can really swing as it did this year for you. It's always when we go out the farthest that we are shown "who really cares." AH doesn't give a rip about you and the kids. His shadow behaviours are spilling out all over, covering everything in sight with it's stench. It's like throwing red paint onto a fine white fur coat.
The problem with us addicts is this: no-one, absolutely no-one can get us to quit drinking and/or drugging. WE have to decide if and when we've had enough. We have to decide if we love ourselves enough to want to do it. We have to find self-respect, self honour etc. and it's unfortunate it's sounds so narcissistic on our parts, but it is. The beast inside wants to get high no matter what.
So, you say you're stuck. You're not. You just had a bomb blow up in your dining room. This was a big one. You're recovering from that blow. It almost took you out. And by reading through your lines you already know exactly what you have to do. And you don't need to fight. Let him win, he already has. Give up and surrender. You just need to face your fear head on and do what you need to do to take care of you and your family. Your AH will take you down - he already did. Take care of you now. You absolutely cannot control him, help him, cajole him, win him over, beg him to quit, etc. etc. He must do it for himself, no-one can do it for him.
Things will get better when you take a step in loving yourself. Don't let him ruin any more Christmas's, or for that matter, any more of your days.
Take Care
May your new year be bomb free
Audra
First, I'm sad that you're Christmas was so blown apart by AH. You did all that beautiful work so everybody could have a beautiful Christmas. You decorated to the enth, creating a stunning and elegant table so the ambience could be palatable. So, that part is wonderful. And in your writing, it's almost as if you knew "something" was going to happen since AH had been acting out for awhile now. And "something" did happen and it ruined your beautiful life as you created it for you and your family. Unfortunately, No amount of hard and beautiful work will create a good enough environment for your AH to behave.
Christmas has such huge expectations hey? I think it's where the pendulum can really swing as it did this year for you. It's always when we go out the farthest that we are shown "who really cares." AH doesn't give a rip about you and the kids. His shadow behaviours are spilling out all over, covering everything in sight with it's stench. It's like throwing red paint onto a fine white fur coat.
The problem with us addicts is this: no-one, absolutely no-one can get us to quit drinking and/or drugging. WE have to decide if and when we've had enough. We have to decide if we love ourselves enough to want to do it. We have to find self-respect, self honour etc. and it's unfortunate it's sounds so narcissistic on our parts, but it is. The beast inside wants to get high no matter what.
So, you say you're stuck. You're not. You just had a bomb blow up in your dining room. This was a big one. You're recovering from that blow. It almost took you out. And by reading through your lines you already know exactly what you have to do. And you don't need to fight. Let him win, he already has. Give up and surrender. You just need to face your fear head on and do what you need to do to take care of you and your family. Your AH will take you down - he already did. Take care of you now. You absolutely cannot control him, help him, cajole him, win him over, beg him to quit, etc. etc. He must do it for himself, no-one can do it for him.
Things will get better when you take a step in loving yourself. Don't let him ruin any more Christmas's, or for that matter, any more of your days.
Take Care
May your new year be bomb free
Audra
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Honey, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. We have all done it, don't even think a second about it. He needs to be out of your house. That is one more reason for him to go to inpatient right now. He needs the help, and you need a mental break from all of this. It would give you both a chance to work on yourselves, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.
We are here with you. STOP with any blame you may have on yourself or thoughts of misery towards yourself.
You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and You cannot Cure it.
Tight, tight hugs my friend.
Ps...I agree with the above post. Why not see an attorney just to give yourself peace of mind. I did so a long time before my X and I separated. It did make me feel a bit better and more in control of my own future.
We are here with you. STOP with any blame you may have on yourself or thoughts of misery towards yourself.
You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and You cannot Cure it.
Tight, tight hugs my friend.
Ps...I agree with the above post. Why not see an attorney just to give yourself peace of mind. I did so a long time before my X and I separated. It did make me feel a bit better and more in control of my own future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Well, I talked to AH via text (I live upstairs now with the kids and he lives downstairs). I just can't bring myself to talk to him face to face - I am scared I will start feeling sorry and try to 'help' him again by letting him get sober at home. So I talked and said that he has to either a) go to a long-term residential treatment facility (whereby he leaves the house and works on his addiction there, while I stay at the house and deal with my children, life and co-dependency) or b) move out and live on his own. He immediately said that he will do whatever I want him to. He is 100% DONE this time, he is in NA, in fact, on a way to NA meeting right now. No way he will go to a residential treatment facility because he will lose his job. Since he has criminal record, this job is god-send and he won't find another job like that. So he will be moving out in max 10 days.
I am very sad, I won't lie. Because he doesn't see it. He doesn't see that his problem is HUGE. It is, right? There are no recreational heroin users, are there? He is taking max dose of suboxone and does heroin here and there, on and off, off and on and like this for the past 2 years. Suboxone makes using so much easier! He thinks he has GOT IT. He thinks he is NORMAL and doesn't have a PROBLEM. He thinks since he doesn't use every single day, he has it under control. I start questioning my own sanity - what if I am blowing this out of proportion? I swear, I was thinking this all day today. He works, gives me his whole paycheck, takes his meds and ..oh, yeah, gets high at least once a month and and lies a lot. He can't stay sober for more then 30 days. Never hit 60. No, he did almost 90 days last year when he had a sponsor. Then relapsed.
So why am I so freaking sad? All day I have this rock sitting on my heart. He is not fighting this, says he loves me and wants me to be happy
I am very sad, I won't lie. Because he doesn't see it. He doesn't see that his problem is HUGE. It is, right? There are no recreational heroin users, are there? He is taking max dose of suboxone and does heroin here and there, on and off, off and on and like this for the past 2 years. Suboxone makes using so much easier! He thinks he has GOT IT. He thinks he is NORMAL and doesn't have a PROBLEM. He thinks since he doesn't use every single day, he has it under control. I start questioning my own sanity - what if I am blowing this out of proportion? I swear, I was thinking this all day today. He works, gives me his whole paycheck, takes his meds and ..oh, yeah, gets high at least once a month and and lies a lot. He can't stay sober for more then 30 days. Never hit 60. No, he did almost 90 days last year when he had a sponsor. Then relapsed.
So why am I so freaking sad? All day I have this rock sitting on my heart. He is not fighting this, says he loves me and wants me to be happy
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
"Black eyes, kids crying, pretty table gone, food flying across the room, screams and he is a BIG guy. Guests run to the car, AH runs after them, gets in a car and leaves. Withdraws $ and off he went to his mama heroin."
I think his problem sounds huge. I'm so sorry. What a heartbreaking situation. Take care of yourself, he can't be a good partner right now.
I think his problem sounds huge. I'm so sorry. What a heartbreaking situation. Take care of yourself, he can't be a good partner right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry, it is so painful. Thing is, he genuinely believes he can do it this time. Problem is, when he is feeling weak and tempted he won't be prepared to be able to not give in to the addiction. H is awful, just awful.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you everyone. Well, AH is going to another state to a nice rehab on Monday. He is going for 40 days (detox + 30 days residential) and will go from there. It just happened all very fast. He was going to move and then something changed and he saw some ad on TV about treatment. And I guess he decided to go get help. I think he needs way more then 40 days, but this is a start I guess. He would have options of sober housing after or outpatient closer to home or I don't know. I hope he gets sober and it works out for him. I feel like something huge has been lifted of me. It is sad, but it is a good sad if it makes sense. I hope it works for I cannot live another day in this hell.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Keep in mind, even if it doesn't work and he continues using, that doesn't mean you have to continue going through hell with him. 40 days really isn't very long, and he has been through rehab before, right? Now would be a good time to start thinking about what your boundaries will be if he leaves rehab, and also if he completes it. Are you willing to have him back in the home in 40 days?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by jjj111
Keep in mind, even if it doesn't work and he continues using, that doesn't mean you have to continue going through hell with him. 40 days really isn't very long, and he has been through rehab before, right? Now would be a good time to start thinking about what your boundaries will be if he leaves rehab, and also if he completes it. Are you willing to have him back in the home in 40 days?
He has been in 'forced' rehab when we were dating. It was either go there and serve his sentence later or go straight to jail. Although he swears up and down that he went there on his own, I highly doubt it now. So, yes, he had rehab experience for sure. His goal (according to him) is to get off everything - as it abuses everything by taking huge amounts of suboxone, benzos and heroin in between. I don't know if 40 days is enough to get it all out of someone's system. I honestly don't want to be involved in his recovery. I am moving out of the way, taking my doctor and psychologist and therapist and mother hat off and letting this thing take its course. Because I have no power over his addiction or him.
So for now my boundary is you have to finish this thing, and you have to go to after care. I don't know what this aftercare is yet, rehab therapist said she will call and discuss this later. I just hope he boards this plane
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Update
Well, I am in shock today again, not sure why since AH is a heroin user. I didn't see this one coming though. AH has been of off since Christmas, since the fight that I have wrote about in this thread. Today I was supposed to drive him to the airport to board a plane to go to his rehab. I went to the gym in the morning, when I was in the gym he went to score his dope, busted him. I don't know why this was such a shock. Somewhere in my head I thought that well, you are going to rehab, you are AGAIN leaving us here, in emotional, financial, mental disaster zone, shouldn't you be freaking straight when going to the airport. Because you see, his story is that he is going to treatment for suboxone, not heroin. Because he only does it sometimes. I don't know how I made it to the airport with him - looking at him sweating, drooling and looking like a sleazy fish was very hard. I made it though, dropped him off and watched him go through ticketing. Rehab people will meet him in Florida. On the way there, he confesses that he has been shooting up every day since Christmas and never stopped using even on sub. He basically always used on and off for the past 2 years. Wow. This means that I have been living in a lie. This whole time, you know? I feel like an idiot.
I did not listen to any of his - I will be a different man, I will be different, you will be proud. I am so mad, I cannot even tell you. I don't want to get his letters where he is going to talk about shame and understanding and how NOW THIS TIME it will be different. My heart is full of hate for him. And embarassment for me. What the f is wrong with me?????? How could I not see this and how could I live in this hell for so long? This guys shoots dope and makes me feel like I am imagining this, I am the crazy one, I am the one who needs help. Me. Sorry, I am just out of it. I have to clean a house, found his spoon in the bathroom, stuck with bills, just really beat down.
I did not listen to any of his - I will be a different man, I will be different, you will be proud. I am so mad, I cannot even tell you. I don't want to get his letters where he is going to talk about shame and understanding and how NOW THIS TIME it will be different. My heart is full of hate for him. And embarassment for me. What the f is wrong with me?????? How could I not see this and how could I live in this hell for so long? This guys shoots dope and makes me feel like I am imagining this, I am the crazy one, I am the one who needs help. Me. Sorry, I am just out of it. I have to clean a house, found his spoon in the bathroom, stuck with bills, just really beat down.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
