dearme

I need advice. I would like to know from you if it is OK to get some counselling or if I should go for something more specific. I m a big codependent of my ex bf. I m in the verge of throwing my self out the window after seeing how much he loves his new gf. See she has had a positive impact on him. He is much much better now. He used to be a cocaine addict but that girl is changing him. I wish I was her for her huge strength. She won't give up but she is not like anothet codependant. They look wonderful together and I am happy for them. But Istill love him. I got a big pproblem. I m more problematic than him I think since he could get on with life and feel better , be a better man. I can't I m stuck. Please what should I do. Please help me please.

zoso77

DearMe...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time regarding your AXBF, but I'm happy that you've come to us. Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got some feedback for you as well.

I find this hard to believe. And the reason is during the early stages of a new relationship, we tend to put on our best face. Even addicts are capable of doing this for a short period of time. But let's assume for the sake of argument that you're right, and she's "changing" him. There's a couple of different ways this can go for you. You can let go of him and begin the process of healing, or you can throw yourself out that window and not heal at all.

I empathize with where you're at. Within the past 5 years, someone crushed my heart badly, too. Bad enough for me to get involved with the girl who eventually led me to here (but that's another story). It's time that you start loving yourself, and although you probably won't believe this right now, it is probably for the best that someone other than you is now stuck with your AXBF. It's going to smart for some time. But you know what? It does get better. And while I believe that we carry everyone we've loved and lost, time lessens that weight.

If you believe that you'll benefit from counseling, I encourage you to do so. Sometimes it's good to have a neutral voice to help us pick apart what we're feeling, and to give us feedback on how to cope.

The great benefit about joining our little corner of SR is you will meet others who've been where you are and have come out the other side. Most of the time, they've come out stronger and wiser, and with a little bit of hard work, more honest about why they made the choices they did. So I encourage you to read and read and read. Soak up that wisdom, and give yourself an opportunity to make 2015 a year of growth.

Happy New Year, and again, Welcome to the Board.

dearme

Dear Zoso, the reason why I m saying that she is changing him is because they have been together 2 years now and even tho at the beginning they had a rough time now they look happier than ever. She is the girl he wanted cos when we were together he would tell me off for not being bubbly enough and for not having many friends , for not involving him into enthusiastic things! I was too plain and possibly he needed someone more lively. I certainly was other valuable things but these were not enough. He wanted those specific things she has. Like strength and self confidence. They are both working hard at the relationship.I see it. Another thing is that she perfectly can get along with his druggie friends! Although she does not use , she got accepted in that environment cos she knew how to handle them. From the outside i m just witnessing this miracle. I tried many ways to help him. The only one was to accept him and his friends a bit more. Maybe she is just accepting his habit but I believe that he is working hard for this telatoonship because otherwise she would not be so peaceful. I need to accept that he is no longer mine and that miracle can happen. He was very very different! Thanks for your time. I appreciate!

Anewyear

Hi Dear me,
From what you have written counseling is not a bad idea. It's always helpful to talk to someone about your feelings . It helps us to heal & figure things out.
Going through a tough divorce 12 years ago I found much help in therapy and still go back occasionally now for various things to talk about. You should focus on helping you right now which is most important. If a person tells you that you need to change to make them happy then they may not be for you or not at the time. You are a special person the way you are and you want someone that loves you for you. I recently remarried an amazing guy who balances and compliments me... We help each other. I hope counseling helps you get to that. You deserve it!!

zoso77

This is funny:

Outside looking in, one wonders why she would tolerate such "friends", especially if their influence is potentially toxic.

I believe it. And you're not alone in that regard. All of us here have tried to help someone that we cared about deal with their addictions. Most of the time, it doesn't go well. The only one that can change the addict is the addict. This is why I'm skeptical when you say the "new" girlfriend has "changed" him.

I totally understand your sense of loss, and by no means do I marginalize what you're feeling. But I suspect at some point you're going to recognize that him leaving is addition by subtraction. And that's because as time goes on and as your boundaries become firmer, you're not likely to tolerate the sort of drama an addict would bring into your life. You're going to want an accountable, mature romantic partner who not just takes, but gives, too.

I bet you will always have feelings for him, maybe even still love him in one year's time. And that's OK, I think. But I suspect, by sticking around here and doing some good work with a counselor, you'll be stronger before you know it...

dearme

Thanks Anywyear. Your words are very nice. I should have gone to get counselling right from the start. Do you think it is OK not to be talking to him anymore? I don't even say hello to him because he said very cruel things to me and behind my back. Did not deserve any of those just for having been so caring but hey nothing is fair in this world, nothing!! I have learned it now. I was too naive. Why do I adore him? It must to do with my problem. Like i lack self confidence. The other girl is full of self confidence, even after 2 years of living with an addict. I am sure he himself WANTS that change. He is highly functioning and gets promoted at work. Of course he can do it. He just needed to meet the right match.i know u think i should let go but he has been so, so important for me. He was mean but he was also nice. Did you feel that therewas something wrong with you after divorcing your husband?. 12 years is a long time.

dearme

Thanks Zoso, your words are immensely encouraging! I wish you good things.

JOIE12

dearme ... this journey is about YOU. An addict want it to be about THEM. Admitting my co-dependent behavior was a long time in coming but once I did, life changed. Even if I slip into my old ways, it is there to remind me. Take care of yourself and new doors will open for you.

It's difficult and painful to let someone go but you are here because someplace inside you believe that you are worth more than your sadness.

His life with anyone will matter to you less when you work on YOU.

I began by doing 1 thing each day that I had never done or was afraid to do. Most were small things, but each strengthened my inner self and helped me rebuild my life. Piece by piece. One step at a time.

I am praying for you. For peace and strength.

Please keep coming back and read the stickies at the top of the forum. We are here for you and you will never be alone.

chicory

Dearme, Welcome to SR. I am glad you reached out.

I remember a relationship where I was broken hearted, after the break up. I had a hard time letting go. He then found someone else, and I was sure that she was everything that I was not.. that she was perfect, and that he was just 'over the moon' happy. It hurt so much more seeing him with someone else.
I felt rejected, and it was even harder to let go of the pain. But after a while, I realized that she wasn't perfect,,, heck, they did not even stay together- divorced after a few years.
I was only hurting myself more to think about them. I focused too much on him, instead of accepting that it was over. I wasted a lot of time, hurting myself, but finally I got tired of hurting.
I did get some counselling, and it helped me a lot. I realized that he wasn't my friend, so why would I want to still be with him? I deserved more.

This fellow may have wanted someone who would fit in with his druggie friends.. making it easier for him to live that lifestyle. I would question the 'recovery' of anyone who still hangs with his druggie friends. But, that does not matter, your happiness does matter, and hurting yourself with thoughts of not being good enough will only delay your healing.

You sound like a sensible person, who made a good choice not to try to fit in with in with drug users. You want better things in your life.. Perhaps its time to look forward, and not behind anymore. You deserve to find happiness. Might be time to put away the 'what if's, and find that person who will love you for you, and who you can be yourself with.

counselling is very helpful. maybe a few times, and you will see that you are just a bit stuck, and need a little help . so many of us have been there... we will be here, too, to cheer you on.
hugs,
chicory