wiltwillow

I have been wanting to post about this for a few days but literally have not been able to function. All I have managed to do is take care of my daughter. I learned Monday that my ex addict and alcoholic boyfriend was seeing someone. If that wasn't enough, I also learned he had met her one week prior, was kicked out of the rehab, and is now LIVING with her. A girl he met ONLINE ONE Week ago. I am so hurt that I can't eat. I feel like throwing up and just cry all day. For two years we were so happy with our little family and then for a year I fought so hard to help him get well. Now I blame myself for getting so angry at him for always being happy and having fun in rehab. If I had just let him be maybe this wouldn't happen. How could it be possible that the person who told me he loved me more than anything in this world, wrote a card to me on christmas about how much he wanted to make things better, is living with someone else. She doesn't use, I know this for a fact, so I also wonder how she could allow basically a stranger to move in with her?! I feel like this pain will never go away. I don't even feel welcome at al anon anymore because it is for loved ones of addicts, and he clearly doesn't love me anymore. So why should I embarrass myself even more? This is just a total blur I can't even get the rite words out. Help.

zoso77

Kiddo...listen to me...carefully...

I know you're in a lot of pain, and that sucks and I'm sorry. But this --

-- is not how it works. We don't have that kind of power over people. Step back for a second. If he was "having fun in rehab", he wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing. Which was to make serious decisions about how he was going to recover from addiction. I can tell you with 100% certainty that he wasn't doing that.

When addicts move on that quickly, it's a big time chemical thing going on in the brain that feels good. It's a big time rush that tickles the pleasure center in the brain just the right way. There is, however, no ground under his or her feet. What's going to happen when the new girl attempts to hold him accountable for his behavior? He'll do the same thing to her that he did to you, and it will go on and on and on.

Kiddo, don't be embarrassed. This Sunday will be the third year anniversary I got dumped by my then AGF while I was work via text message. There's a lot of us here that have been where you are. And when I went to Al Anon and shared what happened, I got hugs. No one here is judging you. Not a soul. You've been hit by a truck, and you're hurt. But what he did, kiddo, isn't about you. It's about him. He's sick, and he's acting like it.

The best thing to do right now, right at this moment, is stop judging yourself so harshly. You can always share here. You will always be welcomed at Al Anon. And you will get support, even at 10 PM on a Friday night.

I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I'm not sorry this has happened. And that's because, frankly, he doesn't deserve you. His loss. Not yours.

Take a hot shower. Have a cold glass of water. And breathe. You'll be OK. Trust me on this. You will be OK.

mejo

I am sorry you are so sad. One thing for sure, you will not be able to rid an addict that easily. Either he is 1) using this person to get over you, and like Zozo stated, when she holds him accountable, he will move on (and she will) or 2) he is using her to get back at you (high school ****).

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your time spent with him was not a lie. The love he has for you is buried underneath the addiction.

Hang in there and try to move forward. That's all you can do right now until HE decides enough is enough. If you are still there, and you have worked on yourself, then good. But if you have worked on yourself and then moved on and found someone worthy of you, then that is even better. Either way it will be a win for YOU.

Amy

Fate2012

Hang in there. My AH has relapsed and doesn't even notice I exist. I try not to take it personally. I know I deserve much better.
Try and take care of yourself...praying for you!

glitterdeva

Addicts do this. My AH was in a 6 months sober facility (it was really not to go to jail, which the judge made him do anyway after he was done). I was there through the whole ride. I visited, I brought food, money, I paid for his phone while we talked and texted every day. I was there the whole time. And he was supposed to be sober in there. Guess what? He cheated with this nasty girl. Just nasty. I found out the day he got out of that sober house. And like an idiot I forgave him. I was much prettier and healthier and had so much going for me (still do i think) and she was just not even close (sorry, I am not trying to be a snob). I have realized that its HIM, not me. Something inside HIM is broken. He is sick and he is making sick decisions. He was using her for extra food and I guess extra attention when I was not there. It hurt alot, sometimes I still think about it 4 years later. But it doesn't HURT anymore. We are married now. This pain you feel now, it is real and deep. But it WILL get better. He is SICK, he is making SICK decisions, decisions to support his sickness. Concentrate on you (I know it is very hard to do), but do, one little step at the time. It is not you, nothing to do with you, its him. Hugs

WorriedInLove

I am sorry and wish you the best. Love hurts.

Twofish

Dear Wiltwillow,
Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry you are hurting so badly.
Welcome to SR, feel safe and cared about here.
Listen and reread what Zoso said to you and then
breathe...
Yes it hurts, yesterday hurts. Try really hard to stay
in today and not worry so much about tomorrow.
Take care of yourself and your beautiful dear daughter.
Breathe...
TF

wiltwillow

The pain today is worse than the pain when I wrote this post. I have constant nausea and anxiety. All I want to do all day is sleep. It got to the point where I went to the doctor yesterday and she wants me to do an intensive outpatient program. I can't believe that his addiction has turned me into such a sad, pathetic human

chicory

wiltwillow...

find your power, and your self respect, sweetie. get angry. don't blame yourself...
and if your doctor thinks you need some help right now and you agree, by all means do it.

counselling will help you. You need to get this out and clear the junk out of your head, so you can see your truth. lots of pain can cloud our thinking and hide our reasoning abilities.

can you get outside, take a run, do something for yourself today? Don't let someones addiction ruin your life.
and Al-anon is for YOU,,,no matter what he is doing, you have been affected.

irisgardens

wiltwillow--just completed intensive outpatient treatment--similar reasons--it helped. one teeny tiny step at a time.

Twofish

Dear Wiltwillow,
Now just stop this thinking, tell that inner voice to take a hike.
YOU are worth it, you are in pain and that pain is blinding you
right now.
I have two beautiful daughters in recovery, the pain of my denial
overwhelmed me for many months. I couldn't move, I couldn't think
straight, I ignored myself. The pain, coming in waves, triggered by
something as simple as a bird singing, got worse until one day I got
off the couch and told my Pastor. Face to face support saved me from
the insanity.
Then my husband walked away from all the drama and pain. I wanted
crawl under that rock and never come out.
Being able to "talk" to someone about addiction and codependency eased
some of this pain, plus understanding and educating myself on the disease
of addiction was the wake up call I needed. And you know what, tons of support
came from this recovery site that you read from right now!
SR was there for me, lean on us, we got your back!
Like Chicory said and I agree, do something for yourself today...make it simple,
go for a short walk, get out of the home, call a friend, hang out with SR, your
new found family that cares dearly about you!
Take care (and eat something!)
TF