Went to our first Alanon/Alateen meetings
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Went to our first Alanon/Alateen meetings
We went to our first meetings last night. It definitely wasn't what I expected. There were so many people 40+ I felt very uncomfortable like an outsider (of course I am, most people seemed to have been going for years) I am confused as most seem to be there because they are still with their loved one and trying to fix themselves in order to also help their loved one. Since my AH already has left us and i'm not sure that he'll be coming back is it something I should continue going to? I'm just a little confused I guess. They said to go at least 6-9 times before deciding I just want to make sure if my AH is not in my life at the moment if it's still a good idea to keep going?
The kids had a hard time as well. They mostly felt bad that all the other kids are still a part of their dads lives and they haven't seen or heard from their dad. Will this help them as well or will it be harder for them because their dad has already left and is not even caring enough to call and talk to them or want to see them? I wasn't really sure who to talk to over there, there were just so many people, I just want to make sure i'm doing the right thing to go back and make them go back or is there something else I should be doing? I'm just confused about it all I guess, I know It's only been one time but I guess I was just hoping for some sort of peaceful feeling or a little clarity afterwards but I didn't feel that at all? Is that normal?
The kids had a hard time as well. They mostly felt bad that all the other kids are still a part of their dads lives and they haven't seen or heard from their dad. Will this help them as well or will it be harder for them because their dad has already left and is not even caring enough to call and talk to them or want to see them? I wasn't really sure who to talk to over there, there were just so many people, I just want to make sure i'm doing the right thing to go back and make them go back or is there something else I should be doing? I'm just confused about it all I guess, I know It's only been one time but I guess I was just hoping for some sort of peaceful feeling or a little clarity afterwards but I didn't feel that at all? Is that normal?
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Will this help them as well or will it be harder for them because their dad has already left and is not even caring enough to call and talk to them or want to see them?
The biggest takeaway I got from Al Anon was that our qualifier was going to do whatever they were going to do. It didn't matter if our qualifier was a spouse, a significant other, a parent or a child. We have no control over what another person does. And once that clicked with me, it was extremely liberating. I had, for the longest time, tried to get my then AGF to do what I believed was the best thing for her, and drove myself nuts in the process. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do; she was going to do whatever she wanted. So it made sense to save my sanity, by detaching (at the time) with love.
After we broke up, I went to meetings for about 3 months after the breakup and then stopped going. That said, I'm still here on SR. And the reason is on our corner of SR, we have members like Ann, Anvil, and Vale who are both wise and compassionate, and a lot of the lessons they share are applicable to day-to-day life as well. These days I have uncomfortable and sad situations with my niece and my brother, but I'm still using the lessons I learned in Al Anon to manage myself. Depending on how those situations go, I may go back to meetings.
So, will Al Anon/Alateen help you and the kids? Potentially, IMHO, a great deal. Because although we go to those meetings due to situations with our qualifiers, those meetings are for us. Chances are there will be at least one member who's been through hell, has come out the other side, and has a great deal of wisdom to share about both how they did it and how they manage their day-to-day lives. But you have to be open to hearing those lessons.
I encourage you to go, eyes, ears and mind open, and listen. You don't necessarily have to share. But simply listen. Absorb. Determine how that helps you deal with your own situation. And then move forward, step by step, moment by moment.
As far as the kids go, what they will come to understand is their father is sick. Physically, mentally and spiritually sick. And the fact that he's not in their lives has nothing to do with them and everything to do with him and his choices. Once the kids get there, my hope is they won't personalize what their father is doing. The kids didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. All they can do is come to terms with it, and that takes some work. Alateen can help with that.
Anyways, I hope this helps.
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Thanks that does help a lot.
I guess for us it was the most different because everyone seemed to pretty much know their "qualifier" was an addict and have a chance to work on themselves while still being with the addict. We didn't know until after he had already gone, after he had already left us. I mean there were signs but we were all to naive and blind to realize that's what the things he was doing and the way he was acting meant...we didn't realize that was the problem until he had already gone. So we never really got a chance to see if we could dettach and still live together or show him love in a different way. Not that it would have made much of a difference since our actions or change in our behavior would not have made him quit... but it may have helped the situation some...or maybe not?... I guess we'll never know. We're having a hard time trying not to live in the "what if's"...not a good thing I know...but we're struggling with it nonetheless. I'm just praying we can get past this and our hearts can start to mend. I know we still have a long road ahead of us
I guess for us it was the most different because everyone seemed to pretty much know their "qualifier" was an addict and have a chance to work on themselves while still being with the addict. We didn't know until after he had already gone, after he had already left us. I mean there were signs but we were all to naive and blind to realize that's what the things he was doing and the way he was acting meant...we didn't realize that was the problem until he had already gone. So we never really got a chance to see if we could dettach and still live together or show him love in a different way. Not that it would have made much of a difference since our actions or change in our behavior would not have made him quit... but it may have helped the situation some...or maybe not?... I guess we'll never know. We're having a hard time trying not to live in the "what if's"...not a good thing I know...but we're struggling with it nonetheless. I'm just praying we can get past this and our hearts can start to mend. I know we still have a long road ahead of us
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BH, Zoso said it perfectly. Everyday in my life I use something that I have learned in Alanon. You can try and find different meetings to go to. In my area I could find a meeting every night and some meetings during the day. So keep looking, you will find one that you feel comfortable in. I have been going on and off for a very long time and I rarely see 40 people in a meeting. I think its great as there has to be other meetings out there. As they say, try 6 meetings if after that you don't like it, keep coming to SR.
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So we never really got a chance to see if we could detach and still live together or show him love in a different way. Not that it would have made much of a difference since our actions or change in our behavior would not have made him quit...
You will struggle with the "what ifs" for a while. That's part of the process. All I can tell you is don't ruminate on those what ifs for too long, because it won't do or the kids any good.
What helped me, when I found myself going into the rabbit hole of "why did she do this?", was answering that question with simply, "Because she's an addict (and a Borderline), and this is what addicts (and Borderines) do. The reason it worked was twofold; it has the benefit of being correct, and it took me out of the equation.
Your husbands actions have nothing to do with you or the kids and everything to do with him. That is the cold, hard truth. And that's something you can reinforce on a day-by-day basis.
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Originally Posted by maia1234 
BH, Zoso said it perfectly. Everyday in my life I use something that I have learned in Alanon. You can try and find different meetings to go to. In my area I could find a meeting every night and some meetings during the day. So keep looking, you will find one that you feel comfortable in. I have been going on and off for a very long time and I rarely see 40 people in a meeting. I think its great as there has to be other meetings out there. As they say, try 6 meetings if after that you don't like it, keep coming to SR.
I will try that. There are only 2 Alateen meetings in our area so I went to one of the meetings that was during that same time so that they could go to. We will check out the other one.
They did say they dont' normally have that many people and that it is probably because of being just after the holidays.
I will definitely keep coming to SR either way. You all have helped me in more ways that I can say. THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by zoso77
I highlighted this part because you hit the nail on the head. He was going to do whatever he was going to do.
You will struggle with the "what ifs" for a while. That's part of the process. All I can tell you is don't ruminate on those what ifs for too long, because it won't do or the kids any good.
What helped me, when I found myself going into the rabbit hole of "why did she do this?", was answering that question with simply, "Because she's an addict (and a Borderline), and this is what addicts (and Borderines) do. The reason it worked was twofold; it has the benefit of being correct, and it took me out of the equation.
Your husbands actions have nothing to do with you or the kids and everything to do with him. That is the cold, hard truth. And that's something you can reinforce on a day-by-day basis.
You will struggle with the "what ifs" for a while. That's part of the process. All I can tell you is don't ruminate on those what ifs for too long, because it won't do or the kids any good.
What helped me, when I found myself going into the rabbit hole of "why did she do this?", was answering that question with simply, "Because she's an addict (and a Borderline), and this is what addicts (and Borderines) do. The reason it worked was twofold; it has the benefit of being correct, and it took me out of the equation.
Your husbands actions have nothing to do with you or the kids and everything to do with him. That is the cold, hard truth. And that's something you can reinforce on a day-by-day basis.
I know we need to stop with those "what ifs" cause they're definitely mind controlling and make it harder to move past the hurt.
I try to "Change the channel" on my thoughts when they start taking over. Some days i'm successful other days not so much. But they are starting to become less frequent so that's a good thing I hope
It's hard not to take blame for the way things are turning out or for being blind and subjecting my kids to such hurt but I'm slowly learning to get out of that mindframe. It'll take some time but hopefully each day will get easier and those thoughts and feelings will become less and less.
Thank you for your help and support, I appreciate it more than you know and I am praying for you and your family
*HUGS*
BH
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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One more thing, BH...
You and kids are going to feel whatever it is your feel. And that will range from rage to profound sadness. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but you're going to have to sit with all of that stuff, and it's going to suck. There is no avoiding it.
The good news is, believe it or not, is that intensity will not last forever. You will always have some sort of wound from this experience, but what time will do is allow it to scab over so it doesn't hurt as much.
So don't fight what you're feeling. It's natural, and it's normal. Just keep on keeping on and do things that nurture your soul.
You and kids are going to feel whatever it is your feel. And that will range from rage to profound sadness. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but you're going to have to sit with all of that stuff, and it's going to suck. There is no avoiding it.
The good news is, believe it or not, is that intensity will not last forever. You will always have some sort of wound from this experience, but what time will do is allow it to scab over so it doesn't hurt as much.
So don't fight what you're feeling. It's natural, and it's normal. Just keep on keeping on and do things that nurture your soul.
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One thing I have learned through support groups I've been involved with is that it's useful to try to focus on what I have in common with the people in the group instead of how my situation is different. Going to a group can be scary at first, and sometimes comparing yourself to the group and feeling different can be kind of a defense mechanism, like "Oh, I don't actually have that much in common with these people, maybe I don't need to come back." But I think you will find you have a lot in common even with people who are still dealing with their qualifier on a day to day basis, just in that you have all lived through the chaos of addiction. And there's a good chance that eventually your AH will show his face again, and if he does then it will be very useful to have that support. Good luck!
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Originally Posted by jjj111
One thing I have learned through support groups I've been involved with is that it's useful to try to focus on what I have in common with the people in the group instead of how my situation is different. Going to a group can be scary at first, and sometimes comparing yourself to the group and feeling different can be kind of a defense mechanism, like "Oh, I don't actually have that much in common with these people, maybe I don't need to come back." But I think you will find you have a lot in common even with people who are still dealing with their qualifier on a day to day basis, just in that you have all lived through the chaos of addiction. And there's a good chance that eventually your AH will show his face again, and if he does then it will be very useful to have that support. Good luck!
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Originally Posted by zoso77
One more thing, BH...
You and kids are going to feel whatever it is your feel. And that will range from rage to profound sadness. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but you're going to have to sit with all of that stuff, and it's going to suck. There is no avoiding it.
The good news is, believe it or not, is that intensity will not last forever. You will always have some sort of wound from this experience, but what time will do is allow it to scab over so it doesn't hurt as much.
So don't fight what you're feeling. It's natural, and it's normal. Just keep on keeping on and do things that nurture your soul.
You and kids are going to feel whatever it is your feel. And that will range from rage to profound sadness. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but you're going to have to sit with all of that stuff, and it's going to suck. There is no avoiding it.
The good news is, believe it or not, is that intensity will not last forever. You will always have some sort of wound from this experience, but what time will do is allow it to scab over so it doesn't hurt as much.
So don't fight what you're feeling. It's natural, and it's normal. Just keep on keeping on and do things that nurture your soul.
Thanks for that!! I think it makes it harder when my family just tells me to get over it or move on like it's that easy.
I'm so grateful for SR and having people that have been there and understand that it's not as easy said as done but that it CAN be done
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Don't give up just yet, keep going and remember that these meetings are for and about "you" and how you can heal your wounds and learn to live in a healthy, happy way.
My son has been gone for more than a decade, and I still work my steps and practice my recovery in all facets of my life. My program has helped me at work, and with family issues that have nothing to do with drugs or substance abuse, with my neighbours and on days when I find myself struggling with life in general...there is always something I can pull out of my recovery tools to help me find peace and get through the tough days.
It may help to try a few different meetings as well, you may find a different age group or people more in your own situation and relate better. At my home group (CoDA) that I went to for about 10 years (before we moved) there were many who had separated, divorced or distanced themselves from the addicted loved one in their life. And even so, it didn't really make any difference because the meetings and program was about us and how we are today.
Good luck to you and your children. I really do hope you find something that brings each of you inner peace.
Hugs
My son has been gone for more than a decade, and I still work my steps and practice my recovery in all facets of my life. My program has helped me at work, and with family issues that have nothing to do with drugs or substance abuse, with my neighbours and on days when I find myself struggling with life in general...there is always something I can pull out of my recovery tools to help me find peace and get through the tough days.
It may help to try a few different meetings as well, you may find a different age group or people more in your own situation and relate better. At my home group (CoDA) that I went to for about 10 years (before we moved) there were many who had separated, divorced or distanced themselves from the addicted loved one in their life. And even so, it didn't really make any difference because the meetings and program was about us and how we are today.
Good luck to you and your children. I really do hope you find something that brings each of you inner peace.
Hugs
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Thanks Ann
I appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement. We will continue going and pray for help and guidance through this rough time. There aren't too many meetings in my area in the evenings when I can attend but I will check out another as well as go back to the first to see. I also will be trying going to my first meeting at Celebrate Recovery tonight. We'll see if that is any different. Only they don't have any programs for my children just for myself so that's hard. I did have my kids check out a church youth group at a local church close by our house last night and they seemed to enjoy that. They are excited that the group will be doing fundraisers to help feel and give clothing to homeless. It made my heart glow to see them so excited to be able to help others. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I love my babies so much, they are such good loving kids. It saddens me that they have to deal with such pain in their lives... but still they are excited and willing to help others I'm so grateful for that.
Thank you for your kindness and responding. I very much appreciate your input!!!
*HUGS*
BH
I appreciate your words of wisdom and encouragement. We will continue going and pray for help and guidance through this rough time. There aren't too many meetings in my area in the evenings when I can attend but I will check out another as well as go back to the first to see. I also will be trying going to my first meeting at Celebrate Recovery tonight. We'll see if that is any different. Only they don't have any programs for my children just for myself so that's hard. I did have my kids check out a church youth group at a local church close by our house last night and they seemed to enjoy that. They are excited that the group will be doing fundraisers to help feel and give clothing to homeless. It made my heart glow to see them so excited to be able to help others. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I love my babies so much, they are such good loving kids. It saddens me that they have to deal with such pain in their lives... but still they are excited and willing to help others
I'm so grateful for that. Thank you for your kindness and responding. I very much appreciate your input!!!
*HUGS*
BH
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
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Celebrate Recovery has helped several members here as well and I think it's good to try different meetings and find one that "fits" you just right.
Your kids sound pretty healthy too and working with other youth doing good things is a wonderful way to find peace in their hearts too.
No one program is perfect for everyone, each one offers something good and finding the one that works best for you will help you so much in days ahead.
Good luck and God bless.
Hugs
Your kids sound pretty healthy too and working with other youth doing good things is a wonderful way to find peace in their hearts too.
No one program is perfect for everyone, each one offers something good and finding the one that works best for you will help you so much in days ahead.
Good luck and God bless.
Hugs
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