winterinmyheart

Hi. I've never posted here before but I could really use advice. About 6 months ago I began dating a recovering heroin addict, a year and a half clean. He was working, seemed to really have it together, incredibly sweet. Recently, he's struggling, he's been open with me that he's feeling depressed and anxious and that he's trying hard "not to do anything stupid". I'm scared for him and I have no idea how to be helpful. I'm trying not to press or stress him out but he seems to be going back and forth between being distant and keeping me close and is always feeling sick now.
We live five hours apart so I can't be there in person as much as I'd like to right now though I am planning on moving closer in the spring, until then I'm just trying to be as supportive as I can.
I don't know anything about heroin and while I've spent my entire life dealing with alcoholic relatives as well as my late husband who died while driving drunk, I'm feeling pretty naive when it comes to his drug of choice.
Any advice at all would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

GracieLou

Did he just stop or has he been in some sort of recovery program?

If so, he needs to get back at it ASAP!

If not, he needs to start. ASAP!

You can suggest an AA meeting or another 12 step meeting but other than suggesting he reach out and get help BEFORE he relapses there is not much you can do for him.

This is his problem, not yours. It is his decision, not yours.

Hang around and do some more reading. I am glad you found us.

winterinmyheart

He had cancer and went into a treatment center while undergoing chemo. He doesn't attend meetings now and has said he would like to see a doctor about his anxiety but has no insurance. His works been slow so he's had a lot of free time and the holidays are hard for him.

I'm going to suggest a meeting.

I've been reading here and appreciate you're taking the time to reply, thank you!

GracieLou

Since he has no insurance perhaps there is a free clinic in his area. If he works then they may be able to set up a sliding scale so he can see a doctor about the anxiety and of course AA meetings are free.

jjj111

It's possible that he has already relapsed and is trying to prepare you with these hints. If he is sick all the time, that is suspect. I was in a long distance relationship with my AXBF, and it was very hard for me to know whether he was using or not. My best advice is to focus on taking care of yourself, and identify some boundaries now in case he does relapse. Are you willing to be with someone who is actively using? Are you willing to move to a new place to be closer to a heroin addict? Like you, I grew up with alcoholics and as an adult chose a series of relationships with addicts. We learn patterns as children that can make for a lot of unhappiness later on if we don't find a way to break them. Are you in counseling? Have you been to al-anon? The best thing you can do right now is get yourself some support and let him handle his problem. Unfortunately, there isn't much we can do to get someone else to choose recovery.

zoso77

Winter...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

jjj111 brings up an excellent point, one I was also thinking:

May I gently suggest that a better question for you to ask is how you can protect yourself in the event a relapse has happened. If you've already been through this with relatives, you should know that there's very little you can do for him aside from prayers, love and support. You can't fix your boyfriend.

It is interesting, outside looking in, that you gravitate towards people who have this sort of vulnerability. Perhaps you have an opportunity to learn why that is. Read as much as you can here, and maybe start going to Al Anon and Nar Anon.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

winterinmyheart

It is a possiblity and I am concerned that perhaps he has relapsed, except he is staying with his folks and they are hyper vigilant when it comes to signs that he's using and have zero tolerance for it. I think they would know and he'd be out if he was using, but I also know addicts are pros at hiding things when they wish to be. My gut feeling is that he's severely depressed right now and that's why he's sick and especially vulnerable to relapsing.

No, if he is actively using or begins to again, I couldn't stay within the relationship. My kids and I have been through enough and I wouldn't expose them to that.

I'm not in therapy but should be (I have PTSD), I have an appointment with local mental health to try to find some affordable options and hopefully they can point me towards an al-anon meeting because I can't find info on anything local.

I've spent years trying to figure out the why's behind my attractions, probably boils down to the usual stuff, childhood, self esteem issues, environment (I work in a bar, I really don't even know to many people with out addiction issues). If this relationship doesn't work I'm pretty much ready to go full on cat lady at this point.


Thank you for the welcome!!

jjj111

Winter, I think that's very wise of you to be prepared to keep your distance if he is using. I agree, it sounds like you and your kids have had enough heartache for one lifetime. No sense in choosing a situation where there will be more. I worked for a while in the restaurant industry and know what you mean about addicts/alcoholics everywhere. It might be a really good idea for you to get involved in al-anon or nar-anon, just to have the company of some people who value sobriety. It can be so hard to maintain your focus when people around you don't share your values. And good for you for seeking out counseling! The end of this relationship, if it doesn't work out, doesn't mean a life sentence of solitude, but on the other hand I have been single for a few years, since I broke up with my AXBF, and it has been really useful to just focus on myself and figuring out what I want from life. Keep us posted!

Hope7726

You are right about that. If you do enough reading here you will see how many of us were fooled by our addicted loved ones. I was sleeping next to an active drug addict every night for months and had no idea.

I would strongly suggest educating yourself about drug addiction, specifically heroin. That was my AXBF's DOC (drug of choice) and I did not know much about it either so I tried to learn everything. What you learn can be scary but you know what they say, knowledge is power. The more information you have, the better equipped you will be to deal with this. Coming here was a great move, as was seeking counseling.

If I may offer some blunt advice based on my own experience (since you did ask for any and all ), I would highly recommend that you cut ties with this man. I'm sorry, but loving an addict is such a hopeless situation. Even if by some miracle he manages to get his life in order and keep it that way, you and your kids will truly suffer until he does.

No matter what you decide in terms of if or how much you want him in your life, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Make your own health and happiness, and giving your kids the best life, a priority. Your life is the only one you can control.

I promise you, without even knowing you, that this man is not your end all and be all. In fact, I can tell you that anyone's life is profoundly better without the pain and insanity that loving an addict provides.