please, please help me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
please, please help me
I am so full of anger and rage
I can feel it in my chest and if I begin to talk about it out loud I will begin to sob and scream
I have no idea where this is coming from, because my addict/alcoholic ex boyfriend and baby's father has been gone at this rehab for quite some time.
I haven't felt this anger and rage until yesterday and today and I am hoping there is something I can do to help it. I am so resentful that whenever I speak to him he is out playing pool, giving people rides to see THEIR children when he has come to seen ours once. Spending money on cigarettes and foolish things (denies it) when he hasn't given us a PENNY!! I know he is in rehab and I should be happy. This is really coming out of nowhere and I don't know why. I am barely able to get up and get out of bed I am so sad and mad. How is it possible that he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life while the person who tried to help him for years and takes care of his child all day is home struggling to get by?! How can he sleep at night? Do these programs tell him it is okay to forget about the people who did everything they could to get you well?
I need advice, anything, to get me back to my old state of mind. I am begging all of you. I am so hurt, infuriated, and full of resentment that it is physically hurting me. I verbally attacked him yesterday, which is not like me, expecting for it to help me but he just didn't care one bit. He continued having a fun new years eve with his sober friends while I was here alone with our child taking care of her and loving her like he is supposed to be doing.
I can feel it in my chest and if I begin to talk about it out loud I will begin to sob and scream
I have no idea where this is coming from, because my addict/alcoholic ex boyfriend and baby's father has been gone at this rehab for quite some time.
I haven't felt this anger and rage until yesterday and today and I am hoping there is something I can do to help it. I am so resentful that whenever I speak to him he is out playing pool, giving people rides to see THEIR children when he has come to seen ours once. Spending money on cigarettes and foolish things (denies it) when he hasn't given us a PENNY!! I know he is in rehab and I should be happy. This is really coming out of nowhere and I don't know why. I am barely able to get up and get out of bed I am so sad and mad. How is it possible that he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life while the person who tried to help him for years and takes care of his child all day is home struggling to get by?! How can he sleep at night? Do these programs tell him it is okay to forget about the people who did everything they could to get you well?
I need advice, anything, to get me back to my old state of mind. I am begging all of you. I am so hurt, infuriated, and full of resentment that it is physically hurting me. I verbally attacked him yesterday, which is not like me, expecting for it to help me but he just didn't care one bit. He continued having a fun new years eve with his sober friends while I was here alone with our child taking care of her and loving her like he is supposed to be doing.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: London
Posts: 35
Hi really sorry your struggling right now im going through something similar so understand the pain your in... my partner was in detox a few month ago and I too couldnt understand why id wanted him to go in for months yet when he did I found it hard when he called me laughing and joking on the phone and spending most of the call telling me stories about other service users who were in there with him.. I too couldnt help getting sngry and upset when he rang me.. i think we just have to accept they dont think like us, they don't understand how to deal with their own emotions let alone anyone elses
Ive just come to the conclusion my partner is never going to be the man I want him to... I have to accept that and now move on
Dont be too hard on yourself .. after putting up with so much BS you have a right to be angry but ive learnt anger doesnt do me any good, it certainkyndoesnt solve anything.. Im trying so hard to leave him to his own recovery while I get on with mine
Big hugs x
Ive just come to the conclusion my partner is never going to be the man I want him to... I have to accept that and now move on
Dont be too hard on yourself .. after putting up with so much BS you have a right to be angry but ive learnt anger doesnt do me any good, it certainkyndoesnt solve anything.. Im trying so hard to leave him to his own recovery while I get on with mine
Big hugs x
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
WW...
I see you've joined us recently, so allow me to welcome you to our little corner of SR.
No, it's coming from somewhere. Most likely, it's pent up anger and frustration that you've kept at bay until you couldn't anymore.
Allow me to tackle the last part of this first.
I believe the core of programs like AA and NA is the acceptance of personal responsibility and accountability. If you think about it, active addiction is really a life without responsibility. It's all about tickling the pleasure center of the brain by any means possible.
When you get a bunch of addicts/alcoholics together in a rehab or post-rehab setting, they bond quickly over shared experiences. But those relationships don't have deep roots. And that, frankly, suits them fine because they don't have a lot to give anyone.
What you've done -- support him through thick and thin -- hasn't been absorbed by him. That's because emotionally and spiritually, he's got a big hole in him. Pour love and support in, it comes right back out.
So, how to deal with what you're feeling?
I would simply tell yourself that this is what you're feeling at this moment. And that it sucks, it's uncomfortable, and it hurts. And then I would work really, really hard at detaching from him. Do not have expectations of him. Do not expect him to behave like a responsible adult. Do not expect him to be a responsible parent. At this moment in time, he's simply not capable of it. Your job, as I see it, is to protect yourself and your child.
Do not fall for any BS he may say. Only his actions matter.
Anyways, this is probably a lot for you to absorb. I'm sorry you're going through this. But in terms of your relationship with him and the relationship he has with your child, you're in the drivers seat. Make the best decisions for you and your child.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
I see you've joined us recently, so allow me to welcome you to our little corner of SR.
This is really coming out of nowhere and I don't know why.
How is it possible that he is out having fun bonding with these "friends" (who laugh at me) and happy with his life while the person who tried to help him for years and takes care of his child all day is home struggling to get by?! How can he sleep at night? Do these programs tell him it is okay to forget about the people who did everything they could to get you well?
I believe the core of programs like AA and NA is the acceptance of personal responsibility and accountability. If you think about it, active addiction is really a life without responsibility. It's all about tickling the pleasure center of the brain by any means possible.
When you get a bunch of addicts/alcoholics together in a rehab or post-rehab setting, they bond quickly over shared experiences. But those relationships don't have deep roots. And that, frankly, suits them fine because they don't have a lot to give anyone.
What you've done -- support him through thick and thin -- hasn't been absorbed by him. That's because emotionally and spiritually, he's got a big hole in him. Pour love and support in, it comes right back out.
So, how to deal with what you're feeling?
I would simply tell yourself that this is what you're feeling at this moment. And that it sucks, it's uncomfortable, and it hurts. And then I would work really, really hard at detaching from him. Do not have expectations of him. Do not expect him to behave like a responsible adult. Do not expect him to be a responsible parent. At this moment in time, he's simply not capable of it. Your job, as I see it, is to protect yourself and your child.
Do not fall for any BS he may say. Only his actions matter.
Anyways, this is probably a lot for you to absorb. I'm sorry you're going through this. But in terms of your relationship with him and the relationship he has with your child, you're in the drivers seat. Make the best decisions for you and your child.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
i read some where that you can find an alcoholic home by the looking at the crazy sober wife, or something like that. We are the crazy one and they are fine.
You need to learn to detach. He has so much work to do to get sober and stay sober. Its not all cake and candy there. While you are alone, work some programs. Do some reading and help yourself detach from his stuff. Once you do that your life will get calmer and you won't have so much rage. It does you no good to have such anger towards him.
I'm sorry I dont have anything better to say. Take care of yourself
You need to learn to detach. He has so much work to do to get sober and stay sober. Its not all cake and candy there. While you are alone, work some programs. Do some reading and help yourself detach from his stuff. Once you do that your life will get calmer and you won't have so much rage. It does you no good to have such anger towards him.
I'm sorry I dont have anything better to say. Take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by wiltwillow 
I haven't felt this anger and rage until yesterday and today and I am hoping there is something I can do to help it.
Grab a pillow and go to a quiet room or a noisy one, your choice, as long as you are alone. Lock the door and spend the next few minutes saying out loud everything you've been holding in. Express every bit of nastiness, resentment, bitterness and gut wrenching pain. Grab the pillow if you feel like screaming and or wailing and don't want to be heard. Cry if you feel like it! It releases feel good hormones.
It's really important to get out all the stuff we suppress. It literally turns to poison inside us, and it causes chemical changes in our brains. Eventually it deprives us of experiencing pure unadulterated joy.
Let it go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
Cynical One,
That seems to be the pattern, which shows an obvious solution. However it is really hard because he is the father of my almost 2 year old. People tell me keeping her from him makes me look like just as bad a parent of him. I don't get how they can think that. I know that he is in recovery, but his disrespect toward me makes me want her to have nothing to do with him. I don't want someone like that in her life. I was allowing her to see him whenever he wanted, but after the past couple of days I really want to make it so he can't see her. Im so lost.
That seems to be the pattern, which shows an obvious solution. However it is really hard because he is the father of my almost 2 year old. People tell me keeping her from him makes me look like just as bad a parent of him. I don't get how they can think that. I know that he is in recovery, but his disrespect toward me makes me want her to have nothing to do with him. I don't want someone like that in her life. I was allowing her to see him whenever he wanted, but after the past couple of days I really want to make it so he can't see her. Im so lost.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Because they get clean doesn't mean all the personality defects disappear overnight, or even ever sometimes. He didn't take responsibility for his family when he was using, and now that he is clean and sober it seems he still has no interest or appreciation for all you have done for him over time.
It may get better with time, only time will tell.
You are wise to take care of you and your child. Sadly, the "...he went to rehab and we all lived happily ever after" doesn't always apply.
Hugs out to you, you sound like you could use them.
It may get better with time, only time will tell.
You are wise to take care of you and your child. Sadly, the "...he went to rehab and we all lived happily ever after" doesn't always apply.
Hugs out to you, you sound like you could use them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by wiltwillow
Cynical One,
That seems to be the pattern, which shows an obvious solution. However it is really hard because he is the father of my almost 2 year old. People tell me keeping her from him makes me look like just as bad a parent of him. I don't get how they can think that. I know that he is in recovery, but his disrespect toward me makes me want her to have nothing to do with him. I don't want someone like that in her life. I was allowing her to see him whenever he wanted, but after the past couple of days I really want to make it so he can't see her. Im so lost.
That seems to be the pattern, which shows an obvious solution. However it is really hard because he is the father of my almost 2 year old. People tell me keeping her from him makes me look like just as bad a parent of him. I don't get how they can think that. I know that he is in recovery, but his disrespect toward me makes me want her to have nothing to do with him. I don't want someone like that in her life. I was allowing her to see him whenever he wanted, but after the past couple of days I really want to make it so he can't see her. Im so lost.
Or you could take him to court to set a visitation schedule and go after child support. That would help to minimize the amount of contact you have with him and also your resentments about money.
I only talk to my ex about our kid, and if he seems drunk or starts up about anything unrelated to our son I immediately end the conversation. It took me some practice not to keep getting sucked in, but I did learn eventually. Not that I never slip up, but having a boundary in place helps a lot. It also keeps the focus on our son and prevents him from being used as a bargaining chip or getting caught in the middle of pointless relationship drama.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If he would be willing to sign away rights, DO IT!
I learned that my X, drinking or not, is an a$$. There it is. He cares about one person, himself.
That being said, my children (who are 9 and 15) are now of the age that they see this. They see who he is and that no matter if he is sober or drunk, they are not going to like who he is. They are forced to spend time w/him. It's not all horrible, but it's not good. I have no question when they are old enough to choose, they will cut him out of their lives.
I am of the belief that almost all of the time, once an jerk, always a jerk. You don't see them change much. Once in a while, but not often.
Do what is right for you and your child. Keep that sweet baby #1 on your list of priorities.
Tight Hugs, I am sorry.
I learned that my X, drinking or not, is an a$$. There it is. He cares about one person, himself.
That being said, my children (who are 9 and 15) are now of the age that they see this. They see who he is and that no matter if he is sober or drunk, they are not going to like who he is. They are forced to spend time w/him. It's not all horrible, but it's not good. I have no question when they are old enough to choose, they will cut him out of their lives.
I am of the belief that almost all of the time, once an jerk, always a jerk. You don't see them change much. Once in a while, but not often.
Do what is right for you and your child. Keep that sweet baby #1 on your list of priorities.
Tight Hugs, I am sorry.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
